Maranello - the F1 soap opera

Season 2 - Episode One

Scene 1: The first-class cabin of a British Airways 747, somewhere above the Channel Islands.

It is two days after the Australian Grand Prix.

All is in darkness, save for a pool of light at the forefront. An elegant man in a well cut suit lies asleep in a reclined seat, flanked by two well-endowed blonde women. Several cans of Red Bull and bottles of vodka are scattered around.

Suddenly the aircraft banks abruptly and EDDIE stirs.

(The two BLONDE WOMEN hurtle into the cockpit and correct the problem. EDDIE sits up and has a drink of vodka.)

(He walks up and down the aisle, scanning the slumped figures, until he spots a slender figure, clad in a scruffy blue and purple shell suit. He is deep in conference with a scruffy journalist in a bomber jacket, slumped in the adjacent seat.)

(He excuses himself.)

(He slaps MICHAEL on the back and the smaller man winces theatrically and grimaces, remembering the weeks of recuperation.)

(EDDIE is saved from answering by the announcement of their impending landing at London Heathrow airport.)

Scene 2: The pit lane at Catalunya, a few days later.

A test is on and most of the garages are full of busy figures. We focus on two at the end of the row, "A Tradition Of Excellence" emblazoned above the entrances. Within, several mechanics labour busily over two cars.

(MECHANIC walks cross-legged towards the bag of the garage. But suddenly, there is a minor crash as a stack of tyres goes flying for no apparent reason.)

(The SECOND MECHANIC disappears into the back of the garage, leaving the car unattended. Unseen to all in the garage, but visible on camera, a stocky man with white-blond hair dressed in a black leather catsuit sneaks into the garage.)

(He kicks in the side pod and then hoists himself up on to the awning, crouched on the roof. As he disappears from sight, two men in bright blue shirts come strolling into the garage. As they talk, MIKA SALO removes a can of spray paint from his leather trousers and sprays out 'Excellence', replacing it with 'Incompetence' in bright blue paint. He dismounts and skulks away, still unseen)

As they confer, a petite man in white overalls with a target painted on the front (red and blue circles with a gold centre) wanders in.

(He mooches against the wall, hands in pockets. RICARDO ZONTA comes up to him.)

(THE BIG GUV'NOR happens to wheel himself past)

(He exits.)

(JV turns on his heel and stalks back towards the gloomy back of the garage, where a figure, tall and lanky in a belted trenchcoat, can be half-seen in the dim light. JV and BAYLISS head for the motorhome,hand in hand.)

(We move down the pitlane, where brightly clad mechanics and PR staff are busily doing whatever it is they do. Almost off-camera, a tall blond man with chiseled cheekbones can be seen hurrying out of a garage.)

(As the ENGINEER tosses the bulky valise towards DC, it accidentally becomes entangled with an air line and the garage roof collapses.)

(MIKA HAKKINEN sighs and beckons towards NICK HEIDFELD to come and help him hold the roof up.)

(We continue down the pitlane, arriving at the bright yellow painted garage in the middle of the row.)

(The two yellow-clad drivers stroll down the pitlane and find a crowd of people tittering outside the last garage in the row.)

Scene Three: A deserted warehouse somewhere on the planet.

Various unidentifiable boxes are stacked in rows, and the light filtering in from a couple of skylights reveals the dust motes hanging in the air.

In a far corner, a tall blond man wearing a black raincoat and fedora hat is leaning against a box, tapping his feet, apparently impatient.

We switch to an outside view as an American car pulls up outside the warehouse. The car is driven by a dark-haired white man in a suit and tie: in the passenger seat is a redheaded woman wearing a suit and an irritated expression.

(She casts an exasperated glance at him and gets out of the car.)

(The two enter the warehouse, and the tall figure walks towards them.)

(SCULLY and MULDER exchange sceptical glances.)

(MULDER picks up the file and leafs through it. We can see the logo of 'ITV F1 RACING' emblazoned on many of the sheets.)

(The two agents leave and climb back into their car. DAVID COULTHARD slips into a helicopter parked out back of the warehouse and lifts rapidly into the clouds. MULDER and SCULLY watch the black dot disappear.)

(She starts the car and they head off down the highway.)

Scene Four - The Hotel Marmoset near Catalunya circuit, a few days later. Testing is over for the day.

(They kiss and cuddle for a while, but it becomes clear something's wrong...)

(She gets up, storms off and slams the connecting door to the suite's second bedroom. We follow her into the room, where she sits for a while, tearful, and then, as if gripped by resolve, rapidly dresses and rings down to the front desk for a taxi.)

Scene Five - The G-Force bar in a small street in the middle of Amsterdam.

(JOS VERSTAPPEN, a man of medium height and unexceptionable appearance, sits toying with a mineral water. He is the only customer.)

Suddenly, MIKA SALO enters the bar, clad in black leather and wearing shades, collar turned up, glancing nervously from left to right.

(Fade to black with doomy music! Will the cast-out former stars of F1 succeed in ridiculing the flavour of the month? Will Craig's marriage survive his first season as a team owner? And will Mulder and Scully join forces with David Coulthard to fight the evil unicycling aliens of Krecck? Stay tuned, etc., etc...)

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