Maranello - the F1 soap opera
Episode 1
Scene 1 - The garage of a
well-known auto racing team at the Catalunya circuit.
It's Thursday. Everyone is getting ready for the weekend
ahead, and various mechanics are busying themselves with the
cars, but there's still some time to wander to the pit wall, have
a gossip, and take the piss out of the Stewart Ford truckies.
Round the back of the garage, in stark contrast to the
organised efficiency of the men within, we see a beautiful but
disordered young woman - BERNARD'S BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER - emerging
from the motorhome. Her cheeks are flushed and her determined
chin thrust forward in fury: we can clearly see that she is
feisty, strong and independent, a true Nineties babe. Two tall
men, obviously armed, maintain a discreet but watchful distance
as she comes down the steps, tucking her Prada shirt into her
short, tight Gucci skirt and almost tripping over her Manolo
Blahniks - suddenly, with a clatter, she drops her armful of
feminine accoutrements.
(The mechanics stop their work and are discreetly eyeing
her as she gathers her purse, sunglasses and pit passes together.
As she bends down awkwardly, they realise she isn't wearing any
underwear.)
BBD: |
What the fuck are you looking at? |
(The mechanics swiftly make busy with their equipment.)
BBD: |
If you don't quit ogling me,
asshole, I'll talk to my father. He'll make sure you
can't even get a job changing wheelnuts in Formula Ford
next season! |
BBD tosses her luxuriant chestnut tresses and stalks,
head held high, into the back of the garage. Suddenly, she spies
a diminutive blond man - JACQUES - in an oversized Nomex jumpsuit
standing beside one of the skeleton cars, and her face is
instantly transformed by an angelic smile as she makes a beeline
for him.)
BBD: |
Hey, how's it going? |
JV: |
Like shit. (long pause) Shouldn't
you be at school or something? |
BBD: |
Screw school. I'm finished with
that shit. Besides, I don't think they have anything left
to teach me. (She smiles and licks her lips seductively.)
|
JV: |
Never bothered much with it myself.
So what are you up to now? |
BBD: |
Actually I'm putting a film
together |
BBD: |
Penises of the Rich and Famous.
Kinda like that Paula Yates book, y'know, Rock
Stars in their Underwear. (She seizes
the front of his Nomex jumpsuit and presses close to him,
whispering - )I really think you should
be in it. |
JV: |
(frantically trying to catch the
eye of one of the mechanics) Uh maybe. Look, I really
gotta run. Nice, uh, seeing you again. Give my regards to
your father, yeah? |
BBD: |
Why don't you give them to him
yourself? Come to our hotel this evening. Maybe we could
even have dinner? |
JV: |
(glaring at the giggling mechanics,
none of whom have ambled over to help him out) Sorry,
I've got a prior engagement. Mika and I are gonna hike
into the mountains and meditate over the sunrise. You
know, help us focus. I guess we'll just grab some nuts
and berries or something on the way up. |
BBD: |
Too bad, hey. Next time, maybe? |
JV: |
Sure. Uh, look, there's Jock.
Gottagoseeyabye! |
(He hurries over to his race engineer, who has just
emerged from the motorhome).
Engineer: |
Hey, Jacques. (wryly) Maybe we
should put her in the spare car and qualify her on the
grid behind you. |
JV: |
For sure, it's the only fucking way
I'd get on pole with this car. |
(The two begin poring over the latest testing telemetry,
and we cross fade into - ).
Scene 2 - A luxurious
suite at the Hotel Marmoset, Barcelona
(A beautiful but middle-aged woman, her tear-ravaged
face still stunning and her clothes elegant, is sobbing piteously
into a Baccarat glass full of chilled Stolichnaya. Beside her on
the brocaded sofa is a mature, bespectacled and greying man -
BERNARD, the international tycoon and businessman - his power
evident in the set of his shoulders and the eye which keeps
straying to the pile of faxes on the writing desk across the
room.)
Wife: |
(through sobs) It wouldn't be so
bad if he would just LOOK at me! (She slugs down some
vodka.) |
Bernard: |
I know, sweetie, I know. |
Wife: |
(turning to face Bernie) I know
things haven't been so good with us for a while. You're
away so often... |
Bernard: |
I know, sweetie, I know. |
Wife: |
... and he paid me so much
attention at first, when he was new. Every time he got on
the podium, he would give me his special smile and wave
at me - and then later he would feed me Moet from the cup
when we were alone together - sniff... |
Bernard: |
(suddenly animated) Was that the
year the Moet bills suddenly went through the roof? |
Wife: |
sniff - Whatever. But now, of
course, he's Mr Big, the Double World Champion, with his
hamster-faced wife and his silly little pug dog... |
(She breaks into a fresh storm of weeping)
Bernard: |
Do you want me to do something
about him? I can talk to Jean... |
Wife: |
But I still LOVE him! (she weeps
too hard to speak.) |
Bernard: |
Baby, I know you do, but he's
married now, and you have your reputation - |
Wife: |
The hell with my reputation! Love
is more important! |
Bernard: |
Uh-huh, and is it "love"
with Giancarlo too, then? (He stands up.) |
Wife: |
(stops weeping at the sound of the
sudden steel in his voice) Darling, you know it's only
sex. He means nothing to me. You are my rock, my shining
star, my destiny - (she takes another healthy swig of the
vodka) |
Bernard: |
And your meal ticket, huh? |
Wife: |
(spitefully) Don't tell me *you*
have never been with another woman! |
Bernard: |
I know we have our little
'understanding'. I just don't like to see you make a fool
of yourself with a younger man, baby, that's all.
