Maranello - the F1 soap opera

Episode Five

Scene 13 - The garage of a well-known auto racing team after the chequered flag has fallen.

The lighting is dim, and we can only just distinguish two figures: one is slumped semi-conscious on the floor clutching a small silver cup, and the other, tall and lean in a belted leather raincoat, is prodding the figure with a booted toe.

(At the sound of his bloodcurdling tone, EDDIE struggles to a seated position.)

(They go and sit down at a PC in the corner of the garage. EDDIE pushes a few keys.

(MS wrestles the keyboard from EDDIE and in doing so hits a few buttons. A talking duck appears on the screen.)

(There is a brief embarrassed silence.)

Scene 14 - The motorhome of a well known auto racing team after the chequered flag has fallen at the end of the Grand Prix.

The motorhome is in darkness but for the soft glow of a computer screensaver, which illuminates a stocky blonde figure slumped in an armchair, face in hands.

(He lets out a strangled sob)

(He scratches his head and sighs deeply.

(The door opens and HEINZ enters.)

(He lets out another strangled sob).

(HHF leaves and JACQUES allows himself to subside into heartfelt sobs again for a few moments. Then he stands up, goes over to the medicine chest, and reaches inside for the strong painkillers therein.)

(He walks over to the PC and hits the Enter key, The screensaver vanishes and he sits down at the desk to type.)

(As he types this, a box pops up on the PC screen with a talking duck in it.)

(He slams the keyboard and stands up so violently that he knocks the chair flying.)

(JACQUES quickly unscrews the tops from the pill bottles and starts knocking them back, aided by the consumption of a litre of Finlandia vodka which he finds in a cupboard.)

(JACQUES continues to take the pills and his shoulders sag as they begin to take effect. Suddenly the screen goes all swirly... - could it be - is it - a dream sequence?)

Scene 15 - The balcony of a country house, looking out on to the extensive landscaped gardens.

A few unsteady figures are playing a game of croquet and a few white-clad nurses push wheelchairs around the tree-lined paths. It's a beautiful day. We turn round to see a wizened old figure, almost bald, wearing a scarlet cardigan, scarlet tracksuit bottoms and slippers in the same extravagant red. He is covered by a lap blanket which is monogrammed simply with the word 'Ferrari'.

(OBB turns round and we see his view - a similarly ancient gentleman with a few wisps of blonde hair adhering to his rounded skull. He's also clad in red, albeit a slightly different shade, and a pair of coke-bottle specs are perched on the end of his inquisitive nose. His blanket bears the legend 'Winfield Williams BMW, F1 World Champions 2023' and his t-shirt is adorned with egg yolk stains and a picture of a man skiing down an Alpine slope.

(The two glower at each other. There is a pause.)

(There is a pause. Creaking wheels are heard and an extremely elderly gentleman, still with a good head of white hair and a dignified bearing, rolls himself in slowly.)

(The three inch their way along the corridor to the roof entrance, faces set with grim determination. They use the lift to ascend to the roof and, once there, position themselves at the start near some attractive bonsai trees.)

(The red light goes off and, with much puffing and effortful noises, the two inch their way along the side of the roof. DAMON shouts encouraging noises from the doorway. All of a sudden, as they take the first corner near the delphiniums, OBB reaches a withered hand out to the nearside wheel of OBM2's wheelchair and tips it over.)

(As we see OBB2 topple, as if in slow-motion, over the side of the roof, the screen goes all wobbly again....we're back to 'real' life!)

Scene 16 - In the garage of a well-known auto racing team back at the circuit.

All is activity, with mechanics packing up gear and chatting amongst themselves. THE GUV'NOR sits at a desk at the back, poring over the screen of his laptop.)

As he types this, a box pops up on the PC screen with a talking duck in it.)

(A MECHANIC comes rushing up to him in agitation.)

(THE GUV'NOR propels himself to the door of the motorhome. Just as he arrives, DAVID COULTHARD comes sauntering up in a skimpy t-shirt. DAVID heads straight for the coffee vending machine and punches a few numbers in, but cannot seem to get his drink out.)

(Before the MECHANIC has a chance to answer, JACQUES lurches out of the motorhome, down the steps, and vomits copiously all over DAVID's shoes.)

(He passes out on the ground. Two MECHANICS run up and carry him off to a waiting ambulance. DC shrugs and heads for a nearby hose to wash off his shoes, but only a trickle emerges from the tap.)

Scene 17 - The aft toilet of an aeroplane. By the lavish fittings and monograms, we see it's BERNIE's private jet. BERNIE'S BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER is standing by the sink, gazing at herself in the mirror.

(She looks down at the small plastic wand she is holding in one hand. A blue stripe can clearly be seen.)

(There is a rapping at the door of the toilet.)

(Theme music fades in...)

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