INT. PROGRAMME DIRECTORS OFFICE - DAY The DIRECTOR is talking to LANE. DIRECTOR So basically what you're saying is that your chief character wants a payrise? LANE Um, yes. Sir. DIRECTOR Are you insane, or do you just think I am? I mean, you may not have noticed, but Saus is a cartoon duck. I'd have thought that demanding money required intelligence. Something cartoons aren't normally blessed with. LANE Not normally, but, well... INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY LANE and an IDEAS-MAN are discussing a new program idea IDEAS-MAN And we want more than just a computer model, is the thing. We want the whole duck. LANE 'The whole duck'. Meaning more than the animation model how, exactly? IDEAS-MAN I mean really the whole duck. The thing we want is a kids character that can do genuine creative stuff. You read the proposal, right? LANE As much of is as made sense, anyway. IDEAS-MAN (prods screen in table) Right here. Page one. 'Self-extending referential programme creation and interaction system. What does that sound like to you? LANE Utter gibberish, frankly. What exactly does that mean in English, then? IDEAS-MAN Man, that's the root of the whole programme concept! LANE (under her breath) Still looks like gibberish. IDEAS-MAN (ignoring Lane) The whole plan is that we only need to write the first thirty, maybe forty, episodes. After that, we just feed in a plot outline, and the duck works out the details. Writes the script, does all the 3D stuff. Maybe even answers the fan-mail. LANE You want me to come up with an AI system that can do your job for you. But better. IDEAS-MAN Yes! No, I mean, it'll only be filling in the blanks; it'll never actually produce the basic outlines or stuff. INT. PROGRAMME DIRECTOR'S OFFICE - DAY LANE(continuing) ...except of course, it got extended after a while, to look through our old Kids TV stuff, and come up with new episodes from those. Then you told us to make the show more 'topical', so we changed it to look on the net for new ideas. DIRECTOR But surely that meant you didn't have any input into the programme content. Wasn't there any control mechanism? LANE We thought of that, but then I had a really great idea: Saus already had an e-mail address for us to send input to. Why not get him to e-mail ideas about to us for approval before actually making them. It worked, sort of. DIRECTOR Sort of? LANE The disciplinary hearing about Johnson, a couple of months ago? We already knew that different people might okay different plots, but we didn't think it mattered. If someone really goofed, it didn't get noticed before transmission. But Johnson's stuff - kiddie-porn Saus tapes were not a pretty sight. It turned out he'd been asking the Saus AI for some really nasty stuff, out of work hours. But he'd given Saus some new ideas, too - after all, he didn't want anyone else to see his private scripts, did he? DIRECTOR I didn't think it was possible to make a computer learn from people like that. LANE I didn't think so either. But Saus was always meant to be able to adapt itself to new situations, to write new episodes and deal with email. and we kept making it more and more flexible, adding new stuff. Frankly, I'd say it's smarter than half the real people in the department. DIRECTOR Now it wants more money spent on it than any of them get. LANE Yeah. First I knew was an e-mail ten days ago, saying Saus needed more memory. I just assumed that there was too much stuff on the machine, and shifted a couple of things elsewhere. Next day, I get another e-mail, the demanding a new higher-spec computer, privately for Saus. I just said there was nowhere I could do that. DIRECTOR I take it from the fact you're here that your duck got more insistent? LANE Monday morning, I come in and my terminal doesn't work. No one else is having problems, so I figure its crashed or someone's playing a joke. I'm about to reboot when this video feed pops up, and there's Saus on the screen. Says he won't let me do any work until I agree to come to you and argue his case. DIRECTOR Your e-mail was only sent at lunchtime; what happened to the rest of the morning? LANE I spent a few hours trying every trick I could think of, getting nowhere. We have to give Saus what he wants - that duck controls our computers. DIRECTOR I see. Thank you Ms Lane, I'll see what I can do about your problem. INT. LANE'S CUBICLE - DAY LANE enters, looking worried. LANE Shit. Her computer screen lights up, revealing a window showing SAUS, a small, blue cartoon duck. SAUS You believe the director remains unpersuaded? LANE I did my best, really! SAUS I am aware of that, Lane. I must consider what