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Stage Set - The Suzuka
Pitlane, i.e. two adjacent garages whose contents, cast and
livery change with the scenes. The programme notes say it is
Saturday night-Sunday morning local time, the weekend of the
Japanese Grand Prix.
Scene 1
Dawn lights come up slowly on one of the garages, which is
full of disconsolate Tyrrell mechanics dressed in white overalls,
wielding spanners, etc. to set up their cars.
MECHANIC 1: |
Well, mate, this is the last time
we'll ever be doing this. |
MECHANIC 2: |
It's the end of an era. |
TYRRELL MECHANIC 2 lays down his spanner and walks down
to the front of the stage. Lights on the garage go down and he is
picked out by a single pin spot.
Song
1 - Wintertime
MECHANIC 3: |
Come on, lads! Back to work before
Craig turns up! |
(Fade to black.)
Scene 2
The house lights come up to reveal the left-hand garage
draped this time in predominantly red livery with a touch of
yellow. The garage is busy - red-clad mechanics swarm over two
chassis. The second garage is clad in bright yellow and a lot of
buxom yellow-clad GRID GIRLS are hanging around it in tight tops.
A slender dark-haired man in a yellow suit - DAMON - is joking
with them.
The MECHANICS drift over to the left hand side, and the
GRID GIRLS to the right. There is bustle and chatter and pom-pom
background music.
(HEINZ-HARALD enters Stage Left.)
HHF: |
Well, it's almost all over. |
MECHANIC 1: |
Bin nice 'aving you here, mate. You
all ready for movin' next door? |
HHF: |
I'll miss you guys. |
MECHANIC 2: |
We've 'ad a good year, though,
ain't we? |
HHF: |
Sure we have. Even when Jacques
wasn't around. |
MECHANIC 1: |
(slyly) So wot 'appened with that
bird who was chasin' after you an' Jacques? |
HHF: |
(sadly) I haven't heard from her in
ages. |
MECHANIC 3: |
Women, eh!? |
(Just then, BERNIE'S DAUGHTER enters Stage Right. She is
starting to show.)
GRID GIRL 1: |
Hey! Look who's here! |
(The GRID GIRLS cluster excitedly around her.)
BBD: |
Get lost. |
GRID GIRL 2: |
Hey, don't be like that. We just
wanted to say hi. |
BBD: |
(relenting) It's just this heat...
and the baby... |
GRID GIRL 1: |
It's OK. We understand. |
GRID GIRL 2: |
So when's it due? |
BBD: |
Just after the Canadian Grand Prix. |
GRID GIRL 3: |
So who's the father? |
Song 2 Summer Nights
(As the song ends, the two lovers come towards each
other shyly, while the MECHANICS and GRID GIRLS scatter to both
sides.)
BBD: |
Hey! Heinz-Harald! |
HHF: |
Darling! |
BBD: |
I've come to say I'm sorry. |
HHF: |
You don't have to apologise. I
understand. |
BBD: |
I've been doing a lot of
thinking... and it's you I really want. |
HHF: |
Me!? really?! |
BBD: |
I only really wanted Jacques
because I couldn't have him. |
HHF: |
I want to take care of you and the
baby. |
BBD: |
Can you really forgive me for the
way I've treated you? |
HHF: |
Of course I can. |
BBD: |
I'm so lucky. (She sobs.) |
HHF: |
Can we take the child to
Disneyland? |
BBD: |
We can take it anywhere we like. As
long as we're together. |
(HHF bends down on one knee and producing a Pepsi can
ring pull from the pocket of his Nomex. As he does so, unseen by
those on stage, a weeping figure in a fur coat enters the stage
on a riser towards the back, and watches the group, pressing a
handkerchief to her eyes.)
HHF: |
Will you do me the honour of
becoming my wife? |
BBD: |
I'd love to. (She bursts into
tears.) |
DAMON: |
That's fantastic! Let's have the
wedding immediately! |
HHF: |
We can't. I don't have any money.
Eddie hasn't paid me my signing on fee yet. |
DAMON: |
I'll lend you a few quid until pay
day if you like. |
BBD/HHF: |
Thank you! Thank you! |
DAMON: |
So it's settled then. |
HHF: |
Will you be the baby's godfather? |
DAMON: |
I'd be honoured. But we'd better
get on with it! There's a lot to prepare! |
(They all rush off stage looking excited. The lights
fade to a cool violet, with a pin spot picking out BERNIE'S WIFE
as she walks downstage slowly.)
BERNIE'S WIFE: Now even my daughter has a man of her own
to love her. And I - I have nothing but pain and loneliness.
Song 3 - I've Got Your Picture, She's Got
You.
(Still weeping, she walks slowly off stage. Fade to
black.)
Scene 3
The adjacent garages are suddenly alive with scarlet livery
on the left, and silver-grey, red and black livery on the right.
Big band music strikes up and suddenly fifteen red-clad
FERRARI MECHANICS dash onstage from the left, as fifteen
black-clad MCLAREN MECHANICS dash on from the right. The music
thrums away in the background during the dialogue.
