Maranello - the F1 soap opera
Episode Two
What do you think? Long lost love child
or what? See the movie here.
Scene One - The pit lane at Catalunya. It is the
first big test since Silverstone.
We focus on a garage wrapped in glorious scarlet, busy
with mechanics and journalists.
MIKA: |
...well, it was all about the
garage. I threatened to go to the press when I saw it. |
EDDIE: |
The BAR garage? (He gestures up the
pitlane to another garage, fitted with a
blue-and-red-striped revolving door.) |
MIKA: |
That's the one. Way back, when we
were here for the Grand Prix, I came down before
breakfast to see my race engineer. |
MIKA: |
And there was only the two of us
there, and we saw that someone had painted the awning. |
EDDIE: |
The one that says 'A Tradition of
Excellence'? |
MIKA: |
Only that's not what it said. |
MIKA: |
Well, Excellence had been
spray-painted out and someone had put 'Impotence'
instead. |
EDDIE: |
Jesus Christ, you're joking. |
MIKA: |
No way. Would I lie to you? |
EDDIE: |
You'd lie to anyone. |
EDDIE: |
Who was that a reference to, do you
think? |
MIKA: |
Well, Jacques did say he'd
overheard Craig and his wife having a quarrel in the next
suite... |
EDDIE: |
Whatever. (rising, stretching)
Anyway, enough of the chit chat. Let's get one thing
straight, shall we? Now that there's no cameras around.
Listen, your name might be Michael in Finnish, but I know
who you are. |
EDDIE: |
You're not fit to tighten Michael's
nuts as far as I'm concerned. |
MIKA: |
Tell me that tomorrow, Mister
Number Two. |
(He stands up and stalks off towards the BAR garage. As
MIKA saunters down the pitlane, he sees a home-made banner draped
above the revolving door, proclaiming 'A Tradition Of Absence'.)
MIKA: |
(taking down the banner) Jacques,
Jacques, there's got to be a better way to make your
point. |
JV: |
(mutinously) I was promised more
than this from Adrian Bloody Reynard! He made me all
those promises! And I've never even met him! |
MIKA: |
I'm sure you'll finish a race soon. |
(He ducks as JV throws a tire iron at him.)
JV: |
(calling after Mika) I'll swap you!
You can have your BAR back! |
(MIKA laughs as a FLUNKEY rushes up to him.)
FLUNKEY: |
Mika, I mean Mr Salo, Sir!? Is
there anything I can get you? Mineral water? Something to
eat? A laptop? Your own Lear jet? A personal trainer? |
MIKA: |
(graciously) Nothing for now, thank
you. |
FLUNKEY: |
Very good, Mr Salo, Sir! |
(He salutes and scuttles away.)
MIKA: |
Why are you in such a foul mood
anyway? |
JV: |
Why, he asks. Why do you think? My
season is a disaster. Everything is going wrong. And my
love life is a disaster. |
MIKA: |
What about - uh, thingy? |
JV: |
He flew back to the States. Met
someone else. Some FBI guy. |
MIKA: |
But what about- whatsername? |
JV: |
Haven't seen her since that
punch-up in London. Shouldn't have cracked the chair over
her head, but it was dark, everyone was milling around,
screaming... |
MIKA: |
What about the other one? |
JV: |
She's gone back to Australia. Told
me to 'think of all the bubbles of love we made', kissed
me on the cheek, then walked out the door. |
MIKA: |
Christ. (pause) But surely you're
still seeing whosis? |
JV: |
Nope. World tour. I call her now
and again, but...it's not the same. |
MIKA: |
I didn't realise. Um, we'll go out
on the town after these tests, OK? |
JV: |
I'm not in the mood. I might as
well forget about love. It never works out for me. |
MIKA: |
Oh, come on. My girlfriend knows
loads of Australian women, I'll get her to ring round
some people. |
(JV pauses for a moment, gazing up the pitlane to a
silver-liveried garage, his face a study in agonised
contemplation...)
Scene 2 - A bedroom in an exclusive private
clinic in Switzerland.
MS: |
(irritably) Never mind the bloody
grapes. |
WIFE: |
Darling, I thought you'd like them. |
MS: |
I'm sorry. Darling, they're lovely
grapes, but you do understand. I have to get back to work
as quickly as I can. |
WIFE: |
Just a few more days and then the
physiotherapist will come again. |
MS: |
I can't wait that long! With every
hour I lie here, Eddie's star rises another inch! |
WIFE: |
Darling, the best thing you can do
is rest and recover your strength. We should all be
grateful that things were no worse. |
MS: |
I suppose you're right, my love. |
WIFE: |
You concentrate on getting fit.
I'll ensure that the Eddie situation doesn't become a
problem. |
MS: |
I could have sworn that the brakes
were OK when the race started. |
WIFE: |
Would it surprise you if I were to
say that a certain race engineer employed by a certain
Number Two driver had a large financial stake in his
success? |
MS: |
(with a new respect in his eyes)
The longer we're married, my sweet, the more I discover
about you. |
WIFE: |
I won't let you down, my love. |
MS: |
I know. Have you ever? |
(They kiss lovingly, then MS' WIFE produces a laptop
from her purse and begins tapping away at some telemetry.)
