Last modified: 10th March, 2006
Here are some of the daft things that my friends at college have said. Don't assume that I don't say stupid things, too - it's just that nobody writes them down. James Gregory will argue to the contrary, but many of his quotes are as a result of a certain degree of intoxication.
It is often thought that Cambridge is a great seat of learning; after reading this, you may be of a different opinion...
"I'm not in the mood to discuss football right now."
Dave Williams on Sunderland's defeat by Manchester Utd in the FA Cup
"I'm very unthinkable."
James Gregory, 02/02/1996
"I'll take you to bed, James."
Joe Wade hoping to exploit James Gregory's intoxication, 28/02/1996
"I remember 47 by the fact that I remember 11: I'm a mathematician."
James Gregory, 28/02/1996
"I'm as sober as you want me to be."
James Gregory whilst somewhat inebriated on 28/02/1996
"Beatings, Gren."
James Gregory to Ben Vogel, 07/03/1996
"Can I just make a point? I'm never drunk."
James Gregory, 12/03/1996
"I can do it at that speed, just not so fast."
Dave Williams on Tetris, 14/03/1996
"What was James Bond's other Bond film?"
James Gregory, 14/03/1996
Dave Richerby: "James, you are without doubt the slowest person I know."
James Gregory, some time later: "Why do you think I'm slow?"
Dave Richerby: "Q.E.D."
24/04/1996
"Whenever I want to play tennis, my balls go everywhere. They can go upto 50m in each direction."
Iggy Sawicki, 27/04/1996
"Yes, but I was talking about the history which has already happened!"
James Gregory, 06/05/1996
"I've just been in the library and it was full of books!"
Ben Vogel, 06/05/1996
"Why are you God and I'm Bastard, Dave?"
James Gregory, 16/05/1996
"I think I'm an integral."
James Gregory, 16/05/1996
"I not only feel I'm wonderful, I am wonderful."
James Gregory, 16/05/1996
"I went to the dogs last night."
James Gregory, 19/05/1996
"Should I have a shower and put my pyjamas on? Is it going to be a long job?"
Sally Rudd, 22/05/1996
"I've got relatives!"
James Gregory, 22/05/1996
"From a distance, you look amazing... I merely meant that your prowess with the game of two balls..."
Iggy Sawicki to Ben Vogel on tennis (or so he claims), 30/05/1996
"Prince Charles is actually quite good-looking."
Sally Rudd, 02/06/1996
"From reading cartoons as a child, I used to think that all dogs were called Fetch."
Iggy Sawicki, 06/1996
Sally Rudd: "I'm not going to argue with you any more."
Dave Richerby: "Yes you are."
Sally Rudd: "No, I'm not... Aw, I hate talking to you!"
07/06/1996
"Only the other day it dawned on me that I was nineteen."
James Gregory, 06/1996
"I missed it completely."
James Gregory just after returning from the toilet, 08/06/1996
"Is there a correlation between being in country A, and having country A-ness?"
James Gregory generalises once more than is good for him, 10/06/1996
"Whoops! I got too excited and threw my spoon!"
Iggy Sawicki, 12/06/1996
"Shall I punt?"
James Gregory, at the business end of a punt and with a long stick in his hand... 14/06/1996
"It's a strange contraption."
James Gregory, referring to the toilet, 06/10/1996
"Go on, then, I'll give you one."
James Gregory accedes to Joe Wade's demands, 10/10/1996
"When it comes out, I don't know which one to screw to get it back in."
James Gregory, 15/10/1996
"I came in fits and starts."
Joe Wade 11/1996
James Gregory: "Dave?"
Dave Richerby: "Yep."
James Gregory: "What's your name?"
17/11/1996
"It came out in lectures the other day."
James Gregory, 21/11/1996
"I've never bought any red wine in my knife."
Joe Wade, 21/11/1996
"I've got to hand my fluids in on Wednesday."
James Gregory in a network talk session to Joe Wade, 28/11/1996
"What is a carpet bomb?"
James Gregory, 14/01/1997
"Why did you call the speaking clock?"
Ben Vogel, 15/01/1997
"What Dave does with his right hand, you should be able to do with your left."
James Gregory to Joe Wade, 01/03/1997
"God! You haven't checked your E-mail for ages, have you?"
Christina Goldschmidt's fervent prayer, 22/01/1997
"Where abouts in New Zealand? Auckland? Wellingborough? Dunedin?"
Joe Wade succumbs to James' incessant mentioning of his home town, 27/01/1997
Joe Wade: "What did you get, then?"
Dave Richerby: "Amazing confusion due to thrusting all over the place."
27/01/1997
"What's the difference between a toothbrush and a CD?"
Joe Wade, 02/1997
"What? Was somebody going to bomb the United States?"
James Gregory interjects into a discussion on the Cuban Missile Crisis, 07/02/1997
"It'll stop working if you play with it too much."
Mike Chipchase, 07/02/1997
"Would you like change?"
American shop assistant in off-license to Ben Vogel upon his paying for £2.76 of lager with a £10 note, 13/03/1997
James Gregory: "They're female - of course they like the goats!"
Ben Vogel: "I don't see how that follows."
James Gregory: "Animal attraction."
14/03/1997
"16p! Fworr - I could be quite expensive here!"
James Gregory, 23/04/1997
James Gregory: "Is there a book with word derivations in it?"
Omnes: "It's called a dictionary, fool!"
24/04/1997
"Let's see me come behind the bush."
James Gregory, 30/04/1997
"I don't like the goats. I'm female."
James Gregory, 30/04/1997 (see above)
"And finally, if you are a criminal, please turn yourself in."
Neighbourhood Watch leaflet, arrived through my letterbox on 07/05/1997
"... if you want to test its 99p-ness..."