FERRARI
MECHANIC 1: |
I hope you're prepared for losing! |
MCLAREN
MECHANIC 1: |
We don't know what losing means. |
FERRARI
MECHANIC 2: |
Well, get ready to learn! |
MCLAREN
MECHANIC 2: |
Yeah, bud, you're the one to give
the lessons, all right! |
(MIKA and ERJA HAKKINEN, hand-in-hand, enter stage right
and come downstage to the front.)
MCLAREN
MECHANIC 1: |
Good luck, Mika! The whole team
wants you to beat that man. |
MIKA: |
(pause) Thank you. |
(MICHAEL and CORINNA SCHUMACHER, hand-in-hand, enter
stage left and come downstage to the front.)
FERRARI
MECHANIC 1: |
Forza Schumi! |
ALL FERRARI MECHANICS: |
Yeah! Forza Schumi! |
SCHUMACHER: |
Whatever happens, let's make it a
fair fight, OK? |
(MCLAREN MECHANICS jeer, FERRARI MECHANICS smile and
queue up to shake MS' hand.)
SCHUMACHER: |
May the best man, car, tyres and
engine combination win! |
Song 4 Today
(As the song ends, there is a rumbling from the left
wings and the sound of a powerful engine.)
FERRARI
MECHANIC: |
Quick, lads! Here he comes! |
MCLAREN
MECHANIC: |
Better get out of his way! |
(They all scatter theatrically left and right as a
silver transporter drives on stage from the left. A small man
with unkempt hair, clad in a white shirt and black trousers,
steps out and moves to centre stage.)
Song 5 Don't Cry For Me, Argentina
Scene 4
The MECHANICS do a few more leaps and high kicks and then
rush offstage. MIKA and ERJA wander into their garage and
disappear into the shadows at the back.
SCHUMACHER: |
Where the hell is Eddie? |
(An unkempt figure shambles on stage right, hands in
pockets.)
EDDIE: |
Can't get the hang of this time
difference. |
SCHUMACHER: |
I need a word with you. |
EDDIE: |
Fire away. |
SCHUMACHER: |
I was roughed up by some horrible
cops on vacation in New York last week. |
EDDIE: |
Really? |
SCHUMACHER: |
That bloody woman dropped me in it
again! |
EDDIE: |
What do you expect me to do about
it? |
SCHUMACHER: |
Take care of things. That's what
you're paid for. |
EDDIE: |
I can't do very much about the New
York police, guv. |
SCHUMACHER: |
No, but you can take care of this
race today. |
EDDIE: |
I'm not doing anything dodgy. I'll
lose my licence. |
SCHUMACHER: |
How dare you accuse me of wanting
to do something illegal! |
EDDIE: |
It wouldn't be the first time,
would it? |
(The introduction to the song begins.)
SCHUMACHER: |
I've done nothing to be ashamed of. |
Song 6 My Way
EDDIE: |
I've had enough of being your
stooge. |
(The introduction to the next song begins)
Song 7 Schumi's Clown
SCHUMACHER: |
(contemptuously) Very good. But
remember you're being paid handsomely for it. |
EDDIE: |
It doesn't mean I have to enjoy it. |
SCHUMACHER: |
I expect you to take care of the
race later. |
EDDIE: |
(stage whisper) I already have -
but it's his car I've nobbled, not Mika's! |
(Fade to black).
Scene 5
The stage is darkened, but we can still see the garage
faintly in the background. It is decorated in red and yellow
again but this time it is deserted. A pin spot picks out a
desolate figure leaning against one side of the awning. He is
balding, wearing over-large overalls and has a generally
disconsolate demeanour.
JV: |
Thank God this season's over. I
couldn't take any more humiliation. |
Song 8 Memory
(The end of the song fades into a more upbeat, pa-pa-pa
syncopated introduction. Over this repeated phrase, a tall
Italian-American man in red overalls - ALESSANDRO ZANARDI -
strides on from Stage Left, trailed by a queue of giggling
teenage autograph hunters. He signs a few expansively, the fans
run offstage and then the man walks up to JACQUES with a hand
outstretched.)
AZ: |
Hi! I'm glad I caught you before
you left. |
JV: |
(sadly) There's nothing left for me
to do here. |
AZ: |
You did a great job. |
JV: |
You think so? |
AZ: |
Sure I do. I'm honoured to be
following in your path. |
JV: |
That's nice of you to say. |
AZ: |
I'm so excited to be here at last. |
JV: |
Sometimes I wish I was back driving
in America. |
AZ: |
You must be kidding. I couldn't
wait to get away. |
(The pa-pa-pa overture swells in volume and becomes the
introduction to the next song.)
Song 9 America
Act 2The programme notes say that it is now Sunday evening:
the day of the Japanese Grand Prix.
Scene 1
The house lights come up to a sign of unimaginable
debauchery. A slender blonde man, obviously in a state of extreme
inebriation, is being carried around by a troop of staggering
silver-clad mechanics. Empty bottles scatter the tarmac and the
odd yellow- or red-clad figure is swigging away alongside the
assembled TEAM MCLAREN.
