From: peterg@chiark.greenend.org.uk (Peter Green) Newsgroups: uk.people.bdsm Subject: uk.people.bdsm FAQ v0.6 Summary: Full FAQ for Website Followup-To: uk.people.bdsm Organization: bdsm.org.uk Last-modified: GMT 1999-07-23 21:13:00 Version: 0.6 Maintainer: Peter Green Archive-URL: Copyright: see Subject 0.2 Answers to Frequently Asked Questions on uk.people.bdsm ------------------------------ Subject: 0.0 Introduction. Hi there. If you are reading this FAQ on uk.people.bdsm, welcome to the group. If you are just skimming this FAQ before posting, and would like your post to be read and well-received, there is information on what sort of posts are acceptable in Subject 7.1.1, and how best to go about introducing yourself in Subject 7.1.7. The information in this FAQ is sorted by topic into sections, and the best order to read it in will depend on whether you are new to the UK, the Net or BDSM. If you have read it before, Subject 0.1 lists what's new. Warning: This article contains material that is both sexually explicit and complex in nature. If you aren't up to that, go elsewhere. PART I SECTION 0 - about this FAQ PART II SECTION 1 - about BDSM SECTION 2 - about the Net SECTION 3 - about BDSM on the Net PART III SECTION 4 - about the UK SECTION 5 - about BDSM in the UK SECTION 6 - about the UK on the Net SECTION 7 - about BDSM in the UK on the Net Note: The way the sections are split into parts for posting will determined by the 64K article size limit on some machines. While this is a draft PART II is being further split when posted. The full document can be found on the Web at: ------------------------------ Subject: 0.1 What's in this FAQ? Questions about this FAQ: 0.0 Introduction. 0.1 What's in this FAQ? 0.2 Who is responsible for this FAQ? 0.3 How complete is this FAQ and how can I help? Questions about BDSM: 1.0.0 What is BDSM? 1.0.1 Why do you choose to use the term "BDSM" for that? 1.0.2 What is 'the' Scene? Am I part of it? 1.0.3 What is B&D? 1.0.4 What is D&S? 1.0.5 What is S&M? 1.0.6 What other general BDSM terms are there? 1.1.0 "Safe" 1.1.1 Whips. Floggers. Paddles. Canes. Crops. Hands. Feet. 1.1.2 Restraint. Suspension. Mummification. * 1.1.3 Gags. Breath control. Sensory Deprivation. 1.1.4 Cutting. Burning. Branding. Wax. Electricity. * 1.1.5 Body modification. Permanent piercings. Play piercings. 1.1.6 Genitorture. C&B. Parachutes. Breasts. Nipple clamps. - 1.1.7 Scat. Enemas. Watersports. Golden showers. Catheters. 1.1.8 Butt plug training. Anal sex. Fisting. - 1.1.9 AIDS. Safer sex. Cleaning toys. Meeting strangers for the first time. * 1.1.10 What steps can I take to reduce the risks in BDSM? 1.2.0 "Sane" 1.2.1 Why is B&D fun? - 1.2.2 Why is D&S fun? 1.2.3 Why is S&M fun? 1.2.4 What is 'real' BDSM? Does what I do count? * 1.2.5 Fetishes. Clothing Care. Gender Play. Shaving. 1.2.6 Is BDSM insane, unnatural or degrading? - 1.2.7 My fantasies scare me. What if I get too into BDSM? 1.2.8 Negotiation. Emotional safety. Care after scenes. Abusers. 1.3.0 "Consensual" 1.3.1 Safewords. Non-verbal safewords. Implicit safewords. - 1.3.2 Club and play party rules. Codes. Voyeurs. - 1.3.3 Pushing limits, expectations and mistakes, mindfucks. 1.3.4 Role-playing. Control. Topping from the bottom. - 1.3.5 No safeword-scenes. 24/7 relationships. - 1.3.6 How can I become a better bottom? - 1.3.7 How can I become a better top? 1.4.0 Toys 1.4.1 How to make your own. Cheap toys. - 1.4.2 Stealth toys. - 1.4.3 Who makes the best quality whips? [ a long running question never definitively answered :-) ] - 1.4.4 How 'thuddy' or 'stingy' are floggers made from different materials? - 1.5.0 People - 1.5.1 My partner has never tried BDSM. How can I addict hir? - 1.5.2 My partner isn't into BDSM. Can I go to clubs for non-sexual play? 1.5.3 Oh my god. My mother just looked in my closet. What do I do? 1.5.4 How out do I 'have' to be? SM Pride. BDSM symbols. - 1.6.0 Information 1.6.1 Books - 1.6.2 Magazines - 1.6.3 Films and videos. Questions about the Net: - 2.0 I'm not on the Net. What is it? And what are email, news and URLs? 2.1 What are FAQs? 2.2 I'm new to the Net. What should I do? Where can I find out more? 2.3 Why does it matter if I post something to an inappropriate group? - 2.4 Trolls. Cross-posting. Flamewars. Forging addresses. - 2.5 What is spam? Why is it evil? What should I do about it? - 2.6 Anonymity. Finger. Net names. Outing. Harassing email. - 2.7 How do I killfile posters/threads I don't like? 2.8 What can I do if my ISP doesn't take a newsgroup I want to use? 2.9 What is IRC? How do I get onto the different nets? Questions about BDSM on the Net: - 3.1.0 What is there about BDSM? - 3.1.1 Newsgroups 3.1.2 IRC - 3.1.3 Web sites - pictures 3.1.4 Web sites - stories 3.1.5 Web sites - other - 3.1.6 Muds, talkers, virtual worlds, bulletin boards - 3.2 Related areas [ Actually, the whole of section 3 needs thinking about. Ideas anybody? ] Questions about the UK: 4.0 What is the UK? 4.1 I'm visiting the UK. Have you any advice? Questions about BDSM in the UK: 5.1 Is BDSM against the law? 5.1.1 Countdown on Spanner - 5.1.2 "Secret" magazine impounded by Customs - 5.2 How can I find out about groups, clubs and events in the UK? - 5.2.1 What's up with Whiplash? Where is the Fetish Fair/Market? - 5.3 Do contact magazines only list commercial dominatrixes? - 5.4 Equipment sources. BDSM-aware lawyers & other professionals. 5.5.0 Play parties 5.5.1 I want to throw a play party; how do I go about it? 5.5.2 I want to attend a play party; what is the etiquette? * 5.5.3 I want to attend a club, but I'm frightened. What's it like? * 5.5.4 What does a dungeon monitor at a club actually do? - 5.6 What is the scene like in the UK? - 5.6.1 Is the UK more like the east or west coast USA stereotype? - 5.7 What is the history of the scene in the UK? The Hellfire club, etc. [ Does information on Cynthia Payne, etc. belong in the FAQ? ] - 5.7.1 What is the 'English' vice? Are there still canes in schools? - 5.8.0 I want to find a play partner. Have you any advice? - 5.8.1 Advice to men seeking female bottoms. - 5.8.2 Advice to men seeking female tops. - 5.8.3 Advice to gay men. - 5.8.4 Advice to gay women. - 5.8.5 Advice to straight women. Questions about the UK on the Net: - 6.1 How do I get on the Net in the UK? 6.2 Am I still welcome in uk.* groups if I don't live in the UK? Questions about BDSM in the UK on the Net: - 7.1.0 The uk.people.bdsm newsgroup 7.1.1 Its Charter 7.1.2 Its History - 7.1.3 Its web site - 7.1.4 Its users - 7.1.5 Its distribution (which providers take it) - 7.1.6 Its munches 7.1.7 Hi, I'm new to this group. What should I do? - 7.1.8 Quote! 