Maranello - the F1 soap opera
Episode 2
Scene 4 - The garage of a
well-known auto racing team at the Catalunya circuit.
It's late Friday night and the garage is practically
deserted but for a couple of mechanics tidying up, and a tall,
slender but hesitant man - HEINZ - in a set of brightly-coloured
Nomex overalls with a picture of Daffy Duck on the front.
Dark-haired and good-looking in an unspoiled, somewhat innocent
way, he is dividing his attention between an intermittent
discussion with the mechanics, and the Cartoon Channel on the
cable TV in the corner of the garage.
Heinz: |
(to Mechanic 1) Have you seen
Jacques anywhere? |
Heinz: |
He's kinda short, has blond hair,
bit of a hippy type... |
M1: |
Oh right guv. Well, that rings a
bell right enough. |
M2: |
I think I know who you mean. I've
seen him around the paddock, talking to the big guv'nor,
but I thought he drove for Ferrari. |
M1: |
It's so hard to tell with these new
overalls, guv, you know what I mean? |
Heinz: |
(sulkily) He's *meant* to drive for
us. |
M1: |
Well, guv, last I heard he was
going on holiday to the Nile delta next week. |
Heinz: |
Does that mean I have to do all the
testing next week again? Shit! |
M1: |
Looks like it, guv. The big
guv'nor's not too chuffed either. |
Heinz: |
But I'll miss the new season of Ren
and Stimpy! Jacques promised he'd do some testing this
time. Frank never lets me watch television when we're
testing. (He sulks in a corner). As Heinz is
contemplating his miserable existence, BBD smooches into
the garage. |
BBD: |
Don't call me babe, you
motherfucker. |
M1: |
(sarcastically) Can we help you,
*Madam*? |
BBD: |
(frostily) I'm looking for Jacques. |
Heinz: |
(mutinously) Take a ticket and
stand in line. |
M1: |
I thought I saw him heading for the
McLaren motorhome about an hour ago, doll. Looked a bit
lost, mind. |
Heinz: |
And then he's heading up a mountain
with Mika Salo. |
(A tall, slightly sinister-looking blonde - MIKA - pokes
his head into the garage.)
ALL: |
No, we fucking haven't! |
Mika: |
You'd think he'd keep an
appointment with the best driver in Formula 1, wouldn't
you? |
Heinz: |
(slyly) I wasn't aware Michael was
around tonight. |
Mika: |
I hate this fucking city. The girls
are all ugly and nobody chills their vodka. |
(He stomps off.)
(While MIKA is talking, BBD has drawn HEINZ over into a
quiet corner and is sliding her index finger down the front
fastenings of his overalls.)
BBD: |
So you and Jacques must be pretty
close, huh? |
Heinz: |
Actually the only time we are ever
in the same place at the same time is when he is sitting
behind me on the starting grid. |
BBD: |
(silkily) You poor baby. It must be
difficult for you. Everyone paying attention to the World
Champion, and you... |
Heinz: |
Oh, I get by. I drive the car, I
can afford a nice house, and if I get on the podium Frank
lets me go to Disneyland when I'm not testing. |
BBD: |
You're an attractive man, Heinz... |
Heinz: |
(blushing) Umm....errr.... I
mean... |
BBD: |
Surely you must have lots of women
after you? |
Heinz: |
Umm....I'm sure there are....I
mean....ummmm.... (he flinches) |
BBD: |
So I'm the lucky one, getting this
close to you? (She practically purrs). You know, I love
Disneyland, too. |
Heinz: |
(animatedly) It's my favourite
place in the world! |
BBD: |
Daddy took it over for my sixteenth
birthday last year. |
Heinz: |
Oh, wow. I wish someone would do
that for me. |
BBD: |
Are you finished up here? All set
for tomorrow? |
BBD: |
Fancy coming back to my hotel? I've
got cable in my room, too. We could get pizza and Coke
from room service. Don't you ever get fed up of all this
caviar and champagne? |
BBD: |
Me too. (She links her arm through
his.) Let's go! |
(The two leave and climb into BBD's Porsche).
Scene 5 - A hugely
expensive and fashionable restaurant in Barcelona city centre.
A fit, tanned and spare gentleman - MICHAEL -
conservatively dressed but well groomed, is sitting in the middle
of a large group of Beautiful People. At one elbow is a Baccarat
crystal glass full of chilled Bollinger: in his other hand, a
hand-rolled Havana cigar. He occasionally stops to pet a haughty
Persian cat with a diamond collar, sitting on a velvet cushion
beside him.
Next to him is his attractive, blonde wife, who has a
small pug dog sitting on her lap to which she occasionally feeds
scraps of blinis, caviar and smoked salmon. Also at this table is
an unshaven, slightly inebriated Irishman - EDWARD - whose purple
and green shell suit looks a little out of place amongst the
designer gear.
MS: |
(silkily) ....So then I said to
him, nobody accuses me of not driving a clean race. Not
even a male model such as yourself. |
Eddie: |
You're absolutely right, Michael.
You're the most law-abiding driver in motor racing. I
mean, I can follow the rules myself, pretty close behind
you as a matter of fact, but you're the best, giving it
100 per cent. (He waves for the waiter.) |
MS: |
After all, I told him, one of your
colleagues was foolish enough to question my
sportsmanship during the last season. And now look at
him? His appearance has been ruined. He will win no
modelling contracts this year! |
Eddie: |
No doubt about it, Michael, when it
comes to ruining appearances, you're the best. I can give
you a run for your money myself, more than those other
wannabes, but I have to acknowledge your superlative
talents in that direction. (He swigs his Guinness.) |
Wife: |
Perhaps we should invite him over
for dinner. We could put him in the special room, and
make him see reason that way. |
MS: |
An excellent idea, my sweet. (He
strokes the cat.) |
Wife: |
(shudders) As long as we do not
have to entertain that unspeakable Jacques again. Imagine
it! Asking for a "billy can" he called it, and
making a camp fire right there in the middle of my
Aubusson carpet! |
MS: |
I won't be issuing any invitations
to him again, my dearest one. |
Eddie: |
Had him round to my pile in Ireland
once last season. Bastard wanted to fish in my lake for
piranha! I said, the only fookin' piranha in my lake is
my last fookin' agent! Hahahahahahah! (He chokes on his
drink). |
(MICHAEL freezes Eddie with a glare and he subsides.)
MS: |
However, *something* will have to
be done about this situation. |
(All contemplate him in silence.)
MS: |
I cannot have this upstart, this
craggy-jawed, pectorally-enhanced male model, depriving
me of my rightful position. What I need now is
information. What does he like, what does he do, where
does he go?(MICHAEL sighs deeply.)
Will nobody rid me of this turbulent driver?
|
(There is silence as we fade to black. The theme music
cuts in dramatically.)
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
| prev |
next |
author |
home |
e-mail |