hits %s with an omega-3-supplemented fish finger
blows a vuvuzela in %'s ear
reads the Eye of Argon to %s
-traps %s in a lift with Steve Jobs
+traps %s in a lift with Alan Sugar
pops a cap in %s's ass
spies on %s through their webcam
sets flying monkeys on %s
renormalises %s
accuses %s of witchcraft
turns %s into a newt
+signs %s up for bulk fish delivery
+picks %s's low-hanging fruit
+installs Rick Santorum in %s's bedroom
+makes it known that the prime minister has "full confidence" in %s
+collides a large haddock with %s
+attacks %s with a banana
+scraps %s
+rackmounts %s
+assaults %s with Margaret Thatcher's handbag
+LARTs %s
+bustitutes %s
+downgrades %s's A-level results
+admires %s's valves
+forces %s to walk the plank
+maroons %s on a desert island with only eight records and a useless luxury object for company
+creates a black hole and pushes %s beyond the event horizon
+shoves a giant picture of Jimmy Wales in %s's face
+pays The Who to follow %s around
+liquidizes %s's assets
+reduces %s to a soup-like homogenate
+asks Vladimir Putin to deal with %s