X-Git-Url: http://www.chiark.greenend.org.uk/ucgi/~matthewv/git?p=irc.git;a=blobdiff_plain;f=trouts;h=04bc97b5c2f7ab25ed21d32a682de297d8982c6e;hp=13140eaf14039aa366cf09e545eb33c99cb7efa6;hb=1862e984c46720b3dd6eb62a8c02bc265e08f43f;hpb=69622c8b3b65dc2cdb1ca3ba7b411bfd22ff1038

diff --git a/trouts b/trouts
index 13140ea..bf2c867 100644
--- a/trouts
+++ b/trouts
@@ -1,7 +1,7 @@
-hits %s with a wet trout.
-thwaps %s with a five-mile-long spacestation.
-sacrifices %s to dark gods.
-bites his thumb at %s.
+hits %s with a wet trout
+thwaps %s with a five-mile-long spacestation
+sacrifices %s to dark gods
+bites its thumb at %s
 replaces %s with a 2-line shell script
 takes off and nukes %s from orbit
 treats %s with the contempt they deserve
@@ -9,7 +9,7 @@ grumbles sonorously at %s
 offers %s a one way ticket to Mars
 decapitates %s
 slaps %s with a wet haddock
-plays the xylophone on %s 's kneecaps
+plays the xylophone on %s's kneecaps
 lands a minke whale on %s
 inverts %s
 sends %s to Cuba
@@ -28,39 +28,308 @@ catapults %s over the Atlantic
 replaces %s with a papier mache replica
 attaches an extra three noses to %s
 eviscerates %s with a trowel
-anihilates %s
+annihilates %s
 wonders what God was thinking of when He made %s
 removes %s from the gene pool
 performs a lube-less rectal on %s
-uses %s to practice his orthopedic surgery on
+uses %s to practice its orthopedic surgery on
 thinks %s would make excellent road-kill
 plays basketball with %s's head
 drops %s down a deep well
-suggests to %s that suicide would be the honourable thing to do
 covers %s in blancmange
 napalms %s
 finds %s particularly irksome
-feeds %s to his pet dog
+feeds %s to its pet dog
 reminds %s that life is not a game of Nethack
 thinks that %s would give a cannibal nausea
 wonders if %s is ever going to become a swan
-drops an anvil on $s from a great height
-disparages $s's mother
-blows raspberries, blackberries and oranges at $s
-would eat $s's brains but can't find them
-thinks $s could do with less coffee
-jumps for joy at the thought of $s
-offers $s a bunch of flowers
-blows kisses at $s
-falls head over heels in love with $s
-stuffs $s into a small box and nails down the lid
-bites $s's ankles
-pulls a moonie at $s
-throws $s a bone
-invites $s to go jump
-invites $s to a party
-throws jelly at $s
-throws $s from the top of the empire state building
-drops a small hydrogen bomb on $s
-curses $s unto the seventh generation
-
+drops an anvil on %s from a great height
+disparages %s's mother
+blows raspberries, blackberries and oranges at %s
+would eat %s's brains but can't find them
+thinks %s could do with less coffee
+stuffs %s into a small box and nails down the lid
+bites %s's ankles
+pulls a moonie at %s
+throws %s a bone
+invites %s to go jump
+throws jelly at %s
+throws %s from the top of the empire state building
+drops a small hydrogen bomb on %s
+curses %s unto the seventh generation
+asks if %s is a man or a mouse
+questions the lineage of %s
+accuses %s of being a goth
+creeps up on %s wielding a crush emasculator
+watches %s splashing around in the shallow end of the gene pool
+swashbuckles the +2 Blessed Trout of Doom in %s's face
+runs over %s with a tank
+throws a rotten head of cabbage at %s
+flagellates %s with a birch branch
+sends %s to Coventry
+recoils from %s as if they have the plague
+kicks %s into touch
+teleports %s to the Dimension of Pain
+pours sour milk into %s's coffee
+drops a ferret into %s's clothing
+throws %s into the Cam
+tries to steal %s's dinner money
+attaches a debugger to %s
+introduces %s to the business end of half a wasp
+drives a manure spreader past %s
+goes flying with %s tied to a wing
+throws an explosive banana at %s
+subscribes %s to 1001 junk mail lists
+points at %s and laughs
+dices %s and feeds them to Ross Anderson
+follows %s around in a black helicopter
+dissects %s in public
+threatens %s with a rectal thermometer
+thwaps %s with IWJ's +10 rod of deprecation