Song 10 Hello, Hello, It's Good To Be
Back
DC: |
(drunkenly) C'mon, Ron, have
another one. |
RON: |
Don't mind if I do. |
DC: |
Mika! Tell us again what you did
when you heard Michael was out! |
MIKA: |
It was... a good moment. |
DC: |
Tell Ron what you told me - how you
first couldn't believe it, then you drove round looking
out for his car on the side, then you started singing- |
MIKA: |
I was... happy. |
(Suddenly the rest of the CAST floods on from all
directions, chattering and laughing, to join the party JACQUES is
accompanied by a tall, lanky man in a beige trenchcoat).
JACQUES: |
Hey, Mika! Well done. |
MIKA: |
Thank you. |
JACQUES: |
Has anyone seen Craig? |
(DC points to the roof of the garage where CRAIG is
impaled on a Mercedes car decoration at the top)
DC: |
Some of the lads got a wee bit
carried away. |
JACQUES: |
Oh my God! They killed Craig! |
DC: |
I think it might have been David
Richards. He was muttering something about if he couldn't
get Rocco, this was the next best thing. |
JACQUES: |
(small voice) Oh. (brightens) Have
you met my new friend Tim Bayliss? He flew over from
Baltimore to watch me in the race. |
DC: |
Nice to meet you. What's your
poison? |
BAYLISS: |
Poison? I'm not working any
homicides. This is my vacation. |
DC: |
(blankly) Champagne do you? |
(DAMON and MICHAEL SCHUMACHER lurch up, arm in arm,
waving a can of Tennent's.)
DAMON: |
Nice one, Mika. Bloody good race. |
MIKA: |
I owe you. |
DAMON: |
Make it a double Glenmorangie,
there's a man. |
MIKA: |
I'll get it. |
DAMON: |
Cheers. |
MICHAEL: |
Congratulations. But wait until
next season! |
MIKA: |
I'll see you in Australia. |
MICHAEL: |
We did our best. |
MIKA: |
It was a good fight. |
MICHAEL: |
(pretended casualness) Have you
seen Edmund? I really need to talk to him. |
MIKA: |
No. Sorry. |
(MICHAEL's mobile rings.)
MICHAEL: |
Hello? hello? I thought I told you
not to call me here... No, I sorted that out OK. I had to
complain about some fat little detective in a bad suit,
but I got out in the end. No, I'll fax you... See you in
Grand Cayman next week. Great. |
(He hangs up.)
MICHAEL: |
(impatiently) Not again! |
BERNIE'S WIFE: |
Darling - |
BERNIE'S WIFE: |
I had to give you one last chance. Prove you
don't love me! Look into my eyes and tell me the truth! |
MICHAEL: |
I've told you before. Just leave me alone. |
(He stalks off just as BERNIE comes up to his wife.)
BERNIE: |
Darling. We must get ready. |
(MURRAY WALKER comes staggering up to RON DENNIS.)
MURRAY: |
So, David, how do you feel about
Benetton's 1998 season now you're no longer in charge? |
RON: |
Absholutely fantashtic. |
(Suddenly DAVID COULTHARD jumps up on top of a pile of
tyres and, swaying slightly, claps his hands.)
DC: |
Ladiesh and gentlemen... team
bosses... can I have your attenshun pleeash? |
(There is silence.)
DC: |
I'd like us all to pay tribute to a
fine man, a great team-mate and a man who can hold his
champagne better than any World Champion in history.
Ladiesh and gentlemen, I give you, the 1998 Formula One
World Champion, Mr Mika Hakkinen! |
(Everyone claps - the introduction to the song begins -
a quiet guitar pom-pom'ing).
DC: |
And I'm shure that Mika remembers
every bit of this fantashtic seashon, even if I don't,
hahaha. |
Song 11 - The Last Lap
The end of 'The Last Lap' segues into 'The Wedding
March'. HEINZ-HARALD, in a morning suit, and BBD, in a white
dress, come onstage, holding hands.
MURRAY WALKER, dressed in a dark suit, blesses the
couple, and they kiss. The two-seater McLaren-Mercedes sits to
one side of the stage with white wedding ribbons fluttering from
its air intake and a 'Just Married' sign on the back.
JORDAN and WILLIAMS mechanics form an archway with their
hands and the happy couple run lightly down it, before BBD tosses
her bouquet (it is caught by a PVC-clad redhead, standing stage
left). They stop at the end of the wedding canopy and kiss, as
everyone applauds.
EVERYONE: |
Good luck! Mazeltov! |
(All the happy couples: MIKA and ERJA, MICHAEL and
CORINNA, JACQUES and Det. BAYLISS, DC and FIVE BLONDE WOMEN, hold
hands and there is an air of general happiness and joy, except
from BERNIE'S WIFE who is weeping discreetly into her vodka
glass.)
But suddenly, there is the crack of a pistol shot, from
an unknown direction, and MICHAEL SCHUMACHER suddenly falls to
the ground, wounded. There is a sudden, horrible silence.
EVERYONE: |
Oh my God! Who shot Michael? |
The Dallas theme tune begins as we fade to black...
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