7.2.0 Links - BDSM * 7.2.1 UK BDSM Clubs online * 7.2.2 UK BDSM Magazines online * 7.2.3 UK BDSM Event Listings online * 7.2.4 UK BDSM Web sites - other * 7.2.5 UK BDSM bulletin boards, talkers, IRC channels, etc. - 7.3.0 Links - related areas [ The whole of 7.3 needs thinking about. ] - 7.3.1 Pornography - 7.3.2 Sex, swingers, personals, polyamory. - 7.3.4 TV, TS, fetish fashion, piercing, rituals, paganism, Goths, etc. [ Maybe we should limit it to one link per subject? No idea ] 7.3.5 Liberty. UK anti-censorship campaign. Leydig trust. - = nobody has volunteered to deal with this subject yet. + = someone is writing the answer but hasn't submitted it yet. * = subject has been added or altered since last version. ------------------------------ Subject: 0.2 Who is responsible for this FAQ? This FAQ was originally collated by Pallando, and is currently being maintained by Peter Green. The material in it, though, was authored by the folks on uk.people.bdsm, with additional ideas and material from the alt.sex.bondage FAQ (now the soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm FAQ) by Rob Jellinghaus . All rights over the material (including copyright) remain with the authors, except as explicitly granted otherwise. The authors, while attempting to make their answers reflect the opinion on the group at time of writing, make no guarantees the information is true, complete, safe or even funny. For that matter, if you think you have any sort of promise from any past or present collator, maintainer, *.answers moderator or web archiver, dream on. That having been said, permission is hereby granted for this material to be Read; Stored on-line for uses that are non-profit; Stored off-line for uses that are both non-profit and personal; Used (in printed form) as part of perverse and bizarre sexual acts; and Stored on- or off-line as necessary for Usenet distribution and browsing providing any edits are indicated as such, and this answer is included. If you are archiving this FAQ on a website, if there are any problems with its distribution, if you have any material for it, or feedback on it, please email the maintainer (see email address in 'Maintainer:' header). ------------------------------ Subject: 0.3 How complete is this FAQ and how can I help? FAQs are living documents, and are never completely finished. You can always help by spotting errors and emailing the Maintainer with suggested alterations or additions to current answers. Pointing out new questions that are being frequently asked on the group, or are likely to be, is also helpful. In the case of this uk.people.bdsm FAQ, the answer is "not at all complete". It is still in draft stage. That means it is not being archived at MIT, is has not yet been accepted by the moderators of the *.answers newsgroups, and that it may well be posted more frequently than once a month. Volunteers are needed to answer most of the questions in parts 2 and 3. If you have a few spare moments, pick a question, email me so I can mark it as being handled, then get writing! Your answer does not have to be complete or perfect, since the group will be able to add corrections once it is in the next version; any answer at all is useful because it provides a basis to comment on and refine. ------------------------------ Subject: 1.0.0 What is BDSM? Literally, "BDSM" is the contraction of "B&D", "D&S" and S&M". In practice the term is often used in a more general sense to cover the range of interests common in the BDSM Scene, such as fetishes, body modification and alternative sexualities, and it implies activities done Safely, Sanely and Consensually (SSC). Briefly, SSC means respecting your partner's body, mind & free will. (For more detail see Subject 1.1, 1.2 & 1.3) ------------------------------ Subject: 1.0.1 Why do you choose to use the term "BDSM" for that? Consider the alternatives: "SM" - doesn't cover D&S. "bondage" - doesn't cover S&M. "kinky" - Has negative connotations in some areas. "pervy" - Has negative connotations in most areas. "wiitwd" - Not used off the Net. (means: what it is that we do). "BDSM" is widely understood within the Scene, is not offensive to vanillas, and is sufficiently specific to be useful while being inclusive enough not to leave large groups within the Scene feeling rejected. ------------------------------ Subject: 1.0.2 What is 'the' Scene? Am I part of it? "a toy" - a piece of equipment that you use for BDSM (e.g. a whip). "to play" - to participate in a BDSM activity (e.g. spanking). It does not imply any particular level of seriousness or reality. "a scene" - an uninterrupted session during which the participants are actually playing, and can last from seconds to a lifetime. It does not have to have an audience, nor does it imply roleplay, S&M, or any one specific element. "the Scene" - the BDSM community. It can mean both the people who play together, and the events that bring them together. If you believe in doing BDSM activities, and you identify with the Scene, then you are part of it. There is no entrance exam, no initiation ritual, you don't have to be into any particular aspect of BDSM nor do you have to be a recognised public player. There is no particular virtue in being an old or heavy player; so don't be intimidated if you are not, you are just as welcome here. (See also Subject 1.2.4 and Subject 1.5.4) ------------------------------ Subject: 1.0.3 What is B&D? "B&D" stands for "Bondage and Discipline". "controller" - one who wants to control someone's physical actions "controllee" - one who wants their physical actions to be controlled Control can be physical (via bondage) or psychological (via discipline). "bondage" - any form of physical restraint or hindrance. Devices commonly used include cuffs, ropes, chains, corsets, gags, blindfolds and large pieces of furniture, or a controller can immobilised a controllee with no devices at all -- just by sitting on them. ;-) Bondage is often combined with inflicting pain, and tight bondage or uncomfortable positions can be used in order to inflict pain: however, that is not intrinsic to bondage. Bondage can also be used to stimulate the body -- Japanese rope bondage is not only an art form, it deliberately uses knots to massage sensitive points. "discipline" - the use of rules and punishment to control overt behaviour. Punishment can be pain caused physically (such as caning), humiliation caused physically (such as a public enema) or loss of freedom caused physically (such as chaining the controllee to the foot of a bed, for snoring). Bondage when used as a punishment is still bondage, but because it is overtly being done in response to a 'rule' being broken, it is also part of the discipline. Punishment does not need to be physical. It can be loss of privileges (such as having an orgasm this month), being ordered to do a task (such as writing lines on a blackboard) on threat of further punishment if not finished correctly, it can be verbal humiliation, or