WIFE: |
What time does your satellite
linkup with the pits begin? |
MS: |
At around fourteen hundred hours.
Ross said he would ring me at around lap 24 to see when
Edmund should come in. |
WIFE: |
I'll tell the nurses not to disturb
you. |
Scene 3 - Back in the pit lane, we are in the
garage with the BIG GUV'NOR.
GUV: |
OK, try out the new rear wings in
free practice tomorrow, but I'm not sure we'll go with
them in the race. |
MECHANIC: |
Very good, guv. |
MECHANIC: |
In the motorhome, sir. 'e's aving a
few glasses of vino to take 'is mind off this mornin', I
fink. |
GUV: |
Well, that's fair enough I suppose.
Is Ralf with him? |
MECHANIC: |
(choking back laughter) Ralf's in
the gym, guv. |
GUV: |
Of course, of course. Well, I'm
going to have a quick word, then it's back to the hotel
for a few hours kip. |
MECHANIC: |
See you later then, guv. |
(The GUV'NOR wheels himself towards the motorhome and
taps on the door.)
AZ: |
Hi, sir. Here, let me help you with
that door. |
GUV: |
Alex, we need to talk. |
AZ: |
I know, I know (he shakes his
head). Every weekend, it is not good enough. You release
me from my contract, I understand. Chip Ganassi, he make
me an offer... |
GUV: |
Alex, Alex, we're not about to
ditch you in midseason. You won't have to go and drive
for Arrows next year. Or Chip Ganassi. |
AZ: |
You are not firing me? |
GUV: |
Heavens, no, at least not yet. No,
Alex, what I want to know is what has gone wrong. Why
things are going so badly for you. |
AZ: |
Some days it's the car, some
days... (he tails off, and won't meet the GUV'NOR's eye.) |
GUV: |
Is there anything you want to tell
me, Alex? |
AZ: |
It's a long story. But, well,
basically, I have always known I was adopted. I have been
very happy with my family, and I have never bothered to
find out the truth of my birth. |
AZ: |
Well, let's just say ... this
season, I found my father, but I lost my form. |
GUV: |
Your father? What, he heard of you
now you are working in Europe again? |
AZ: |
It's a little closer to home than
that. And the worst thing is, he is not sure he wants to
know me. |
GUV: |
(musing) Wait a second. Close to
home? As in, perhaps, a few garages down...? |
AZ: |
You must promise me that you will
not say anything. |
GUV: |
My lips are sealed. But if you want
me to have a word... |
AZ: |
Maybe sometime. But not now. |
Scene 4 - A deserted airfield, somewhere in the
middle of Utah.
(DAVID COULTHARD, dressed in a black suit and overcoat,
flips open the top of a silver Samsonite case and studies the
papers inside.)
DC: |
These printouts are great, but
things aren't moving fast enough. |
MULDER: |
It's a slow process. The
extraterrestrial communication devices are highly
sophisticated. |
SCULLY: |
We've only been able to penetrate
and decode the comms sequence once since we began this
operation. And frankly, I'm not convinced there -is- any
extraterrestrial involvement. Any reputable mobile
communications expert could be responsible for this
linkup. |
MULDER: |
My partner is a sceptic. But even
she had to admit that the results of that single
interception were remarkable. |
DC: |
Sure. He went right off the road
the second you trained the beam on him. But there's been
nothing since. |
SCULLY: |
Our evaluations found nothing which
could be scientifically proven to cause any unfair
performance advantage in your teammate. |
MULDER: |
Although it helps that he can
unicycle. |
SCULLY: |
Of course, we want to go further
with decoding this sophisticated communications relay,
but our interests are for national security, not points
scoring. |
DC: |
Just don't mess around with the
wheel nuts again. I told you not to do anything which
might endanger anyone. |
SCULLY: |
(exchanging glances with MULDER) We
didn't do anything with any wheel nuts, Mr Coulthard. |
DC: |
Oh, I just assumed... |
MULDER: |
Our role is purely evaluative. |
SCULLY: |
It would be unethical to
participate in any direct intervention which was not
targeted at establishing a therapeutic validity. |
DC: |
Forget it. I'll just hire a private
detective or something. I don't want to influence Mika. I
just want to know the truth about him. |
MULDER: |
(flipping sunflower seeds at DC)
Hold on a second. We finally got you clearance for a
Level III Preliminary Diagnostic. |
MULDER: |
We want to take a closer look. At
our top-secret evaluation facility in New Mexico. |
SCULLY: |
We'll be in touch. |
DC: |
Wait a second. Either of you got
time for a beer? |
(MULDER and SCULLY look at each other for a second, and
then MULDER nods.)
MULDER: |
You can buy. You're not on a
government salary. |
(The three of them get into the car and drive off.)
And so another episode staggers to a close... Will the
might of the FBI conquer the Evil Unicycling Aliens of Krecck
before the mothership comes down for Mika?
What does Michael's wife have in store for Eddie? And
will JV be able to sort his love life out this season? Who knows?
I sure as hell don't.
P.S. Despite making comic
capital out of Michael Schumacher's British GP accident,
Maranello wishes the former world champion a speedy and
straightforward recovery, and is glad it wasn't a lot worse...
