lends %s all its spoons
searches the internet for pictures of %s
writes to Dan Savage for tips on seducing %s
+cross-dresses just for %s
+buys a telephoto lens just to take pictures of %s
+offers %s some Madeira
+offers %s a fork
+gives %s a thumbs-up
+goes speed-dating with a dozen clones of %s
+writes a webcomic about the adventures of %s
+dresses up as Batman for %s
+club mammoth for %s. Ug!
+sexts %s
+defeats all of %s's evil exes
+clones %s's repo
+thinks %s is cuter than all the My Little Ponies put together