hits %s with an omega-3-supplemented fish finger
blows a vuvuzela in %'s ear
reads the Eye of Argon to %s
-traps %s in a lift with Steve Jobs
+traps %s in a lift with Alan Sugar
pops a cap in %s's ass
spies on %s through their webcam
sets flying monkeys on %s
moves %s's home directory to a tmpfs
uses %s as a scratch monkey
denies %s three times
-pepper-sprays %s
+casually pepper-sprays %s
+sticks an orange on %s's head
+sings the Free Software Song to %s
+immerses %s in Coca Cola
+presents %s with half a mouse
+blames %s for the latest trout
+arranges for %s to be devoured in the night by gerbils
+flattens %s
+bites %s
+nationalises %s
+renormalises %s
+accuses %s of witchcraft
+turns %s into a newt
+signs %s up for bulk fish delivery
+picks %s's low-hanging fruit
+installs Rick Santorum in %s's bedroom
+makes it known that the prime minister has "full confidence" in %s
+collides a large haddock with %s
+attacks %s with a banana
+scraps %s
+rackmounts %s
+assaults %s with Margaret Thatcher's handbag
+LARTs %s
+bustitutes %s