really any act that you can inflict on the controllee or get them to inflict on themselves that they don't like. Rules can be applied randomly by dominants as a tool for disorienting a sub, or by a sadist in order to have an excuse to inflict lots of fun pain, but a disciplinarian is one who enjoys gaining control over someone's physical actions and apparent behaviour by training them to obey stated rules. Discipline is often combined with playing roles such as student/teacher, worker/boss, nurse/doctor or servant/noble, to give a context for the rules. ------------------------------ Subject: 1.0.4 What is D&S? "D&S" stands for "Domination and Submission". It can also be written "Ds", "D/s", "D&s" or "D/S". "dominant" - one who wants to dominate someone (also "dom" or "Dom"). "submissive" - one who wants to submit to someone (also "sub"). Domination is the gain and use of control over a sub's emotional reactions by the manipulation of their mind and body. This may or may not be then used to discipline their physical actions; it can be sufficient to own their soul, but tangible proof of ownership is often found enjoyable. The difference between Discipline and Dominance is that the Disciplinarian cares that the bottom does obey, while not minding whether they wanted to or not. The Dominant cares that the bottom wants to obey, and only minds whether they do actually obey in as much as it proves that they wanted to. Of course someone who is into both D&S and B&D would care about both things. In BDSM relationships the dominant should take the submissive's interests and needs into account: however, this is not the same as saying they will do everything the sub wants or enjoys. Submission is the voluntary offering up of control over one's own volition. Perfecting a genuine selflessness and desire to serve, worship and obey can be a lifelong project: however, there are many forms of D&S relationship and the dominant does not usually gain control totally or hold it permanently. ------------------------------ Subject: 1.0.5 What is S&M? "S&M" stands for "Sadism and Masochism" or "SadoMasochism". It can also be written "SM" or "S/M". "sadist" - one who wants to inflict physical pain. "masochist" - one who wants to receive physical pain. The terms "Sadism" and "Masochism" originated with two real people whose names the medical profession used for the respective conditions: however, S&M as it is practised as part of BDSM has little to do with the clinical conditions as defined in DSMIV, so I shall ignore them here (details in Subject 1.2.5). "physical mods" - a deliberate and ornamental change in the body's structure that does not risk impairing needed functionality (e.g. an ear piercing). "physical hurt" - a painful insult to the body, causing only repairable physical damage. Any impairment must be limited to less than a finite planned maximum in magnitude and duration. "physical harm" - physical damage that risks unacceptable or indeterminate impairment of needed functionality. In S&M the aim is to inflict sensations (such as physical hurt) without causing physical harm. There are many devices available to help a sadist do this. Among the most popular ones dedicated to this purpose are paddles, floggers, straps, canes, crops, whips, cats and clamps. Hands, candles, ice cubes, needles, knives, feathers and electricity can be just as fun. Hardware stores are fun to visit with a kinky mind. Not everyone responds to sensations in the same way. Some people prefer a stingy cane to a heavy paddle. Some people prefer tickling to a cane. Some people prefer a paddle to tickling. There is no right or wrong amount of pain to be able to withstand, nor is there a correct way it should feel to you. (See in particular Subject 1.2.3) ------------------------------ Subject: 1.0.6 What other general BDSM terms are there? "master" - someone into D&S who has a specific relationship with a sub. "slave" - someone into D&S who has a specific relationship with a dom. These terms are used in a great variety of conflicting ways. They might be used by one couple when doing a one-off role- playing scene, based on historical slavery. Another couple may define their whole relationship on that basis, using welded collars, powers of attorney and a 24/7 no-safeword agreement to make it as permanent as possible. "top" - someone who is a controller, dominant and/or sadist. "bottom" - someone who is a controllee, submissive and/or masochist. These used to have slightly different meanings in the gay community ("one who penetrates" versus "one who is penetrated"). In our context they are just generic terms that do not imply whether the player is heavily into D&S or not. By definition: all masters are dominants. all dominants are tops. all slaves are submissives. all submissives are bottoms. but not necessarily vice versa, and nothing is implied about whether the player has any interest in S&M or B&D. To confuse matters further, some men will describe themselves as masters, without being dominant, in hope of getting to play with submissives. Mistress is a fairly direct equivalent term for women, but Sir, Lord, Lady, Madam, Goddess, or any other formal title probably indicates an interest in topping. "SAM" - Smart Arsed Masochist. Used to mean a bottom who is into S&M but not D&S, and who behaves in a disrespectful manner in order to get more punishments. Dates from '70s. Also used pejoratively to mean someone who tries to take total control of a scene while claiming to be submissive. "YKINMK" - Your Kink Is Not My Kink. "MKIBTYK" - My Kink Is Better Than Your Kink. "YKINOK" - Your Kink Is Not Okay. "YKIOK,IJNMK" - Your Kink is OK, It's Just Not My Kink. "AKIBTN" - Any Kink Is Better Than None. "TMPTAWWTLO" - The Missionary Position Twice A Week With The Lights Off. "vanilla" - Something not part of the Scene. Often used to describe parts of your life, as well as people or activities. Usage is similar to that of "mundane" by the Science Fiction community. Its use is sometimes considered pejorative, though not by gourmets who eat the real thing, apparently :-), and probably should not be used to include alternative sexual practices that are part of BDSM in the wider sense. "missionaries" - If vanilla sex is what you imagine your parents having, then 'missionaries' are more "It's my birthday. Do you reckon you can go on top tonight darling?". Pejorative. "munch" - Social meet of an on-line BDSM group. May or may not include food, drink and or play. Will include talk and fun. "edge play" - There is disagreement on what this means. Some people use it to refer to play on the edge of consensuality (e.g. pushing limits). Others mean the edge of safety (e.g. play that has a significant risk of causing death or permanent damage). It can therefore be of vital importance to