hits %s with a wet trout thwaps %s with a five-mile-long spacestation sacrifices %s to dark gods bites its thumb at %s replaces %s with a 2-line shell script takes off and nukes %s from orbit treats %s with the contempt they deserve grumbles sonorously at %s offers %s a one way ticket to Mars decapitates %s slaps %s with a wet haddock plays the xylophone on %s's kneecaps lands a minke whale on %s inverts %s sends %s to Cuba searches frantically for %s's brain introduces %s to their antimatter twin opens a trapdoor under %s lands a 10 ton weight on %s pokes %s with a spoon hits %s with a squeaky hammer wonders if %s has a return-to-base warranty mutters darkly about %s thwaps %s unimaginatively staples %s to Gordon Brown's nose growls at %s catapults %s over the Atlantic replaces %s with a papier mache replica attaches an extra three noses to %s eviscerates %s with a trowel annihilates %s wonders what God was thinking of when He made %s removes %s from the gene pool performs a lube-less rectal on %s uses %s to practice its orthopedic surgery on thinks %s would make excellent road-kill plays basketball with %s's head drops %s down a deep well covers %s in blancmange napalms %s finds %s particularly irksome feeds %s to its pet dog reminds %s that life is not a game of Nethack thinks that %s would give a cannibal nausea wonders if %s is ever going to become a swan drops an anvil on %s from a great height disparages %s's mother blows raspberries, blackberries and oranges at %s would eat %s's brains but can't find them thinks %s could do with less coffee stuffs %s into a small box and nails down the lid bites %s's ankles pulls a moonie at %s throws %s a bone invites %s to go jump throws jelly at %s throws %s from the top of the empire state building drops a small hydrogen bomb on %s curses %s unto the seventh generation asks if %s is a man or a mouse questions the lineage of %s accuses %s of being a goth creeps up on %s wielding a crush emasculator watches %s splashing around in the shallow end of the gene pool swashbuckles the +2 Blessed Trout of Doom in %s's face runs over %s with a tank throws a rotten head of cabbage at %s flagellates %s with a birch branch sends %s to Coventry recoils from %s as if they have the plague kicks %s into touch teleports %s to the Dimension of Pain pours sour milk into %s's coffee drops a ferret into %s's clothing throws %s into the Cam tries to steal %s's dinner money attaches a debugger to %s introduces %s to the business end of half a wasp drives a manure spreader past %s goes flying with %s tied to a wing throws an explosive banana at %s subscribes %s to 1001 junk mail lists points at %s and laughs dices %s and feeds them to Ross Anderson follows %s around in a black helicopter dissects %s in public threatens %s with a rectal thermometer thwaps %s with IWJ's +10 rod of deprecation buys %s a fake RAF moustache earnestly discusses railway routing regulations with %s folds %s into an elaborate origami representation of a mackerel reports %s to the RIAA hands %s a live grenade throws a cat at %s kidnaps %s and fills their shoes with custard plays Britney Spears songs at %s fills %s's ears with butter throws %s to the lions sacrifices %s for the greater good patents %s's genome covers %s in attack hamsters brandishes a spoon at %s searches %s for weapons of mass destruction smears %s in blood and waits for the sharks cackles malevolently at %s clones %s and eats the original teaches %s to think inside a very small box looms at %s calls down an airstrike upon %s feeds %s to the all-powerful Sarlacc affixes live crocodile clips to %s causes %s to have acute razor burn places the fleas of a thousand camels in %s's armpit sticks %s's head on a spike brings %s's haddock to paddock breaks %s up for spare parts tags %s as 'wontfix' tags %s as 'obsolete' boils %s up for glue nails %s into a barrel and pushes them over Niagara Falls accuses %s of losing The Game douses %s in liquid nitrogen turns %s inside-out paints %s red and waits for the bulls signs %s up for a Scientology course shrieks hysterically at %s declares %s an unlawful combatant vetoes %s rubs bubblegum in %s's hair steals all %s's coffee heckles %s inflates %s and brandishes a pin thinks %s is worse than Microsoft Windows wonders why %s bothered getting out of bed today trolls %s runs %s through plays the harmonica at %s bricks %s up with a cask of Amontillado lands a TARDIS on %s practises acupuncture on %s rugby-tackles %s to the ground passes %s the underpants of shame removes %s's willy with a chainsaw throws a custard pie at %s violates %s's mind (and body) with the Necronomicon applies TCP_CORK to %s performs a capsaicin enema upon %s rejects %s in favour of the null hypothesis makes %s illegal compiles %s with -trigraphs compiles %s with -Wtrigraphs turns %s into dogfood ><> ><> %s gently taps %s with a menhir invests all of %s's money in a high-grade structured credit strategy enhanced leverage fund plays the viola at %s thinks %s is comparable to iprocurement at its best defenestrates %s suggests %s re-installs Windows wonders if %s has tried turning it off and then back on again sticks %s's head in a pig dices %s and jumps up and down on the bits reboots %s to apply patches erects a Faraday cage around %s offers %s natto pops up and offers %s help with their Word documents rains herring on %s throws a bucket of sprats at %s hurls anchovies at %s covers %s in eels migrates all %s's email to Microsoft Exchange puts all %s's computers behind NAT punches %s affixes live crocodiles to %s tortures %s with the collected bad puns of #chiark signs %s up for the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation choir deports %s thinks %s is even less relevant than Nick Clegg forces %s to listen to David Cameron's speeches sticks %s in a small room with Ian Paisley rains she-trolls down upon %s rains wheelbarrows on %s hits %s with a replica of Milan cathedral has %s transported to Botany Bay petitions the PM to abolish %s sneezes all over %s speculatively executes %s screams and leaps at %s hits %s with a cockatrice corpse sets %s up on a blind date with Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand gives %s a hard stare neuralyzes %s press-gangs %s feeds %s fugu kimo sends %s on an adventure holiday organised by Weyland-Yutani thous %s puts potato eyes down %s's shirt invites the Shame Orb to %s's party recommends the closure of airspace downwind of %s flies %s through a cloud of volcanic ash buggers a weasel with %s posts %s a bobcat disestablishes %s sets %s on fire creates an "I hate %s" group on Facebook supplements %s with a fish hits %s with an omega-3-supplemented fish finger blows a vuvuzela in %'s ear reads the Eye of Argon to %s traps %s in a lift with Steve Jobs pops a cap in %s's ass spies on %s through their webcam sets flying monkeys on %s drop-kicks %s through the goalposts of life throws %s's eye across a crowded room proves %s equivalent to the halting problem writes '%s' on an ostrakon synchronizes %s with /dev/null pushes %s into a ditch expunges %s exiles %s to Siberia replaces %s's internet with a 1200 baud modem triggers %s's halt and catch fire instruction covers %s in toothpaste covers %s in Marmite and waits for the lawyers punctures %s's balloon sends %s a copy of Julian Assange's hair styling tips makes a two-fingered gesture at %s downgrades %s shops %s to the Coalition For Neural Purity cleans the toilets with %s slurps %s's brains out through their nose glues %s's ears together nails %s's beak to the bar puts lizards in %s's bed rebases %s sends %s a red nose hides a porcupine in %s's bed forces %s to listen to Gaddafi's greatest speeches feeds %s drugs and waits for the Revolution inserts a lemon into %s irradiates %s exposes %s to ebola hollows out %s translates all %s's code into BOURNEGOL encrypts %s and throws away the key posts %s half a giraffe buries %s in elephant dung 'accidentally' steps on %s's toes puts laxatives in %s's chocolate books %s on a holiday in Fukushima