AFU Mirror Site Two-Fifty Seven
Man of the Year for 1998: Rick Depew
For one reason or another, AFU awards a prestigious MOTY, or Man (well, really being) of the Year prize every May or so it seems. The MOTY for 1997 was Bo Bradham, who handed over the reins to Ray Depew this year. Let's have a look at some of the stuff that went on, shall we?
Subject: AFU's Man of the Year From: email@example.com (Bo Bradham) Date: 27 May 1998 15:26:44 -0400 I suppose you're wondering why I have gathered you all here. It was only a year ago that AFU's resident Man of Science, Dr. I Any Ork, conferred upon me the awesome responsibility of AFU Man of the Year. As my year draws to a close I have a few remarks. First, in keeping with an old afu tradition, I present the predictions I made at the beginning of my year as MotY. Ok, it's not that old, but by gum if the MotY can't start a tradition around here... uh, sorry. Almost went on a rant. For the last year they have been sealed in an envelope taped underneath the sink in the 13th floor men's room of AFU towers. I present them without comment. I think they speak for themselves, and that the events of the past year will offer a testament to their accuracy. - The governments of many states will file enormous multi-billion dollar lawsuits against Tobago, seeking compensation for medical expenses. I didn't know the tiny island nation had done anything lawsuit-worthy and I doubt it has that kind of loot, but there it is. - The President of the United States will become embroiled in controversy when someone alleges that an inept former White House employee performed a "slow job" for the President in his office. Why this is newsworthy is beyond me, I'd have thought a "slow job" was business as usual in the federal bureaucracy. - The US Women's Hickey Team will defeat archrival Canada to win an Olympic gold medal. I never knew that was considered a team sport for women, to tell you the truth. Well, maybe in the movies it is. Or so I've heard. Most of all I'd like to point out that during my tenure as MotY, not one single nation fell to Communism. But enough about me, it's time to get to the real matter at hand, the introduction of the new AFU Man of the Year. It is my obligation as Man of the Year to name my successor. I've gotten about all the free drinks I'm gonna get out of this deal so I guess it's time. There was no shortage of worthy candidates, I can assure you. It was only after the seventieth ballot, when the delegation from the Great State of Missouri changed its vote (Show me! they kept saying. I showed 'em, all right.) that a decisive margin was amassed. Oh wait, that was no delegation from Missouri, that was my research assistant. Your new AFU Man of the Year is Ray Depew. He's a fellow you can learn something from, and he doesn't mind learning something from you. He'll plonk you into his killfile if you don't watch out, and he'll hoist you right back out as soon as you prove your worth (how he knows is still one of the great mysteries of our time). He speaks when he knows what he's talking about, and he doesn't when he doesn't. And he looks good in black spandex. Ray was one of the first people I got to know when I staggered into AFU these many years ago. His conviviality, wit, and keen undersanding of Bugs Bunny references were readily apparent and endearing. I immediately knew that Ray is a guy you can hang out with. But who is this man we must now look to for guidance in the antepenultimate year of the twentieth century? I thought you'd never ask. Ray "Axeman Emeritus" Depew was born at a very early age. Abandonded by his family in the woods of Quebec, he was soon befriended by lumberjacks. His fondness for all things sharp endeared him to the woodsmen, who took him under their wings and made him a mascot of sorts. Young Ray's prodigious talents with the blade gave rise to a peculiar sort of wanderlust, a perennial need to find things in need of a good chopping. Having stripped the Canadian countryside bare in a matter of weeks, he fled the lumberjacks' camp under cover of darkness packing only his trusty axe, a box of Oreos, and a tin of Band-Aids (tm). He eventually wound up in the Sahara Forest (as it was known in those days) where he perfected the axe-slinging techniques that would make him world famous. Chased out of the Sahara by sunburnt Berbers angered over the loss of their shade, he hopped aboard a boat bound for America where he'd heard there were unlimited opportunities for a skilled bladesman. After all, hadn't the President implored Americans to axe what they could do for their country? As fate would have it, he was met at the docks by the AFU Welcome Committee of Letz, Rookum and Howe. Always on the lookout