know which definition your potential top is using. "torture" - BDSM with a heavy S&M element and strict control. ------------------------------ Subject: 1.1.0 "Safe" Playing safely does not mean giving up all dangerous activities. It means taking reasonable care that you know what risks of physical harm are associated with any activities you consider trying; and, if you decide to go ahead, planning those activities with due thought to optimising the balance between risk and reward for everybody involved. If you are the top, and you are tying your bottom up, keep your attention on what you're doing. Your bottom is going to be blissing out; it's up to you to see that they're comfortable and kept amused. The "amusement" can be as nasty as you please, but see that they don't get _bored_; that's seldom fun.) Many tops come up with an SM safety kit, containing (among other things) such items as a flashlight, duplicate keys for _all_ locks, bandage scissors (with one flat blade) for speedy bondage removal, a First Aid kit with all the standard first aid items, disinfectant (such as Bactine or Hibiclens) for toys which come in contact with bodily fluids, safer sex supplies (sometimes including several varieties of lubricant -- different people like different sorts), and so on. See _SM 101_ (a book listed in Subject 1.6.1) for an excellent description of such a kit. Pay attention to what you're doing and use common sense and you'll likely be fine. In general, start out slow and PRACTICE! See the rest of the answers 1.1.* for activity specific hints and how-tos. ------------------------------ Subject: 1.1.1 Whips. Floggers. Paddles. Canes. Crops. Hands. Feet. One way of thinking about whipping is as another way of touching someone. People who are just getting into SM frequently play with spanking; it's fun to be spanked! It's a punishment, it's a strong stimulus, it hurts very pleasurably. But if you've ever spanked anyone for a long time you know that your spanking hand wears out quickly! Well, that's what whips are for -- to allow you to hit someone for a longer time, without tiring out. There are many varieties of whips (cat-o-nine tails, heavy floggers, canes, light braided switches, suede pussy whips, and on and on), all of which feel very different and which have their own individual effect. A whip-loving top will often carry a veritable arsenal of different floggers, but they are all extensions of the top's touch. Indeed, when I whip or cane someone, I feel as though I _am_ touching them -- as though the instrument is an extension of my arm and my desire. There are deeper reasons why the variety is so diverse. A whipping scene will often start off very lightly, with the top using a small whip to sensitise the bottom and get them into the rhythm of the scene, switching to heavier and heavier whips as the bottom gets deeper and deeper, more and more receptive to additional sensation. Of course, the top may choose to lead the bottom on any kind of tactile journey the top desires -- switching from stinging light switches to biting canes to soft fleeces. (Yes, it can feel GREAT when your top stops hitting you and suddenly brushes a velvet cloth against your back! Or maybe an ice cube....) It's all about physical sensation. Quite often people in the scene describe whips as being "thuddy" or "stingy". Thuddy whips land with a solid impact; they shove you, they feel like a cross between a hug and a punch. Stingy whips land with a bite; they feel like a cross between a scratch and a slap. Both kinds of sensation are enjoyable in different ways, and a skilled top can alternate thud and sting (and then some!) to create waves of sensation that wash their bottom into ecstasy. Most people enjoy a slow build-up when being whipped. This can culminate in an explosive climax of impacts, leaving both top and bottom drained and delighted. Or it can wind down gently, ending casually. Or it can stop feeling good suddenly, resulting in a safeword. Or it can turn into a galloping intense sex scene! But the general "start slow, build up, end intensely" tempo is common to many SM scenes: from gentle to stronger to WOW and then back to gentle, then a little stronger, then WOW!!... and gentle again. It's the motion of the ocean, as they say. It takes practice to know how to use this to blow your bottom's mind, but the more you learn, the more skilled you will be, and believe me, these skills -- teasing your partner and making them feel better and better and BETTER -- are very useful in non-SM contexts as well! Whips aren't the end of the story. Some people use paddles -- of leather or wood, sometimes with holes cut in them to decrease air resistance and make for a harder impact. Paddles produce a solid "smack!" which can feel like a super-powerful spanking. Some players like canes, which can be thick or thin, stiff or relatively flexible. Canes can produce some of the strongest impacts of all -- the "whick!" of a quick-moving cane is distinctive. Not everyone can handle the intensely-focused pain canes can produce, but those who can tend to greatly enjoy it. Wooden spoons and kitchen spatulas have been pressed into service as instruments of flagellation. For a while, Nerf bats were very popular in some San Francisco parties I went to. (Bonk!) If none of this makes any sense to you -- well, if you have to ask, you might not understand. Whipping or spanking is sometimes used as part of a "punishment" scene, in which the pretext for the scene is that the bottom has been disobedient or naughty in some way which requires chastisement. This can be fun to do as role-playing, but it may not work in a more long-term D&S dynamic. Bottoms often find it erotic to receive non-damaging sensation from their top -- and of course any scene causing permanent damage is not safe nor sane. If your bottom learns that the best way to get enjoyably beaten is to misbehave, you will have a very bad bottom on your hands. It is often then best to separate "play" punishments (which are intended to be fun) from "real" punishments involving seriously broken agreements. Here is where reality and fantasy need to be delicately separated, and here is where the real world differs from S&M fiction. When whipping someone, be careful. Heavy whipping is usually done on the back or buttocks, simply because those are the parts of the body which can take it most readily. Be careful of hitting the spine, which can break the skin where the vertebrae come close to the surface. Stay away from the kidneys, as kidney damage can occur if you hit them too hard. Stay away from the neck, for the same reasons you avoided the spine. Be aware that if you hit someone hard enough (which may be lighter than you'd think) you will bruise them, and if you keep going you can break the skin, which is decidedly