hits %s with a wet trout thwaps %s with a five-mile-long spacestation sacrifices %s to dark gods bites its thumb at %s replaces %s with a 2-line shell script takes off and nukes %s from orbit treats %s with the contempt they deserve grumbles sonorously at %s offers %s a one way ticket to Mars decapitates %s slaps %s with a wet haddock plays the xylophone on %s's kneecaps lands a minke whale on %s inverts %s sends %s to Cuba searches frantically for %s's brain introduces %s to their antimatter twin opens a trapdoor under %s lands a 10 ton weight on %s pokes %s with a spoon hits %s with a squeaky hammer wonders if %s has a return-to-base warranty mutters darkly about %s thwaps %s unimaginatively staples %s to Gordon Brown's nose growls at %s catapults %s over the Atlantic replaces %s with a papier mache replica attaches an extra three noses to %s eviscerates %s with a trowel annihilates %s wonders what God was thinking of when He made %s removes %s from the gene pool performs a lube-less rectal on %s uses %s to practice its orthopedic surgery on thinks %s would make excellent road-kill plays basketball with %s's head drops %s down a deep well covers %s in blancmange napalms %s finds %s particularly irksome feeds %s to its pet dog reminds %s that life is not a game of Nethack thinks that %s would give a cannibal nausea wonders if %s is ever going to become a swan drops an anvil on %s from a great height disparages %s's mother blows raspberries, blackberries and oranges at %s would eat %s's brains but can't find them thinks %s could do with less coffee stuffs %s into a small box and nails down the lid bites %s's ankles pulls a moonie at %s throws %s a bone invites %s to go jump throws jelly at %s throws %s from the top of the Empire State Building drops a small hydrogen bomb on %s curses %s unto the seventh generation asks if %s is a man or a mouse questions the lineage of %s accuses %s of being a goth creeps up on %s wielding a crush emasculator watches %s splashing around in the shallow end of the gene pool swashbuckles the +2 Blessed Trout of Doom in %s's face runs over %s with a tank throws a rotten head of cabbage at %s flagellates %s with a birch branch sends %s to Coventry recoils from %s as if they have the plague kicks %s into touch teleports %s to the Dimension of Pain pours sour milk into %s's coffee drops a ferret into %s's clothing throws %s into the Cam tries to steal %s's dinner money attaches a debugger to %s introduces %s to the business end of half a wasp drives a manure spreader past %s goes flying with %s tied to a wing throws an explosive banana at %s subscribes %s to 1001 junk mail lists points at %s and laughs dices %s and feeds them to Ross Anderson follows %s around in a black helicopter dissects %s in public threatens %s with a rectal thermometer thwaps %s with IWJ's +10 rod of deprecation buys %s a fake RAF moustache earnestly discusses railway routing regulations with %s folds %s into an elaborate origami representation of a mackerel reports %s to the RIAA hands %s a live grenade throws a cat at %s kidnaps %s and fills their shoes with custard plays Britney Spears songs at %s fills %s's ears with butter throws %s to the lions sacrifices %s for the greater good patents %s's genome covers %s in attack hamsters brandishes a spoon at %s searches %s for weapons of mass destruction smears %s in blood and waits for the sharks cackles malevolently at %s clones %s and eats the original teaches %s to think inside a very small box looms at %s calls down an airstrike upon %s feeds %s to the all-powerful Sarlacc affixes live crocodile clips to %s causes %s to have acute razor burn places the fleas of a thousand camels in %s's armpit sticks %s's head on a spike brings %s's haddock to paddock breaks %s up for spare parts tags %s as 'wontfix' tags %s as 'obsolete' boils %s up for glue nails %s into a barrel and pushes them over Niagara Falls accuses %s of losing The Game douses %s in liquid nitrogen turns %s inside-out paints %s red and waits for the bulls signs %s up for a Scientology course shrieks hysterically at %s declares %s an unlawful combatant vetoes %s rubs bubblegum in %s's hair steals all %s's coffee heckles %s inflates %s and brandishes a pin thinks %s is worse than Microsoft Windows wonders why %s bothered getting out of bed today trolls %s runs %s through plays the harmonica at %s bricks %s up with a cask of Amontillado lands a TARDIS on %s practises acupuncture on %s rugby-tackles %s to the ground passes %s the underpants of shame removes %s's willy with a chainsaw throws a custard pie at %s violates %s's mind (and body) with the Necronomicon applies TCP_CORK to %s performs a capsaicin enema upon %s rejects %s in favour of the null hypothesis makes %s illegal compiles %s with -trigraphs compiles %s with -Wtrigraphs turns %s into dogfood ><> ><> %s gently taps %s with a menhir invests all of %s's money in a high-grade structured credit strategy enhanced leverage fund plays the viola at %s thinks %s is comparable to iprocurement at its best defenestrates %s suggests %s re-installs Windows wonders if %s has tried turning it off and then back on again sticks %s's head in a pig dices %s and jumps up and down on the bits reboots %s to apply patches erects a Faraday cage around %s offers %s natto pops up and offers %s help with their Word documents rains herring on %s throws a bucket of sprats at %s hurls anchovies at %s covers %s in eels migrates all %s's email to Microsoft Exchange puts all %s's computers behind NAT punches %s affixes live crocodiles to %s tortures %s with the collected bad puns of #chiark signs %s up for the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation choir deports %s thinks %s is even less relevant than Nick Clegg forces %s to listen to David Cameron's speeches sticks %s in a small room with Ian Paisley rains she-trolls down upon %s rains wheelbarrows on %s hits %s with a replica of Milan cathedral has %s transported to Botany Bay petitions the PM to abolish %s sneezes all over %s speculatively executes %s screams and leaps at %s hits %s with a cockatrice corpse sets %s up on a blind date with Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand gives %s a hard stare neuralyzes %s press-gangs %s feeds %s fugu kimo sends %s on an adventure holiday organised by Weyland-Yutani thous %s puts potato eyes down %s's shirt invites the Shame Orb to %s's party recommends the closure of airspace downwind of %s flies %s through a cloud of volcanic ash buggers a weasel with %s posts %s a bobcat disestablishes %s sets %s on fire creates an "I hate %s" group on Facebook supplements %s with a fish hits %s with an omega-3-supplemented fish finger blows a vuvuzela in %'s ear reads the Eye of Argon to %s traps %s in a lift with Alan Sugar pops a cap in %s's ass spies on %s through their webcam sets flying monkeys on %s drop-kicks %s through the goalposts of life throws %s's eye across a crowded room proves %s equivalent to the halting problem writes '%s' on an ostrakon synchronizes %s with /dev/null pushes %s into a ditch expunges %s exiles %s to Siberia replaces %s's internet with a 1200 baud modem triggers %s's halt and catch fire instruction covers %s in toothpaste covers %s in Marmite and waits for the lawyers punctures %s's balloon sends %s a copy of Julian Assange's hair styling tips makes a two-fingered gesture at %s downgrades %s shops %s to the Coalition For Neural Purity cleans the toilets with %s slurps %s's brains out through their nose glues %s's ears together nails %s's beak to the bar puts lizards in %s's bed rebases %s sends %s a red nose hides a porcupine in %s's bed forces %s to listen to Gaddafi's greatest speeches feeds %s drugs and waits for the Revolution inserts a lemon into %s irradiates %s exposes %s to ebola hollows out %s translates all %s's code into BOURNEGOL encrypts %s and throws away the key posts %s half a giraffe buries %s in elephant dung 'accidentally' steps on %s's toes puts laxatives in %s's chocolate books %s on a holiday in Fukushima rmgroups %s compresses %s stamps on all %s's toys sends %s's phone number to twenty double glazing salespeople immerses %s's genitals in boiling oil writes 'I <3 U' in weedkiller on %s's lawn treats %s to 30,000 words on blancmange in popular culture vandalises %s's wikipedia entry adds #! /usr/bin/perl to the