for new recruits, the trio saw in Depew an appealing combination of ruthless savagery and gullible naivete. Here was a guy who could make mincemeat out of anything and would, if you asked him nicely! Thus began the Golden Age of Dismemberment at AFU. They say that sometimes you couldn't walk the halls of AFU Towers without tripping over a head here, an arm there. Those were the days all right. Everywhere you looked, body parts. Headless chickens running around like ... Excuse me, I get nostalgic. Anyway the rise to power of the "nicey-nicey" faction rendered the Axeman obsolete, and the Axeman Institute is now little more than a janitor's closet. But those of us who witnessed the carnage will always remember... Oh, there I go again. Sometimes late at night, as I wander the halls of AFU Towers I think can still hear the whirring of a grindstone against cold steel, but it usually turns out to be that creaky old refigerator in the coffee break room. This anonymous poem was found on the person, I guess "torso" would be the more accurate term, of one of the Axeman's admirers: The Axeman Cometh The axeman cometh, to kill you dead. He'll whip out his blade, and lop off your head. His backswing is awesome, his technique to die for. When he's at it folks celebrate like July 4. Best close your eyes, and try not to worry, because <thunk> I am not sure I can add anything to that, except to welcome Ray to the ranks of AFU Men of the Year (And I think rank is the precise word I'm looking for) and to ask you to join me in congratulating him. Ray's name will be added to the more-or-less hallowed roster which includes: AFU MAN OF THE YEAR - B1FF (1990) - STella (1991) - Trelford Pinkerton (1992) - Phil Gustafson (1993) - Terry Chan (1994) - Lee Rudolph (1994) - Kim Scheinberg (1994) - Harry Tepper and Michele Teasley (1996 A.L.) - snopes (1996) - Ian York (1996) - Bo Bradham (1997) Bo Bradham, has-been -- "You mean you don't use machine guns in _your_ pictures?" -- Charles Bronson to Ingmar Bergman
Of course there is also Ray's acceptance speech:
Subject: Re: AFU's Man of the Year From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Ray Depew) Date: 28 May 1998 18:51:15 GMT Bo Bradham (email@example.com) wrote: : Your new AFU Man of the Year is [a skunk.] Well, I'm speechless. (Hah -- you wish.) Thanks to Bo for the hono(u)r. Actually, I have to thank Kim, my very, very good friend (blush), for the nod also. She wanted to nominate me a few years ago but I wasn't in a position to accept at the time. This year, Bo did an end run around me and tagged me before I had a chance to say "no". Nice move, Francis. The bio was a nice touch. I'm gonna have to speak to Ma about answering email from strangers, though. I just hope Bo can keep my credit card numbers and my underwear size to himself. I got the robe, orb and scepter via parcel post this morning. I'm gonna have to send the robe out for cleaning, though: it has dried peanut butter or something in funny places on the inside. Looks like a dog tried to lick it off. The instruction booklet was in pretty poor shape, too. Looked like the dogs in the Bradham household had been playing tug-of-war with it. All I could read from the Title Page was alt.fol......ban MAN OF ......EAR Contractu.....nt and Instr......uide ISO 9000 .............. .....250.... in U.S.A. The introductory letter was completely torn out, except for the top left corner: Congratulations! You have been chosen as alt.fo Of The Year. This position car including cash, and aw select group of Intern crazier than you, and all or for ill, to the world. This ter if you are a man or a woman, tensive travel, paid by AF subject to certain res Zealand or Ital quent flier The rest of the booklet was completely illegible, except for the colophon, which mentioned something about a herd of monkeys and a roomful of IBM Selectrics. Obviously, I'll need to get a new copy of the booklet, so I know what the AFU MOTY is supposed to do. Thanks again. I'm truly hono(u)red. This isn't something you go aspiring after; it just happens to fall upon you. Like a barrel of bricks. Regards | "It does not do to Ray Depew firstname.lastname@example.org | leave a live dragon out of Integrated Circuits Business Division | your calculations." Hewlett Packard Co, Fort Collins, CO | -- Tolkien p.s. Can a dad brag a little bit? My eldest son won the triple crown this year. Eagle Scout, private pilot's license, and an appointment to the U S Air Force Academy. Now he wants me to buy him an airplane. So I got him a 1:72 scale model of a YF-22A.
Two-fifty: Reference to the Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe.
This page by: Duncan Richer,email@example.com
Last updated: Wednesday, June 03, 1998