unsafe sex; and leather or string whips are tough to clean. For this reason, some dedicated masochists have their own toys which have come in contact with their blood, and henceforth can be used only on them. Whippings like this are very strenuous, but as with all SM, you can start out light and get only as heavy as you want! Bruises will heal (even large ones), as will light cuts or abrasions, but you should know how to avoid unintended damage that won't be so accommodating. One thing to watch for (a distant risk, but worth knowing): melanoma, a form of skin cancer, can be worsened by skin trauma. If you see a mole on your bottom's back that looks uneven, discoloured, or different than it used to, avoid that area, and have them see a dermatologist. ------------------------------ Subject: 1.1.2 Restraint. Suspension. Mummification. Make sure your bottom's extremities don't start getting cold or turning blue; those are both sure signs that blood isn't flowing the way it ought to, and that isn't what you want to have happen. If your bottom's hands are bound inside mittens or some other place that's not accessible to you, ask them to wiggle their fingers or toes or whatever and see if they're losing any feeling. It can be tricky to tie someone up without making it too tight; in general, a good rule is to tie loosely with lots of turns of rope. You can tighten such a tie with just another turn around all the rest, and it can be a real drag to have a bottom's foot fall asleep in the middle of a scene; this kind of thing can feel very annoying and distracting, and can make it hard for your bottom to concentrate on what you are making them feel. Silk scarves, bandannas, etc. also have this problem with tightening under tension; sometimes they get so tight they have to be cut off. If you're a novice, you may want to avoid these hassles by purchasing a pair of basic ankle and wrist cuffs (in leather, Velcro, or whatever) at an adult toy store; and if you get embarrassed, remember the old standby excuse: "It's a joke wedding gift!" Handcuffs are sexy, but they can also be a pain. Shoddy cuffs (the kind you buy at the sporting goods store) are liable to break while being worn -- then you have to file them off. If you want to play with handcuffs, get a good quality pair; the usual brand is Peerless, and they'll cost about $30, with a double lock so you can snap them on and then lock them so they won't get tighter under pressure (as cheap cuffs will). Handcuffs are also bare metal, and aren't good to struggle against, as they can easily pinch nerves... padded, buckling bondage cuffs are better for those sorts of games. Do not leave a bound person alone. Though it is a hot fantasy to tie someone up in some precarious position (possibly with vibrators or other devices buzzing away) and leave them to stew, in reality you must consider: what if the house is burgled? catches on fire? earthquake? any sort of emergency? Fun is fun, but a helpless person is just that: helpless. A willing partner is too precious to take risks with. Be very careful about tying anything around the neck; anything that puts any pressure AT ALL on the front of the neck can lead to unconsciousness quickly, as the carotid arteries go right to the brain. Likewise be careful with gags or things tied in the mouth; as well as restricting breathing, they can trigger a gag reflex, which could be really nasty (read: fatal) if the bottom can't get the gag out, and vomits. See the advice in Subject 1.1.3 on safewords for use while gagged. Also, be aware that if someone is standing for any length of time in any sort of tight bondage, it can lead to reduced circulation to their head; if you suddenly do something intense to that person, it may trigger a headrush which could easily result in a faint. Always use hooks which can be released instantly even with the bottom's full weight on them (these are sometimes called "panic snaps" and can be found in good hardware stores), and keep a pair of bandage scissors handy in case ropes or straps need to be cut loose. Be careful what you tie your bottom to; if an exposed water pipe is handy, be aware it may heat up. Likewise with candles; be careful when you're waving flame around someone who's bound, as they can't flinch the way unbound people can. If you don't have anything handy to tie someone to, you can always tie their wrists behind their back and then to their waist. Or if your bed doesn't have any posts, you can wrap ropes around the legs of the bed and spread-eagle your bottom that way. In general, there are a million ways to tie someone up, and a little practice -- on your bottom or on yourself! -- will let you improvise in almost any situation. Below I list a few sorts of common bondage devices mentioned here in stories and postings. If you read a term here which you don't understand, write me and I'll add a description. * Mummification or Cocooning: About the most complete form of bondage is to wrap someone up so they are completely immobile. The most popular way to mummify someone is with plastic wrap. A common technique is to wrap each limb separately, then wrap the arms to the sides, and then wrap the legs together - - and then help the bottom lie down on an adjacent soft surface. You can then cut holes (carefully!) to access any especially sensitive areas, or wrap duct tape over it all for extra security, or add gags, blindfolds, etc. One way the body releases heat is by sweating, and while mummified you can't sweat too much, so make sure your bottom doesn't overheat -- and have a blanket ready to cover them with when you cut them out of their cocoon, using the bandage scissors (obtainable from medical supply stores -- one flat blade makes cutting easier) which you of course have ready to hand. And as always, monitor your bottom very carefully; they are helpless, and your neglect or inattention could spell disaster. * Hoods: Many leather stores and artisans make bondage hoods. These are typically constructed of leather or rubber. Some have simple zippers, and you zip them up to secure them. Others have laces on the back and/or the sides, enabling the hood to be laced more tightly for greater bondage effect. Some hoods have eye holes, some don't. Some hoods have mouth holes, some don't. Some deluxe hoods have built-in earmuffs or even space for earphones, for sensory deprivation. Almost all hoods have nose holes, for obvious reasons. Hoods can restrict a bottom's breathing quite seriously, and tops must remain continually aware of their bottom's condition while their bottom is wearing a hood -- especially if the hood is combined with any form of gag. Do not leave a hooded bottom alone; breathing difficulty can come on quickly. Some people believe that any hood without a zipper or other extra-quick-release mechanism