Dave Richerby, 13/05/1997
"Three... Seven... Oh God, I'm a lesbian!"
Dave Richerby, 13/05/1997
"A four letter bird? Sparrow!"
James Gregory, crossword genius, 13/05/1997
"I'm often a wanker!"
Joe Wade, 22/05/1997
"Ha ha ha ha! I've got eyelids!"
Mike Chipchase, 06/1997
"If James gets to grope my hot dog can I grope him?"
Mike Chipchase, 06/1997
"I don't want your pillow, I just want your sausage."
James Bland, 06/1997
"Ooh, that's a bit spicy!"
Ben Vogel in a curry house, 11/06/1997
"I can't believe I just put my jeans on my legs!"
James Gregory, 11/06/1997
James Gregory: "How do people get drunk?"
Joe Wade: "They drink lots of alcohol."
12/06/1997
Joe Wade: "Argh! I've just put my arm in [the river Cam]!"
James Gregory: "Why?"
Joe Wade: "I forgot it was there."
Punting, 12/06/1997
"I can spend hours on a good chicken!"
Joe Wade, 28/10/1997
"It's a bit early for all that, isn't it?"
Joe Wade on seeing somebody dressed for Hallowe'en on the evening of 31/10/1997
James Gregory (on phone, Pulp Fiction theme audible in the background): Are you coming to watch Pulp Fiction?
Dave Richerby: OK.
James: It's started.
Dave: I'm on my way.
James: You're missing it.
Dave: That's why I'm trying to put the phone down!
02/11/1997
"If I keep eating like this all my life, I'm going to die!"
Christina Goldschmidt, 03/03/1998
"It must have been a wrong number -- I was phoning myself."
Dave Page, 23/03/1998
"Don't fall out of bed or you'll end up in the cheese."
Christina Goldschmidt's advice for small children everywhere, 03/1998
"Squeek if you ever become short."
Dave Richerby to James Gregory, 28/04/1998
James Gregory: "Why isn't [Wellingborough] the centre of the universe?"
Andy Pearce: "Well, everything's shooting away from it..."
05/06/1998
Geoff Meakin: "I wanna give you the best thing you've ever seen!"
James Gregory: "No, no! Not in Burger King!"
05/06/1998
"Apply to clean, dry hands only. Do not rinse. Do not use towels."
Burger King soap dispenser, seen 05/06/1998
"For all your blockages and sanitary plumbing."
Archer's Plumbers van, seen 09/06/1998
Christina Goldschmidt: "I've spent most of today asleep."
James Gregory: "Doing what?"
21/06/1998
"The Internet cannot be stored in the Recycle Bin."
Windows 95
Dave Richerby: "Do you have a clean knife?"
Christina Goldschmidt: "The one by the lemon curd is moderately clean if you give it a wash."
23/10/1998
"Circular hug for the warming of Dave. Now put some clothes on."
Tim Deegan, 30/03/1999
Brian Cowe: "I also sent you a fax -- will you please ignore it?"
Telephone operator: "Yes, certainly. We'll be doing that anyway."
13/04/1999
"Do you fancy Shoaib Akhtar as much as I fancy Graeme Hick?"
Rich Samworth, 12/05/2000
"Classics turns me on!"
Juliet Eden, 12/05/2000
"Sales -- Hire -- Erection Service"
Seen on the side of a truck, 05/2000
"This wine has really cleared out my nasal passages."
Geoff Meakin, 01/06/2000
"My problem is, I talk."
Andy Pearce, 02/10/2000
"The CUSU Pregnancy Support Group is expanding"
Poster seen 21/11/2000
"That's not half as big as the one Matthew Stevens had out the other day!"
Christina Goldschmidt, 27/11/2000
"He's seducing them with his bouncing balls."
Anuj Dawar, 30/11/2000
"I can't get the disposable love chicken out of my mind!"
Ben Mansell, 29/05/2001
"I'm linguistically in debt, in-depth, er, inept."
Simon Moore, 12/10/2001
"The only thing I remember during the night is that she said, `I bet
you can't do that with four at once.' So then I put the little
plastic things on and..."
Rob Hague, 23/11/2001
"Yes, you can swish my dipstick."
Stephen Early, 23/11/2001
"Kasparov believes that women are fundamentally incapable of playing
chess as well as me."
Typo in an E-mail I sent on 19/10/2002
Dave Richerby: "This is an agreement to disagree, yes?"
Jennifer Clark: "No, it's an agreement that you're wrong."
16/12/2002
Dave Richerby: "Doesn't inflation suck?"
Anna Rendall: "How can inflation suck?"
23/01/2003
"No embracing trips to the doctor or pharmacy."
Spam, telling me how much easier it is to buy Viagra on-line, 03/03/2003
"It looks impressive when I wave it around in the sunlight."
Tim Deegan, 20/06/2003
"I was fucked by Virgin Trains."
Tim Deegan, 08/10/2003
"I think I go for bum more often than is perhaps warranted."
Eben Upton, 24/10/2003
"Done - Infinite Analysis"
Fritz 8, 18/11/2003
David Richerby: "If you're feeling Karpov..."
Mick Compton: "Then he'll give you a big slap?"
01/12/2003
"... a cross between 2001 and Big Brother where the
AI votes people off the spaceship..."
Tim Deegan on how to deal with the potential problems of
astronauts having sex on the way to Mars, May 2004.
"I have been diagnosed with cancer. It has defiled all forms of
medical treatment."
A 419 spam I received on 06/05/2004
`shoaib akhtar "sex"'
A Google search term somebody used to access this page. In case
you're wondering, it's the 119th link. 09/11/2004
"I've found an interesting anagram of `Banach Tarski': `Banach Tarski
Banach Tarski'."
Daniel Hulme, 10/03/2006