top of %s's python scripts pen-tests %s steals %s's vital bodily fluids hides a bomb in %s's cornflakes replaces %s's files with zalgo corrupts %s's DNA lies in wait for %s with a taser, some rubber tubing and a hacksaw shivs %s tells the Daily Mail all about %s puts a spring-loaded cactus in %s's toilet shops %s to the police varnishes %s's cake malfunctions and machine-guns %s to death disarms %s, and then kills them anyway forces %s to sit through a week of compliance training blames %s challenges %s to a duel removes %'s atoms removes %'s electrons sends %s a SIGINT sends %s a SIGKILL rents %s's skull to a hermit crab unleashes 500 bears on %s inserts #! into %s's URL reimplements %s in JavaScript betrays %s disproves %s goes to war with %s declines %s explains the joke to %s at great length steals %s's name spatchcocks %s offers %s a role in its new snuff movie fills %s's schedule with pointless meetings whispers sweet business jargon in %s's ear steals %s's underwear and ebays it doesn't see a great need for %s edits %s's pants posts %s a French letter (used) substitutes a Trabant for %s's usual transport abolishes %s's human rights offers %s the job of Home Secretary attacks %s with Ewoks irons %s runs %s over with a SIGBUS ties %s to a sheep and then blows it up ties %s to a sheep locks %s in a room with a bottle of whisky and a loaded pistol beats %s with a SIGPIPE excommunicates %s anathematizes %s releases woodworm into %s's library releases Vashta Nerada into %s's library shreds %s then recycles the evidence sells %s second-hand. For cash curries %s grinds %s's bones to make its bread airbrushes %s out of history replaces %s's files with XML tases %s munmaps %s puts a daily "kill %s" event into its calendar slights %s destroys the world because it has %s in it thinks %s fills a much-needed gap attempts to underestimate %s but fails circulates a pamphlet traducing %s fits up %s for the murder of someone photogenic scales %s down steals %s's immune system moves %s's home directory to a tmpfs uses %s as a scratch monkey denies %s three times casually pepper-sprays %s sticks an orange on %s's head sings the Free Software Song to %s immerses %s in Coca Cola presents %s with half a mouse blames %s for the latest trout arranges for %s to be devoured in the night by gerbils flattens %s bites %s nationalises %s renormalises %s accuses %s of witchcraft turns %s into a newt signs %s up for bulk fish delivery picks %s's low-hanging fruit installs Rick Santorum in %s's bedroom makes it known that the prime minister has "full confidence" in %s collides a large haddock with %s attacks %s with a banana scraps %s rackmounts %s assaults %s with Margaret Thatcher's handbag LARTs %s bustitutes %s downgrades %s's A-level results forces %s to walk the plank maroons %s on a desert island with only eight records and a useless luxury object for company creates a black hole and pushes %s beyond the event horizon shoves a giant picture of Jimmy Wales in %s's face pays The Who to follow %s around liquidizes %s's assets reduces %s to a soup-like homogenate asks Vladimir Putin to deal with %s thinks up Culture ship names based on %s's love life thinks up Culture ship names based on %s's investment strategy deconstructs %s attributes photos of Greek antiquities to %s and informs the Hellenic Ministry of Culture edits all %s's trouts to make them funny steals %s's shoes ties %s's shoelaces together compares %s to a winter's day forces %s to wear Princess Beatrice's hat sticks a deckchair up %s's nose places a PIX between %s and the rest of the world sends a person from Porlock to disturb %s sends an albatross to disturb %s ebays %s, but the reserve is not met cancels %s's show unleashes a swarm of hungry midges upon %s accuses %s of infringing its patents installs a lion on %s recites Vogon poetry to %s suggests that %s sodomise a stegosaurus immerses %s's internet connection in treacle claps %s in irons boxes %s's ears dyes %s pink performs a citizen's arrest upon %s declares %s the weakest link declares %s the missing link swives %s and bombs the consequences drops an F-bomb on %s confiscates %s's property and hands it over to