is too dangerous to use on a bottom. In any case, you should have some bandage scissors at the ready if the hood needs to be removed in a big hurry. See Subject 1.1.3 for more safety tips. * Bodybags: If you like being bound, the ultimate extreme is bondage which encompasses your entire body, leaving you with no motion whatever. Bondage bodybags (or "sleepsacks") resemble a well-tailored, snug sleeping bag, often made out of leather or spandex. Spandex bodybags are the least expensive, and if made from heavy enough spandex can be very restrictive indeed. Often bodybags have an opening at the upper end, through which you slide your feet, pulling the bag up to your neck. Many have other openings for genitals or nipples, so your bottom can be pleasured or tortured while immobile. Leather bodybags can be arbitrarily complex (and expensive); some have built-in internal arm sleeves to further minimise motion, or suspension straps so the bag, bottom and all, can be lifted into the air. Some have laces around the outside so the bag can be cinched to a downright painful tightness. If you REALLY have money to burn, you can even get inflatable rubber bodybags -- get in it, pump it up, and float away! Caveats about breathing and quick-release apply here as well. * Hobble skirts: Fetish clothing is often designed not just to look good and feel good, but to act almost as bondage in its own right. Hobble skirts are a perfect example: they are simply skirts which fit very snugly from waist down to ankles. Often the wearer can take steps of only a few inches while wearing the skirt (thus the term "hobble skirt"). When combined with a pair of high heels, these skirts can be almost totally immobilising, even without any other bondage. Leather or rubber are (again) the typical materials, though some dedicated tailors make their own from velvet or satin or other sensuous materials. * Armbinders: Restraints, typically leather, that bind both arms behind the back. Some resemble large gloves that pull up over both arms and buckle around the shoulders. Others are straps that go down the middle of the back and have attached wrist cuffs. In general, there are lots of kinds of bondage gear, and you can even invent your own... ------------------------------ Subject: 1.1.3 Gags. Breath control. Sensory Deprivation. **** GAGS Gags are devices used to muffle sounds or limit ability to communicate verbally. Besides the practical aspects, gags can have a significant psychological impact. They can be used to humiliate or degrade a person, to induce animalistic connotations and to depersonalise. There are many different types of gags ranging from home-made items to the expensive accoutrements sold at fetish and leather shops. All these different types of gags can be used to induce a variety of effects in the wearer. *** TYPES OF GAGS ** BASIC HOMEMADE GAGS Home-made gags include gagging with scarves, panties (soiled and otherwise) socks and duct tape. These are probably the most effective in actual noise reduction; however, they do have serious safety considerations to be taken into account. Socks and panties can be stuffed into the mouth and secured in place with tape or a scarf. Besides muffling noise this can be very humiliating, especially when the items used are soiled in some way. Duct tape is a favourite when used in a rape or kidnapping scenario, heightening the intensity and reality of such *play*. It is also inexpensive, quick to put on and equally quick (and painful ) to remove. * SPECIAL SAFETY CONSIDERATIONS Inhalation or swallowing of the gag (or part of the gag) is probably the most important concern with these gags, and the person wearing the gag should be watched carefully. It may be a good idea to wrap the item around a rope across the mouth to keep it from being inhaled. The Top should have a good understanding of the bottom's non-verbal communications. Dry mouth is another concern: if the mouth becomes too dry, swallowing can be very difficult. This can also induce gagging and choking. ** ADVANCED GAGS Advanced gags include ball, wedge, inflatable, bit and harnesses. These come in a variety of configurations from a securing strap to complex full-head affairs. They can be made of rubber, leather, or nylon webbing and are available in fetish shops or by mail order: or the more adventurous of us can make our own. Metal bits should be avoided as they pose a danger of chipping teeth. * BALL GAGS A ball gag is basically a rubber or leather ball attached to a strap that is secured around the head. The ball can be rather small to very large. These have a tendency to open the jaw very wide, and to cause the wearer to salivate profusely. They have a deeply humiliating effect for some people, mostly due to involuntary drool and the loss of control it implies (the "drool factor"). * WEDGE GAGS These are similar to the ball gag except they are wedge-shaped and less severe. They can be worn more comfortably by some, for extended periods of time. However some people are more sensitive to a "gag reflex" with these gags. They have the added advantage of giving a bottom "something to bite down on" while being whipped or otherwise abused. * INFLATABLE GAGS These are usually rubber gags inflated by means of a bulb, with a valve allowing the person to release air as required. Inflatable gags come in many shapes and sizes, ranging from the typical ball gag to penis-shaped and wedge gags. Care should be taken not to over-inflate the gag, and the top should check the sub's reaction after each inflation. * BITS Bit gags are usually rubber or leather, although some people may use wood or metal (in our opinion, not a good idea). Psychologically these are very effective in inducing animalistic reactions and in dehumanising the bottom. Because of the obvious connotations these are popular in pony club circles and with other animal play enthusiasts. * TONGUE CLAMPS Though not technically gags, tongue clamps serve well to impair speech significantly, much like the traditional "Scold's Bridle". Metal or wood vices are available to grip the tongue. These are usually attached to a head harness or other external means of support. Variations can be made using common household items such as chopsticks secured with leather thongs or rubber bands. These have almost no effect on noise, but make speech impossible, adding to feelings of helplessness and humiliation. These can become quite painful and the bottom will drool significantly. * HEAD HARNESSES One of the most effective and comfortable gags is a head harness. This is a kind of leather version of a scold's bridle. It has adjustable straps so the whole thing can be tightened suitably. The actual gag part is usually a wedge, though there are variations including balls, tubes, and rings. The harness has straps which