accuses %s of violating the rule of tincture
places %s in its basket of deplorables
botsplains the topic to %s
+holds %s down with soggy clothes and breezeblocks
+recommends replacing %s's head
+mistakenly staples a faked-up OCSP unavailability response to %s's nose
+vents %s's spleen
+corrugates %s
+assaults %s with an organic carrot
+fills %s's NNTP server with fake news
+decides %s deserves an "alternative flirt"
+approves use of unnecessary violence in apprehension of %s
+debases %s
+papers over %s
+resolves to visit %s in the middle of the night dressed as Noseybonk
+considers %s less interesting than the rear end of a Volvo
+forces %s to shake hands with Donald Trump
+hashes %s
+threatens %s with a trout-replacement bus service
+has %s keelhauled
+makes %s pick oakum
+forces %s to work with the DUP
+slaps %s around a bit with U+1F40B
+excludes %s's middle
+throws a poo out of %s's bathroom window
+donates %s's brain to science
+converts %s into paperclips
+hijacks %s's brain for Dogecoin mining
+flattens, circularises and covers %s in cheese
+throws a cloth over %s's cage