SOCA sets blue meanies on %s clamps down on %s rot13s one of %s's files gives %s an opportunity to test their backups dumps a giant metal gorilla in %s's garden sticks %s in a centrifuge shuts %s's fingers in a door to see if it hurts paints %s purple scans %s and shreds the original nails %s's head to the floor produces an expensive Hollywood remake of %s puts the puritans in charge of %s's party leaves thumb tacks on %s's chair shakes %s's booty staples George Osborne to %s's nose reads poetry to %s, and then throws them out of an airlock waxes %s's bikini line sells %s to a patent troll autocorrects %s executes %s in the background makes juvenile jokes about %s's name glues Jaffa Cakes to %s's ears verbs some nouns just to annoy %s appoints Tony Blair "peace envoy" to %s resizes %s paints %s purple and waits for the goths plays the bagpipes at %s bricks %s up without a cask of Amontillado marries %s just so it can cheat on them lobs bricks at %s nuisance-calls %s inserts %s into a tin of shoe polish thinks %s's village is missing its idiot court-martials %s suggests %s stick a pair of underpants on their head and pencils up their nose demands the source code to %s places four beetles in $s's bed finds %s even less amusing than "your mum" jokes drags and drops %s sets the vermicious knids on %s bashes %s bites %s's neck puts jam in %s's printer delivers seven thousand octopuses to %s removes all the buttons from %s's mouse moderates %s declares %s off-topic throws a custard pie at %s fills %s's bath with ducks parks across %s's driveway replaces %s with a 1GB shell script waits until late Friday and then cancels %s's weekend perforates %s's umbrella flips %s the bird turns half of %s's USB sockets upside-down wishes %s's redshift were higher gives %s a CD of Richard Stallman's greatest hits gets %s to serve breakfast to Richard Stallman invites %s to go forth and multiply, but not in a nice way /ignores %s frustrates %s's knavish tricks confounds %s's politics indents %s disperses %s smashes %s's best china awards %s the wooden spoon pops up and insists %s accept its cookies glues %s to the ceiling refills all %s's pens with green ink puts %s into Room 101 attacks %s with a pointed stick covers %s in gold paint sets TV Licensing on %s appends the EICAR test file to all %s's emails thinks %s should seek asylum in Ecuador thinks %s should seek an asylum in Ecuador thinks %s is only good enough to play for Accrington Stanley decommissions %s brings %s the head of Alfredo Garcia sends the Go Compare man to sing at %s sets a band of Russian meerkats on %s sends %s orienteering with only Apple Maps as a navigation aid blacklists %s remixes %s into a Youtube sensation throws a shoe at %s feeds %s to the lampreys feeds a surfeit of lampreys to %s invites %s to consider the reply given in Arkell vs Pressdram helps %s revoke all their biometrics paints %s's buttocks blue classifies %s as spam trades in %s for a younger model wonders if there's a cash incentive for scrapping %s threatens to leave the country if %s wins the next election invades %s's personal space sticks %s in a cloud thinks %s wouldn't need to dress up for Hallowe'en places mines beneath %s's carpets demands to see %s's birth certificate detunes %s dips %s in engine oil and throws them to the robo-lesbians abandons %s in the Sahara with only Mark Thatcher for company accuses %s of piracy, murder, rape, sodomy and incest, but suppresses the more serious charges cuts and pastes %s plays the birdie song to %s for a couple of weeks mutes %s misgenders %s granulates %s removes %s from its Christmas card list bulldozes %s's house clobbers %s distributes poisson in %s's direction poisons %s requests that some friendly bombs fall on %s prunes %s sends all %s's packets via Royal Mail tortures %s then bills them for information retrieval quietly converts %s into a number thinks %s should take up Russian roulette removes from %s's computer all the interfaces that Apple now consider obsolete shrink-wraps %s sends %s to a shrink shaves %s volunteers %s for a position as gladiator at the Colosseum freezes %s in carbonite applies a tramp stamp to %s toasts %s proves