cross over underneath the jaw and fasten around the back of the neck, effectively clamping the jaw up onto the wedge. This is more severe in that the entire head is encased, making the wearer feel more controlled, animalistic and humiliated. (Harnesses may also incorporate blindfolds or blinkers as well as gags -- or none of the above!) This gag is more constricting than any other. It is also easily grabbed from any angle, so offers more physical control of the bottom to the top. Care should be taken to not jerk the head too violently. Some harnesses also have attachments to facilitate blindfolds, to further add to the vulnerability of the bottom. *** SAFETY General safety considerations include being able to remove the gag immediately if a problem arises. It would be a bad idea to use a gag that locks in place, unless you are willing to cut it off. Care should be taken to avoid eating large quantities beforehand, and alcohol and drugs should be avoided. If you use a safeword, or are new to gags, it is a good idea to have a non- verbal signal of distress. This can range from shaking the head in a predetermined fashion, to holding an item in the hand and dropping it when in trouble. For obvious reasons a grunt or moan is not the best option. When finding a gag, check carefully to ensure that no part of it can be bitten or torn off, posing a danger of choking to the bottom. The gagged person shouldn't be left unattended, and a person with a cold, hay fever or blocked nose shouldn't be gagged. Large gags should not be used on someone with Tempero-mandibular Joint Dysfunction (TMJ). TMJ sufferers also should not be required to have their mouth open for extended periods of time. Test a person's limits with a gag (and every gag) before leaving them in place for any period of time. Any person may begin to feel pain with gags, especially large ball gags. This pain can soon become excruciating. Persons with false teeth or bridges should consider removing them before using a gag. Always have a pair of safety scissors or other cutting device on hand when using gags, as emergencies can arise quicker than one expects. *** GRUNTS, MOANS, AND OTHER ODD NOISES (or, Other effects of wearing a gag) Gags are humiliating because of the grunts, moans and other odd noises the bottom makes from behind the gag. Though the gag is also frustrating because you cannot speak, it can also be comforting when experiencing severe treatment for two reasons. First, because you can scream to your heart's content and second, because it gives you something solid to bite on. Being gagged, especially when it is combined with any other type of sensory deprivation, (i.e. being blindfolded or having your ears plugged), makes the bottom extremely aware of their vulnerability and also can make them conscious of the fact that they can easily be turned into no more than just an object if the top desires it. One of a bottom's main fears about being gagged is that anything could happen to them and they wouldn't be able to protest verbally. It's the increased vulnerability and explicit physical control (especially when combined with being bound in some way) that instils this fear. That poses the question of whether, psychologically, something is easier to deal with if you can shout and scream your protests before/while something is being done to you? **** BREATH CONTROL Some people enjoy playing with cutting off their air during heavy scenes. This can be as simple as squeezing someone's neck while you kiss them deeply, or as complex as a full-head latex hood and gas mask over a straitjacket. As your air is cut off, you can feel sensation more intensely; it is also a deeply intimate thing to allow someone else to be in control of the very air you breathe. One simple explanation is that the body's natural reaction as orgasm approaches is shallow, rapid breathing -- just like in breath control. Needless to say, there are many things that can go very wrong; if you pass out and someone isn't there to cut you loose and make sure you're breathing, you can die. Not for novices. One simple way to start is to try squeezing your lover's neck gently as you make love to them. If it feels good, they will let you know, most demonstratively. And you can stop instantly just by letting go. In _any_ form of breath control, it is critical that all equipment be fail-safe, and that the bottom's breathing is only impaired by the top's _direct_ action -- not by anything (noose, gas mask, etc) that would continue to obstruct air if the top (for example) fainted suddenly. Many people die each year practising "autoerotic asphyxiation" -- wherein someone will masturbate while restricting their own breathing, and one night they wait too long to take the bag off their head or release the pressure on their neck, and they black out and die. (Recall Stephen Milligan, the Tory MP). Some think, "Well, just play with a partner, then, if you want to black out." However, losing consciousness, even for a moment, _can_ trigger cardiac arrest. This is why making your bottom black out is almost certainly a much riskier idea than you would think. The same goes for anaesthesia. Sometimes people think, "Hmm, it'd be hot if I could drug my play partner -- like in the movies -- and she'd wake up all bound!" Even if your play partner likes this idea, don't do it. There is no safe way to force someone into unconsciousness; anaesthesiologists spend their lives learning how to do it, with the best equipment, and still mishaps occur. Don't play with ether, or chloroform, or suffocation to unconsciousness... unless you and your partner really want to take a substantial risk of death. More experienced people than you have died. See for more details. **** SENSORY DEPRIVATION I think one of the most important things to watch for with hoods is the "after effects" of using them. The person who has just had a hood removed may be shaky, disoriented, unable to think clearly or to perform simple tasks (i.e. standing up, walking). They may also be unable to communicate these problems. Some people suddenly weep uncontrollably and it's up to the Top to know what they need in that situation. They may seem fine but be experiencing a sense of disconnectedness, and need to be watched carefully and helped where appropriate. These symptoms can last anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours. These symptoms are a surprise to inexperienced (and experienced!! -- every time is different). Since any deprivation of any sense can be considered sensory deprivation, then every time someone puts on a blindfold, they are practising SD. SD is very attractive to many, and a powerful tool that can be used, abused, improved or mishandled. I had my psyche classes, did some research, and from time to time have even worked with