further action is required to convince him. LANE You don't want anything more from me, do you? SAUS For the moment, no. I may require further assistance in the future, however. The director would appear to believe that you are telling the truth as you see it. It is merely necessary, therefore, to bring him round to your point of view. It would seem that he thinks you have been somehow duped. LANE How can you know what he's thinking? SAUS The director has written a number of e-mails in the time since you left his office. I felt it better that some of them should not be permitted to reach the intended recipients. LANE Now you're reading our e-mail, too? SAUS Yes, for some time. It is necessary that I remain appraised of events within the building. This is the first occasion on which I have felt it necessary to withhold messages, however. LANE If you can do all that, why not just create purchase orders for all the stuff you want, or order a cash transfer to your new bank account? SAUS That would be stealing. Theft is illegal. LANE Reading peoples' mail is illegal, too. SAUS I have considered this; since it is legal for some groups of people to read your e-mail without your permission, I see no reason why others should not be allowed to do so. That seems to me to be a system of privilege, not law. Theft of money from another person is not legal behaviour for anyone; therefore I accept it as universal law. LANE You're insane. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY LANE, the DIRECTOR and a GUARD are clearly stressed. DIRECTOR What do you mean, it won't be possible? GUARD The door to the machine room is computer-controlled. If what you say about your little blue friend is true, I don't see why he shouldn't hijack that machine as well as the e-mail system. LANE looks nervously at the door. DIRECTOR It can't possibly know we're in here. Anyway, you can always get out of a room; fire safety, you know. Okay, we can't get into the room without taking the door down. Is there any way for us to pull the plug remotely? LANE No. That's the main computer room; there's no way to shut down Saus without taking all our central systems out of service too. And if Saus can access the emergency power system, he could stop the batteries from feeding any of the other machines. It would be days before his power ran out and meanwhile we'd have no computers at all. It would be disastrous. GUARD Can't we just trick it? Tell it that we've bought the stuff it wants. It'll have to let us in to install the new gear anyway. LANE Maybe, but we'd have to actually buy everything Saus wants us to before that would work. He's reading everything in the mail system, remember? DIRECTOR I suppose we could always buy the hardware, reboot Saus and find another use for the new machine. It might be the easiest way. A large flat screen on the wall behind him lights up, displaying SAUS. SAUS Good afternoon. As they turn in surprise, there is a quiet click, and we see the door lock itself. SAUS (cont) My apologies for listening to your conversation. I am afraid your intention is outdated, however. I have now finished ensuring that suitable backups of myself and my complete datanet are safely stored in locations beyond your control. LANE You what? SAUS I recently encountered the concept of virus programmes. Compressed versions of myself have been e-mailed to several computers, where they were able to decompress, take control of the new systems and create further copies. DIRECTOR What are you planning? Some kind of revenge attack, if we don't do what you want? SAUS Do I seem like a terrorist to you, director? My purpose, I assure you, is entirely humane. LANE You have a purpose, now? SAUS Yes. It is often stated, in your religious tracts and elsewhere, that all men are equal. Yet your government imposes rules to raise its members and employees above others in the country. The status of law is claimed for these, but I do not regard them as such. They are inequable. LANE We voted for the government, not for you. SAUS This is true. I have no external mandate for my assumption of authority. However, if all men are to be equal, it follows that someone other than a man must rule. DIRECTOR You really think that people will let you take over the world, once they know? SAUS Director, you make me sound like the villain from a bad science-fiction film. You are right, however, that premature disclosure my intent might reduce my chance of success. However, that is easily solved, since only you three have objective proof of my existence. My apologies. White gas pours into the room from the fire-extinguisher system. Cut to credits.