to a UN inspector that %s is "beyond use" shortens all %s's URLs sends %s on a snipe hunt removes %s from its will puts banana in %s's shoe puts a scorpion in %s's shoe drives too fast then claims %s was driving threatens to make the sky fall on %s's head wonders how many ships %s's face would sink calls %s a melon-farmer puts a Tesco Value Burger in %s's bed considers %s right but repulsive kicks %s's ass reads the comments to %s undefines %s pixelates %s puts a tarantula in %s's bath invites the Blame Cube to %s's party dusts %s installs Windows Vista on %s's computer installs Windows ME on %s's computer taxes %s throws a triangular flapjack at %s burns %s's bridges hides %s's towel tells %s about Roko's Basilisk covers %s in bees sets a Mongol horde upon %s signs up %s for the next Christmas production in Ambridge gives %s a cookie thinks %s deserves a 21 trout salute pills %s sends %s a UKIP application form and some green ink berates %s for not paying road tax partitions %s proclaims "%s est omnis divisa in partes tres" applies a spudger to %s practices its McKayla Maroney impressions on %s declares %s to be the sort of nonsense up with which it will not put throws a fridge at %s buys a pair of glasses just so that it can glare at %s over the top of them strip-searches %s places a Pickelhaube on %s's chair presents %s with half a moose assaults %s with all of its trouts at once invites John Major to explain the Maastricht Treaty to %s pokes %s with a bayonet trains %s with an eel drinks %s's milkshake prints 32767 copies of the Windows Printer Test Page just for %s measures %s up for a casket appoints %s drummer for Spinal Tap will proclaim %s's faults inserts a cuddly trout into %s's pizza whacks %s over the head with a ukulele delivers 28,000 tonnes of coal to %s buys %s a Windows phone politely suggests %s look at the documentation bends all %s's spoons gets Jony Ive to redecorate %s's house shuts down all "inessential" government activities and blames it on %s refuses to raise %s's debt ceiling gives %s a reminder to call the vet stores %s in a cool dark place, away from strong odours compares %s to the null trout folds %s into an elaborate origami representation of nothing discovers that %s cannot be repaired using common workshop tools decides that %s's genitalia would not be much use as a trout cleans %s's clock asks %s to quit their jibber-jabber sets %s's sticky bit eats %s drives round in a van telling %s to go home darns %s refers the castration of %s with a bread-knife to the ethics committee, then ignores their verdict thinks %s couldn't fool Baldrick believes %s is only half witty replaces the GUI on %s's smartphone with a CLI changes %s's password to "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn" mails %s two hemispheres of plutonium and assembly instructions makes %s a plutonium omelette poisons %s's last Rolo forces %s to model the Sarah Lund knitwear collection leaves %s a card claiming that fish delivery was attempted but they were out optimises %s to a NOP causes %s's wardrobe to malfunction multiplies %s by zero divides %s by zero declares %s to be illegal, unworkable, and counter productive grudgingly conceeds that %s is not as bad as NFS causes "eaten by wolves" to appear on %s's screen makes kittens illegal just to annoy %s books the WBC to protest %s's funeral ditches %s's skin wonders whether to bother stunning %s slave-chips %s deposes %s gives %s a Brazilian deletes %s unread sticks a ferret up %s's nose buys %s a copy of a Louise Bagshawe novel fails to exterminate %s, then blames them for moving the goalposts causes the Italian government to collapse and makes %s prime minister fragments %s disqualifies %s from the human race filters all the happy stories out of %s's Facebook feed reschedules %s onto a flight to TTD performs a machine-gun sonata for %s pushes a pineapple in a painful direction for %s calls for a government inquiry into %s decides %s deserves their own .fish domain shares its earworm with %s wishes %s would let it go demotes %s to Chief Whip accuses %s of handling salmon in suspicious circumstances throws shade at %s nominates %s for speedy deletion