Everyone knows you are my wife. It's just not
appropriate. It could affect the flotation! |
Wife: |
(with distaste) Would you prefer me
to screw some fat, old, American tobacco billionaire?
Would that be "appropriate"? |
(BERNARD shudders visibly.)
(WIFE throws the vodka into the fireplace and stamps
out. BERNARD shakes his head and reaches for the pile of faxes on
the antique Louis XVI writing desk.) Quick cut to:
Scene Three - The
motorhome of another well-known auto racing team at Catalunya.
A tall, broad, chiselled man with an air of confidence -
DAVID - and a slighter, blonder companion, with more hesitant
body language - MIKA - are poring over the notebook computer on
the desk while a margarita machine does its stuff in the
background. FX: noisy shoot-em-up computer games noises.
DC: |
Hah! Got you again! That's 43-10 to
me! |
MH: |
Is not fair! You always win. |
DC: |
You shouldn't keep bringing your
spaceship in for refuelling when it doesn't need it. |
(Heavy footsteps are heard and the door handle turns.
Panicking, the two turn to the computer screen.
MH: |
Shit! Get the telemetry up again!
Quick! |
DC: |
This thing only has 4 MB RAM! Cover
me while I restart it! |
(Enter a powerful and slightly sinister figure - RON -
resplendent in silver shirt, black trousers, and steely glare.)
RD: |
You boys got that telemetry problem
figured out yet? |
MH: |
Uh, sir, um, yes, sort of, David is
just restarting the computer... |
DC: |
I'll print out the revised pit stop
scenarios and take them over to the garage in a minute.
Sir. |
RD: |
As you were. (He leaves). |
(DAVID decides to change shirt and takes one off,
sitting around gratuitously for a while before reaching for
another one. Before he can put it on, there's another knock at
the door.)
MH: |
Go away! We are working on
important business! |
MH: |
(aside, to DC) Did it save that
last game? |
(JACQUES pokes a scruffy blond head round the door,
trying but not quite succeeding to avert his eyes from DAVID'S
impressive musculature.)
JV: |
Does that include me? |
DC: |
Depends why you're here. |
JV: |
Just dropped by for a chat. I
brought that Aruba Gold I was telling you about. |
MH: |
(sighing) Does that mean I have to
stand at the doorway polishing my sunglasses while you
two get stoned again? |
DC: |
Well, if Ron catches us, he's not
going to care that you weren't actually smoking the
stuff, is he? So it's in your own best interests to look
out. |
MH: |
That's a good point, David. (He
goes to the doorway.) |
(JV and DC proceed to skin up on top of the notebook
case, using a photograph of Michael Schumacher as a roach. JV
lights up and takes a draw, passing it over to DC.)
JV: |
So, David - what you up to tonight? |
DC: |
Well, I'm meant to be meeting this
blonde in the hotel bar at 8pm, and she claims she's got
a twin sister, so I'm sort of going to see what develops,
you know. Take it a bit easy, got to go to the gym early
tomorrow before my Armani photoshoot. Might not stay
late. |
JV: |
(wincing) Oh well. Me and Mika Salo
are going on an overnight trip out of town and we
wondered if you fancied coming along? Only thing is,
we've only got the two tents and Mika has to have one to
himself for his snoring ... |
DC: |
Sorry, mate. Not much of an outdoor
type, me. |
JV: |
(downcast) Sure. Another time? |
MH: |
Psssst! You two! Here he is! |
(DC and JV hurriedly extinguish the spliff and JV tucks
the dog end into his overalls. A tense silence falls as they
await the entry of RON.
MH: |
Hahahahahaha! Got you that time! |
DC: |
(menacingly) You can forget about
the podium this weekend, Mika my man. |
MH: |
Come on, David, you know what Ron
told you about the team orders! |
JV: |
Uh, I better go. I guess. |
DC: |
Got a hot date with Bernie's
daughter? I think she likes you. (he leers) I've seen her
having a good look at you in the pits. |
JV: |
(horrified) God no! (pause) I mean,
I don't think she's my type. |
DC: |
Wouldn't mind finding out about her
myself. I like my women feisty and strong, like my
margaritas. If I could get past the queue of your gawping
mechanics, of course. Maybe that's why your pit stops are
taking so long this year? (He guffaws rudely.) |
JV: |
(half to himself) Maybe they just
all hate me. (he sniffs). Maybe they all recognise me for
the miserable coward I am - |
JV: |
Nothing. Gotta go. Here's Ron! Uh,
hi Ron! (He practically sprints back to his own pit.) |
RON: |
Got those printouts? |
Fade to black, and the theme music starts as we await
the next exciting episode of Maranello! Will Bernard's Beautiful
Daughter succeed in enticing the rumpled Jacques back to her
hotel room - or will he have the courage to admit to the love
that dare not speak its name? Can Bernard's wife ever overcome
her love for the double world champion who so callously dumped
her? Will David resist the temptation to exhibit his upper body
development at every opportunity? Tune in next time to find out -
(if the lawyers don't close me down first)..
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