Alt.Folklore.Urban

AFU Mirror Site 257

AFU Urban Legendware Installation Licence
A classic piece of parody which shows that there is intelligent life out there on the Internet.
Subject: AFU INC LEGENDWARE LICENSE AGREEMENT
From: splinter@panix.com (Tom Cikoski)
Date: 2 Jun 1998 16:46:14 -0400

AFU INC LEGENDWARE LICENSE AGREEMENT
------------------------------------

This AFU Inc. Cover-Our-Ass License Agreement ("COALA") is a legal
agreement between you and AFU Inc. for the legendware product herein,
which includes legendware and may include associated maedia, printed
materials, and electromagnetic documentation ("LEGENDWARE PRODUCT"),
as well as ideas, concepts, moods, vituperation, perfidity, cupidity,
sophistry, sheer ignorance and bits of spoiled potato salad.

If you do not agree to the terms of this COALA, do not install
or use the LEGENDWARE PRODUCT! You may, however, return it to your
place of purchase for a full refund, less any shipping, handling,
restocking, inventory replenishment, shelf rearrangment or rebilling
charges plus $2.50. Unless, of course, you stole it in the first place.

1. 	GRANT OF LICENSE.  AFU Inc. grants to you and yours the 
right to use and to reproduce and distribute all or a 
portion of the aforementioned legendware provided that
(i) said legendware is not distributed for profit or with evil
intent or still damp; (ii) said legendware is used only in conjunction
with licensed copies of  AFU Inc. Jalousie 3.xx products, including
"Jalousie for Jerkoffs" (tm) or Jalousie "Nine-to-Five" products
or Jalousie "EmmTee" products; (iii) said legendware may not
be modified or abused or tested or depended on; (iv) all copyright 
notices are maintained on the said legendware; and (v) the 
licensee/bitter end user agrees to be bound and gagged by the terms 
of this Agreement as well as by uncured steerhide thongs and
salted razor wire.

2.	COPYRIGHT.  The legendware is owned by AFU Inc.
or its suppliers and is protected by United States and Albanian
copyright laws and some obscure international treaty provisions
as well as legal precedent and two large Italian guys from
Howard Beach.

You may not remove the copyright notice from any copy 
of the legendware or any copy of the written materials, 
if any, accompanying the legendware, nor may you write on these
materials with a green magic marker or put them away in a
drawer. Especially next to panties.

The terms "AFU Inc.", "legendware", "Jalousie", and "panties"
are all trademarks of AFU Inc. and may not be used without
permission unless you regularly pay us a hefty fee.

3.	OTHER RESTRICTIONS.  This AFU Inc. License 
Agreement is your proof of license to exercise the 
rights granted herein and must be retained by you at all times,
even while asleep or having sex or both, except that in order
to exercise you need a permission slip from your doctor.
  
You may not rent or lease the legendware.  You may not twiddle, 
reverse engineer, decompile or disassemble or investigate the 
legendware or read the directions. You may not say bad
things about AFU Inc. or disparage the extravagant life
style of its ruling cabal. You may not eat yellow show.
You may not permit your kidneys to be stolen. You may
not eat Douglas Adams' cookies. In fact you will probably
violate this agreement somehow unless you just shut up and go
away.

4.     NO WARRANTY! ANY USE BY YOU OF THE LEGENDWARE IS 
AT YOUR OWN RISK.  THE LEGENDWARE IS PROVIDED FOR USE 
ONLY WITH AFU INC JALOUSIE 3.XX PRODUCTS OR JALOUSIE Nine-to-Five
PRODUCTS OR JALOUSIE EmmTee PRODUCTS AND RELATED 
APPLICATION LEGENDWARE.  THE LEGENDWARE IS PROVIDED FOR 
USE "AS IS" WITHOUT ANY WARRANTY OF ANY KIND.  TO THE 
SUPREMO MAXIMUM EXTENT PERMITTED BY LAW, AFU INC AND ITS 
SUPPLIERS LOUDLY DISCLAIM ALL WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EITHER 
EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING, WITHOUT LIMITATION, 
IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR 
A PARTICULAR PURPOSE. AFTER ALL, WHAT THE HELL
DOES AFU INC KNOW ABOUT YOU? HUH? EXCEPT MAYBE THAT
YOU'RE A CHEAP DIPSHIT TECHIE LOSER WHO'S READING USENET
INSTEAD OF MAKING MILLIONS LIKE WE DID ON MISLEADING
PROMISES AND PREDATORY BUSINESS PRACTICES. SO WHY SHOULD
WE MAKE ANY COMMITMENTS AT ALL, EH? OR EVEN BE NICE?

	NO LIABILITY FOR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES.  In no 
event shall AFU Inc. or its buddies and pals be liable for 
any damages whatsoever (including, without limitation, 
incidental, direct, indirect, meaningful, appropriate,
valid, substantial, justified, awarded, special or consequential 
damages, or damages for loss of business profits, 
business interruption, loss of business information, money
or other pecuniary loss, or for loss of affection, erection,
protection, injection, or complexion) arising out of the use or 
inability to use this AFU Inc. product, even if 
AFU Inc. has been advised of the possibility of such 
damages and even if we've made it so fucking hard to use
and it crashes all the time and its file formats don't match
anything else or anything.  Because some states/countries do not
allow  the exclusion or limitation of liability for 
consequential or incidental damages, the above 
limitation may not apply to you, but if you're stupid
enought to think that we'll knuckle under to some
chickenshit state legislature full of low life drunks and
religious wackos then you've got another mighty big
think coming, Chester. So look in the accompanying package
of related materials, find the big barbed plastic dick and
SIT ON IT.

	INDEMNIFICATION BY YOU.  If you distribute the 
legendware in violation of this Agreement, you agree to 
indemnify, comfort, hold harmless and defend AFU Inc. and its 
pitiful band of regulars from and against any claims or suits, 
including attorney's fees and judge's bribes that arise or
result from the use or distribution of the legendware
in violation of this Agreement, and to buy us all a first
class trip to the Big Island and to send our kids to some
mighty fine colleges and universities, including books and laundry.

U.S. GOVERNMENT RESTRICTED RIGHTS

The legendware and documentation are provided with 
RESTRICTED RIGHTS.  Use, duplication, or disclosure by 
the Government is subject to restrictions as set forth 
in subparagraph (c)(1)(ii) of The Rights in Technical 
Data and Computer legendware clause at DFARS 252.227-
7013 or subparagraphs (c)(1) and (2) of the Commercial 
Computer legendware - Restricted Rights at 48 CFR 
52.227-19, as applicable.  Manufacturer is AFU Inc. 
One AFU Plaza/New York, NY/10001-0000-0.

If you acquired this product in the United States (poor fool),
this Agreement is governed by the Laws of God as
interpreted solely by the Supreme AFU Pontif and Bishop
of The Cathedral of St. Terry the Recondite and is not
subject to discussion by mere temporal mortals unless
they're packin'.

Should you have any questions concerning this 
Agreement, or if you desire to contact AFU Inc. for 
any reason, please contact your local AFU Inc. 
subsidiary or write: AFU Inc./ PO Tub B-250 / The
Really Big Post Office/ New York, NY / 10001-0000-0.

( )_( )
 \. ./
 _=.=_
   "    -- ...and let not your torts be troubled.
This page by: Duncan Richer, dcr24@cam.ac.uk
Last updated: Wednesday, June 03, 1998