Maranello - the F1 soap opera
Episode 4
Scene 9 - The pitlane on
the Catalunya circuit - the race is about to begin.
We go first into the garage of a well-known auto racing
team, where a cluster of frantic mechanics clad in baggy red
overalls are making urgent preparations.
Mechanic 1: |
'Oo are we setting the spare car up
for, guv? |
The Guv'nor: |
(checking his monitors) Depends.
Did someone calculate the odds of the safety car coming
out again this week? |
Mechanic 2: |
Depends 'oo you ask, guv. If yer
ask that bloke with the beard up the road, 'e just shakes
'is 'ead and sez "About 95%" but if you go
further up and ask the blokes in black suits, they just
say somefink like "We've calculated it to six
significant figures and we'll be optimising the
projection to maximise our active response window in the
event of a safety car deployment". |
The Guv'nor: |
OK, shut up and let me think. How
many incidents were there in qualifying? |
Mechanic 1: |
Depends what you mean by an
incident. I mean, Jacques got on the fourth row of the
grid... |
The Guv'nor: |
I meant accidents. |
Mechanic 2: |
Fink 'e did an' all, guv'nor. |
The Guv'nor: |
Enough of the comedy routine, lads.
Set the spare car up for Jacques. I think we're safe with
that one. And make sure we've got spare everythings in
case something weird happens. Let's try and keep our pit
stops within the ten-minute mark this weekend, OK? (The
GUV'NOR puts on his headphones with the air of someone
seeking refuge from the surroundings, but is immediately
interrupted again.)
|
The Guv'nor: |
(irritated) What? |
Mechanic 1: |
Not that I want to worry you or
anything, guv - |
The Guv'nor: |
Don't tell me. Jacques isn't here
yet. Did he get lost again? |
Mechanic 1: |
Oh, Jacques got here a while ago,
guv. I think he's just getting changed. No, guv, it's
Heinz. Haven't seen hide nor hair of him since last
night. |
The Guv'nor: |
Oh, fuck. If it's not one of them,
it's the other. I think I'll hire a nanny for
Magny-Cours. |
Mechanic 2: |
(slyly) Have you looked for him in
that big hotel down town, guv? |
The Guv'nor: |
The Marmoset? |
Mechanic 2: |
That's the one. |
The Guv'nor: |
Should I have? |
Mechanic 2: |
Reckon you'd better ask Bernie's
daughter about that, guv. (All the
mechanics titter.)
|
The Guv'nor: |
This is all I need. Someone go and
find him, for Christ's sakes. I mean, we've only got
fifteen minutes to go. No hurry or anything. |
(The MECHANICS scatter, sobered by the biting sarcasm in
the GUV'NOR'S voice. Just as they do so, however, a very
dishevelled HEINZ, his Daffy Duck-enhanced Nomex overalls in
tatters and his neck festooned with red abrasions, staggers
through the door. Ribald laughter and catcalling ensues from the
mechanics.)
Mechanic 1: |
'Ere 'e is! Alright, 'einz! 'Ad a
bit of a night out, eh? |
Heinz: |
Urrrrghhhhhh. Sir, I am sorry. I
got, um, er.... |
The Guv'nor: |
(hands on hips) Laid? |
Heinz: |
(indignant) It was not a 'lay'. It
was a beautiful, spiritual experience. |
The Guv'nor: |
(thin-lipped) If you drive a
beautiful, spiritual race, we'll say no more about it. |
Heinz: |
(briefly defiant) And if I don't? |
The Guv'nor: |
Well, you can forget about
Disneyland for a while, my lad. |
Heinz: |
(gulps) Have I got time for a quick
shower? |
The Guv'nor: |
(roars) Get in that bloody car,
sunshine! |
HEINZ scrambles into the car as if his pants were on
fire and dashes for the grid.
Scene 10 - The motorhome
of another well-known auto racing team at the Catalunya circuit.
DAVID is changing his shirt preparatory to donning his
Nomex and climbing into the car. MIKA, already dressed, is
reading a book on North American UFO sightings.
