thinks %s should appear on Page Three
gives %s a token ring
immortalizes %s in song
+surveys %s
+builds a taller house in order to spy on %s sunbathing
+bites %s's neck
+wants to view photos of %s on a retina display
+trouts everything that isn't %s
+learns how to write "I love %s" in Chinese
+makes a mix-tape for %s
wonders what's taking %s and %s so long
buys %s and %s matching pyjamas for Christmas
gives %s the key to %s's chastity belt
+wonders if %s and %s are up for a threesome
+resolves to seat %s and %s together at its next dinner party
+chaperones %s and %s
+negotiates %s's virtue with %s
+checks its logs to see how often %s flirts with %s
finds %s even less amusing than "your mum" jokes
drags and drops %s
sets the vermicious knids on %s
+bashes %s
+bites %s's neck
+puts jam in %s's printer
+delivers seven thousand octopuses to %s
+removes all the buttons from %s's mouse
+moderates %s
+declares %s off-topic
+throws a custard pie at %s
+fills %s's bath with ducks
+parks across %s's driveway