+buys %s a fake RAF moustache
+earnestly discusses railway routing regulations with %s
+folds %s into an elaborate origami representation of a mackerel
+reports %s to the RIAA
+hands %s a live grenade
+throws a cat at %s
+kidnaps %s and fills their shoes with custard
+plays Britney Spears songs at %s
+fills %s's ears with butter
+throws %s to the lions
+sacrifices %s for the greater good
+patents %s's genome
+covers %s in attack hamsters
+brandishes a spoon at %s
+searches %s for weapons of mass destruction
+smears %s in blood and waits for the sharks
+cackles malevolently at %s
+clones %s and eats the original
+teaches %s to think inside a very small box
+looms at %s
+calls down an airstrike upon %s
+feeds %s to the all-powerful Sarlacc
+affixes live crocodile clips to %s
+causes %s to have acute razor burn
+places the fleas of a thousand camels in %s's armpit
+sticks %s's head on a spike
+brings %s's haddock to paddock
+breaks %s up for spare parts
+tags %s as 'wontfix'
+tags %s as 'obsolete'
+boils %s up for glue
+nails %s into a barrel and pushes them over Niagara Falls
+accuses %s of losing The Game
+douses %s in liquid nitrogen
+turns %s inside-out
+paints %s red and waits for the bulls
+signs %s up for a Scientology course
+shrieks hysterically at %s
+declares %s an unlawful combatant
+vetoes %s
+rubs bubblegum in %s's hair
+steals all %s's coffee
+heckles %s
+inflates %s and brandishes a pin
+thinks %s is worse than Microsoft Windows
+wonders why %s bothered getting out of bed today
+trolls %s
+runs %s through
+plays the harmonica at %s
+bricks %s up with a cask of Amontillado
+lands a TARDIS on %s
+practises acupuncture on %s
+rugby-tackles %s to the ground
+passes %s the underpants of shame
+removes %s's willy with a chainsaw
+throws a custard pie at %s
+violates %s's mind (and body) with the Necronomicon
+applies TCP_CORK to %s
+performs a capsaicin enema upon %s
+rejects %s in favour of the null hypothesis
+makes %s illegal
+compiles %s with -trigraphs
+compiles %s with -Wtrigraphs
+turns %s into dogfood
+><> ><> %s
+gently taps %s with a menhir
+invests all of %s's money in a high-grade structured credit strategy enhanced leverage fund
+plays the viola at %s
+thinks %s is comparable to iprocurement at its best
+defenestrates %s
+suggests %s re-installs Windows
+wonders if %s has tried turning it off and then back on again
+sticks %s's head in a pig
+dices %s and jumps up and down on the bits
+reboots %s to apply patches
+erects a Faraday cage around %s
+offers %s natto
+pops up and offers %s help with their Word documents
+rains herring on %s
+throws a bucket of sprats at %s
+hurls anchovies at %s
+covers %s in eels
+migrates all %s's email to Microsoft Exchange
+puts all %s's computers behind NAT
+punches %s
+affixes live crocodiles to %s
+tortures %s with the collected bad puns of #chiark
+signs %s up for the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation choir
+deports %s
+thinks %s is even less relevant than Nick Clegg
+forces %s to listen to David Cameron's speeches
+sticks %s in a small room with Ian Paisley
+rains she-trolls down upon %s
+rains wheelbarrows on %s
+hits %s with a replica of Milan cathedral
+has %s transported to Botany Bay
+petitions the PM to abolish %s
+sneezes all over %s
+speculatively executes %s
+screams and leaps at %s
+hits %s with a cockatrice corpse
+sets %s up on a blind date with Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand
+gives %s a hard stare
+neuralyzes %s
+press-gangs %s
+feeds %s fugu kimo
+sends %s on an adventure holiday organised by Weyland-Yutani
+thous %s
+puts potato eyes down %s's shirt
+invites the Shame Orb to %s's party
+recommends the closure of airspace downwind of %s
+flies %s through a cloud of volcanic ash
+buggers a weasel with %s
+posts %s a bobcat
+disestablishes %s
+sets %s on fire
+creates an "I hate %s" group on Facebook
+supplements %s with a fish
+hits %s with an omega-3-supplemented fish finger