DAVID: |
Chuck us over that t-shirt, Mika. |
MIKA: |
(doing so) Have you got your lucky
pants on this wek? |
DAVID: |
Fuck, no. I left them in some
girl's hotel room last night. Anyway, I'm feeling lucky
today. |
MIKA: |
Funny, so am I. Might have
something to do with my little chat with Ron over dinner
last night. |
DAVID: |
Since when did you have dinner with
Ron the night before a race? |
MIKA: |
Oh, Ron and I have been spending
more and more time together recently. Since you haven't
been available, of course. Purely on a social basis, of
course - he gets lonely sometimes, everyone afraid of
him, having to fire people all the time... |
DAVID: |
Hmph. I'm not scared of him. He
doesn't even go to the gym. |
MIKA: |
Do you know, he used to go out with
this woman who spotted a UFO in desert in Utah, years
ago? I wonder if it belonged to any of my relatives. I
asked him but he couldn't remember what colour - |
Before he can finish, there is a tap on the motorhome
door, and a perky custard-yellow head wearing a cheery grin pops
round it.
JV: |
Hey! Guys! Hot gossip! Hot gossip! |
JV: |
About Heinz! I could kiss him. He
finally got that girl away from me! |
DAVID/MIKA: |
(incredulously) Heinz-Harald got a
girl? |
JV: |
He went off with Bernie's daughter
last night while I was on the mountain! You should've
come with us David, it was awesome - the silence, the
stars... |
DAVID: |
(hastily scrambling into his
t-shirt) You're having me on. |
Just then a posse of RON's heavies appears at the door
behind JV looking vaguely threatening. MIKA hurriedly stuffs his
paperback under a pile of telemetry printouts.
HEAVY: |
Shouldn't you be somewhere else,
sunshine? |
JV: |
Umm....errrr....I was
just.....yeah, I'm...um, good luck, David... |
(Blushing, he turns to bolt and makes it past the first
flunky before misjudging the road back to the pitlane, careering
round in a half-circle before bumping into a group of Minardi
mechanics and knocking a group of beautiful models flying.
Scowling, he re-enters the pitlane and slinks off to his own
garage.)
HEAVY: |
Got orders to take you gentlemen
down to the garage. Separately. |
(The two finish preparing and are escorted down to begin
preparing for the race.)
Scene 11 - Another team's
garage.
MS: |
(hisses) Eddie! A word, please. |
MS: |
You look like shit today. |
EDDIE: |
Overdid it a bit last night I
think. Fuggin' hell, that champagne has a real kick... |
MS: |
(distastefully) Anyway. Did you do
what I asked you to do? |
EDDIE: |
Lessee. I posted your letters,
picked up your dry-cleaning, booked your flights - |
MS: |
(interrupting) No, no, not that -
oh, forget it. Forget I ever said anything. |
MS: |
Let's get out of here. Remember
what Jean told you for this weekend. |
EDDIE: |
Am I getting to drive the safety
car again? |
MS: |
In a manner of speaking. Just
listen to your pits radio, OK? |
EDDIE: |
Got any Alka-Seltzer? |
MS: |
Ask one of the mechanics. |
(He turns on one booted heel and stalks back to the
front of the garage to get into his car and begin.)
Scene 12 - The commentary
box custom-built for the broadcast of a well-known Northern
European national TV station.
MARTIN: |
Coming out of turn 14 now and and
they're coming back to the start to line up on the grid
and begin the 1998 Spanish Grand Prix! You can see them
weaving from side to side to keep some heat into those
tyres as they close up behind Mika and David on the front
row there. |
(The cars move round to the start-finish straight, but
just as they do so there is the first 'incident'.)
MURRAY: |
(screaming) And it's Fisichella!
The young Italian has had a CATASTROPHIC failure! BOTH
FRONT WHEELS have just FALLEN OFF his car! I can't
BELIEVE it! Was there contact with that Minardi behind
there, Martin? |
MARTIN: |
Actually Murray that's Alexander
Wurz there, in that blue Benetton. I didn't quite see
what happened but I can't see how Tuero's Minardi could
have caused that accident. |
MURRAY: |
TERRIBLE luck for the young
Austrian there in only his fifteenth Formula 1 race. I
WONDER what has happened? |
MARTIN: |
Well as you know Murray Alex is the
superstitious type and I was talking to his mechanic in
the bar last night, and he told me that Alex has decided
to make sure he has odd tyres on his right and left front
wheels to bring him luck - on the left he has a Goodyear
and on the right a Bridgestone. |
MURRAY: |
Well, it certainly hasn't brought
him any luck THIS week! What an action- packed parade lap
we've had here at the Catalunya circuit! |
MARTIN: |
And you can see there Alez Wurz
sprinting back to the pits to get into the spare car
which has been set up for him this weekend. |
MURRAY: |
And - and - sorry to interrupt you
there Martin - but there are the team's mechanics
flooding back OFF the grid, the red flags are put away
and we're all ready for the second attempt at the
start!!! |
MARTIN: |
And of course Wurz will have to
start from the pit lane rather than from his qualifying
position of ninth on the grid. |
MURRAY: |
Terrible luck for the young
Austrian. |
MARTIN: |
And they're coming round that first
corner - it's a bit of a tight fit but they're all round
it and OH! It's Ralf Schumacher! |
(VT: shot of stricken
yellow car pointing wrong way)
MARTIN: |
And Eddie will not be impressed by
young Ralf's performance this weekend. Nineteenth on the
grid and not even round the first corner. |
MURRAY: |
A TERRIBLE day for the young
German. And LOOK! LOOK! IT'S A MCLAREN! IT'S A MCLAREN!
Coming out of turn 4! |
MARTIN: |
And there's a sight we haven't seen
for a while - a silver car with flames coming from the
back. Which McLaren is it Murray? |
MURRAY: |
IT'S DAVID COULTHARD! TERRIBLE luck
for the young Scot there. And his race is obviously over.
After qualifying on pole. Still at least he's walking
away from that McLaren as the marshals come over with
their fire extinguishers. |
(VT: |
Tall man in silver overalls
wretchedly removing helmet and fireproof balaclava stands
next to silver car engulfed in flame.) |
MARTIN: |
Well I think everyone here except
maybe for Mika Hakkinen will feel very disappointed for
DC. When is he going to get a lucky break. |
MURRAY: |
And coming up to turn 10 on the
Catalunya circuit it's Hakkinen! Schumacher! Irvine!
Fisichella! And Rubens Barrichello is in the points! He's
moved up to fifth place in front of Jacques Villeneuve!
Just out of the points is Frentzen followed by a
magnificent Mika Salo in eighth place in the Arrows. Wait
- wait a minute- is that - Oh My God! It's a Williams! |
MARTIN: |
It's Jacques Villeneuve. What the
hell are you doing, Jacques? The circuit points the other
way! |
MURRAY: |
I do not believe this! The little
French-Canadian is driving the wrong way! |
MARTIN: |
Well he's not in any danger cos
he's driving over the grassy area and not on the track.
But his race is clearly over and you have to wonder just
what he thinks he can achieve with this. There must be a
problem with the car. |
MURRAY: |
Well I've never seen anything like
this in all my years of commentating Martin. |
MARTIN: |
Mind you the way the Williams has
been going recently he maybe thinks he might as well go
round the other way. |
MURRAY: |
And Louise Goodman is in the
Williams pit to find out! Louise! |
LOUISE: |
I'm standing here next to Frank
Williams himself and he has no idea why Jacques is
driving off the road! There isn't a problem with the car
as far as we know and he hasn't said anything into the
radio. Apparently his mechanic just told him about
David's McLaren going up in flames at turn 4, and the
next thing they knew he had turned the car round and was
driving back towards the starting grid! |
MURRAY: |
Thank you Louise. And the Williams
has pulled up! He's getting out of the car in quite a
hurry - there has to be a problem with that Williams. |
MARTIN: |
I can't see any flames coming out
of that engine. I haven't a clue what is going on here. |
MURRAY: |
And the world champion retires on
the first lap of the Spanish Grand Prix! He's out of the
car! And he's running towards the McLaren! He's going up
to David Coulthard! |
MARTIN: |
Well as you know the two drivers
are close friends and live quite near each other in
Monaco. |
MURRAY: |
Even so the French-Canadian has
clearly given up the fight to catch the McLarens and
Michael Schumacher in this year's world championship. |
MARTIN: |
It is very odd behaviour but I
guess we'll have to wait for the press conference later
to find out what's going on here. |
MURRAY: |
And meanwhile! Fastest lap of the
race so far is Michael Schumacher, putting in a 1 min
23.4 seconds! |
MARTIN: |
What I can't figure out is why
Eddie Irvine is going so slowly. He's putting down 1 min
25's all the way from the start. He has to be holding up
Fisichella's Benetton. |
MURRAY: |
Team orders in the Ferrari garage
there do you think Martin? |
MARTIN: |
Oh, I wouldn't like to say, Murray
(laughter). |
MURRAY: |
Well, time for us to take a break
from this amazing Spanish Grand Prix! |
(commercial break)
Looks like JV has had the courage to declare himself at last -
but what sort of reception will he get? And why exactly did the
normally reliable Mercedes engine in that silver car turn into a
hand grenade? Does it have anything to do with Eddie's nocturnal
visit? And will there be any repercussions from Heinz' midnight
adventures? You'll have to wait and see...
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