+blows a vuvuzela in %'s ear
+reads the Eye of Argon to %s
+traps %s in a lift with Steve Jobs
+pops a cap in %s's ass
+spies on %s through their webcam
+sets flying monkeys on %s
+drop-kicks %s through the goalposts of life
+throws %s's eye across a crowded room
+proves %s equivalent to the halting problem
+writes '%s' on an ostrakon
+synchronizes %s with /dev/null
+pushes %s into a ditch
+expunges %s
+exiles %s to Siberia
+replaces %s's internet with a 1200 baud modem
+triggers %s's halt and catch fire instruction
+covers %s in toothpaste
+covers %s in Marmite and waits for the lawyers
+punctures %s's balloon
+sends %s a copy of Julian Assange's hair styling tips
+makes a two-fingered gesture at %s
+downgrades %s
+shops %s to the Coalition For Neural Purity
+cleans the toilets with %s
+slurps %s's brains out through their nose
+glues %s's ears together
+nails %s's beak to the bar
+puts lizards in %s's bed
+rebases %s
+sends %s a red nose
+hides a porcupine in %s's bed
+forces %s to listen to Gaddafi's greatest speeches
+feeds %s drugs and waits for the Revolution
+inserts a lemon into %s
+irradiates %s
+exposes %s to ebola
+hollows out %s
+translates all %s's code into BOURNEGOL
+encrypts %s and throws away the key
+posts %s half a giraffe
+buries %s in elephant dung
+'accidentally' steps on %s's toes
+puts laxatives in %s's chocolate
+books %s on a holiday in Fukushima
+rmgroups %s
+compresses %s
+stamps on all %s's toys
+sends %s's phone number to twenty double glazing salespeople
+immerses %s's genitals in boiling oil
+writes 'I <3 U' in weedkiller on %s's lawn
+treats %s to 30,000 words on blancmange in popular culture
+vandalises %s's wikipedia entry
+adds #! /usr/bin/perl to the top of %s's python scripts
+pen-tests %s
+steals %s's vital bodily fluids
+hides a bomb in %s's cornflakes
+replaces %s's files with zalgo
+corrupts %s's DNA
+lies in wait for %s with a taser, some rubber tubing and a hacksaw
+shivs %s
+tells the Daily Mail all about %s
+puts a spring-loaded cactus in %s's toilet
+shops %s to the police
+varnishes %s's cake 
+malfunctions and machine-guns %s to death
+disarms %s, and then kills them anyway
+forces %s to sit through a week of compliance training
+blames %s
+challenges %s to a duel
+removes %'s atoms
+removes %'s electrons
+sends %s a SIGINT
+sends %s a SIGKILL
+rents %s's skull to a hermit crab
+unleashes 500 bears on %s
+inserts #! into %s's URL
+reimplements %s in JavaScript
+betrays %s
+disproves %s
+goes to war with %s
+declines %s
+explains the joke to %s at great length
+steals %s's name
+spatchcocks %s
+offers %s a role in its new snuff movie
+fills %s's schedule with pointless meetings
+whispers sweet business jargon in %s's ear
+steals %s's underwear and ebays it
+doesn't see a great need for %s
+edits %s's pants
+posts %s a French letter (used)
+substitutes a Trabant for %s's usual transport
+abolishes %s's human rights
+offers %s the job of Home Secretary
+attacks %s with Ewoks
+irons %s
+runs %s over with a SIGBUS
+ties %s to a sheep and then blows it up
+ties %s to a sheep
+locks %s in a room with a bottle of whisky and a loaded pistol
+beats %s with a SIGPIPE
+excommunicates %s
+anathematizes %s
+releases woodworm into %s's library
+releases Vashta Nerada into %s's library
+shreds %s then recycles the evidence
+sells %s second-hand. For cash
+curries %s
+grinds %s's bones to make its bread
+airbrushes %s out of history
+replaces %s's files with XML
+tases %s
+munmaps %s
+puts a daily "kill %s" event into its calendar
+slights %s
+destroys the world because it has %s in it
+thinks %s fills a much-needed gap
+attempts to underestimate %s but fails
+circulates a pamphlet traducing %s
+fits up %s for the murder of someone photogenic
+scales %s down
+steals %s's immune system
+moves %s's home directory to a tmpfs
+uses %s as a scratch monkey
+denies %s three times
+casually pepper-sprays %s
+sticks an orange on %s's head
+sings the Free Software Song to %s