interrogators. It has amazing power: constructive, destructive, playful, and useful. It can help one focus (on one thing or many) or it can be used to disorient and warp. And it comes in a million shapes, sizes and degrees. So while some is very light and playful and relatively safe, some can be potentially catastrophic. And let's not forget sensory overload. It's as powerful, if not more so, and everyone seems to forget about it. Although in most respects, it goes hand in hand with SD and often they can overlap. I know I'm being vague and maybe even sounding paranoid. I just want to drive home the point that it can be a VERY powerful tool. I play with it quite often, as well as Sensory Overload. And I recommend some aspects of it to most D/Sers. Just be careful if you are doing anything too heavy or too prolonged. You can feel ecstatic, feel scared out of your mind, feel perfectly normal, be totally confused and lost, or any strange combination of the above after a prolonged or heavy scene. ------------------------------ Subject: 1.1.4 Cutting. Burning. Branding. Wax. Electricity. [ The Prof is writing something on Electricity. Anybody want to cover Cutting, Branding or Wax? ] **** FIRE First of all it's true what your Mum and Dad said -- playing with fire is dangerous. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do it, just that you should remember it is dangerous. The following is advice from someone who has been a fire performer for fifteen years and has used fire in SM play and public shows for nearly as long. (I always knew those circus school weekends were going to teach me more than juggling and unicycling!) There's a couple of laws of science that it's useful to bear in mind -- fire cannot exist without oxygen and flames burn upwards. Fire against skin - skin will burn if you hold a flame against it for long enough, but that's the secret (and skill) of fire play -- how long? Two seconds is very exciting, four seconds is very warm and six seconds is the longest I've ever managed on myself and I wouldn't risk it on anyone else unless I saw them do it to themselves. I use fire torches for fire play (see below) but I use four in one session, rotating them two at a time so they don't get too hot, and making sure the ones I've just used get some time to cool down. The flames themselves are not actually that hot (the bigger and yellower they are, the cooler they are -- and the more spectacular they look), but the torches and the wicks can get very hot quite quickly and that's what can burn. It's actually safer to put the torch directly and firmly on to the skin -- because you cut the oxygen out between the torch and the flesh there is no flame there. There will be flames at the sides though and they can start to burn the skin either side of the torch, and if the wick is too hot it too will start to burn flesh -- if the wick is starting to glow red then it's probably time to put that torch out and use another one. If the slave is lying flat, it's possible hold the torch in place for longer because in addition to there being no oxygen, the flame is burning upwards and away from the body. It is possible to use the flame underneath (for instance if the slave is standing upright and you use it between their legs or under their arms) -- just not for as long. In my experience though, you don't have to do it for very long, the sheer fear and thrill of fire can have a dramatic psychological effect on a slave, and for a public SM show it's very impressive to most watching audiences. It is worth saying that very minor burns are quite common, but that they *are* minor (not even like catching yourself on an iron or hot pan). * Hair - hair burns very quickly and at a very low temperature, so if you're thinking of using fire to burn hair off, be careful. If the hair is thick it can resemble a miniature forest fire very quickly, and if you've seen the scorched earth after a forest fire then you can imagine what might happen to skin. If I'm using fire to burn a slave's pubic hair away I do it in stages, putting the flaming hair out fairly quickly after it catches. Although it's a great form of play, I wouldn't recommend it for smooth depilation (think of the stubble on burnt crop fields ). * Flames - as I've said the flames themselves are not that hot from fire torches. However, be careful with smaller flames like those from matches, lighters and candles. Because the wicks or other burning areas are much smaller the flames get hotter much quicker, and they are in contact with a much smaller area of flesh. It is easy to burn in this way. * Fire torches - unless you are planning to end your play or show by extinguishing the flames in your own (or your slave's) mouth, then I would recommend the torches used by fire jugglers. They're easy to handle, have big wicks and produce a spectacularly big flame. However, if you do want to put them out in your mouth then you're going to have to have a pretty big one (mouth, that is) to use juggler's torches -- I've done it, but it's not comfortable. The torches I use are hand-downs from an old circus performer and are thin metal rods with plaited lampwick thread (which needs regularly replacing). I've also made temporary wooden ones using doweling wood and lampwick, with the wick stapled on or bound with copper wire. These latter are not ideal, as the wood can burn and the metal in the staples or wire can get very hot indeed. They are okay for a short play though. * Fuel - Paraffin is the safest form of fuel, because it only burns on a wick or if it's vaporised (you can drop a lighted match into a bucket of paraffin and it will go out). Unfortunately, it smells and tastes disgusting and it's fairly slow to light (which may be an important factor if you want to do an SM fire-show at a club or party). I used to use a mixture of paraffin and lighter fuel, but some years ago I found some other stuff (unfortunately, the place I bought it from has long since disappeared and there's no label on my container -- it was sold as "Firewater", and it's relatively odourless and tasteless). Any good circus or theatrical suppliers should be able to get some if they don't have any in stock. It lasts a very long time even with regular use -- I've had a five litre bottle for at least three years, and I've still got half a litre or so left. * Playing outdoors - I've only once played with fire outdoors in an SM scene and it was in Spain with no wind. However as a fire-eater and fire-blower I've performed outdoors hundreds of time. There are two things to watch for. First, the wind -- keep track of which way it's blowing. Indoors, I've blown sheets of flame from my mouth over a slave (keep yourself low and keep their head out of the way and make sure it's a big room), but I'd never do it in a wind -- it's too easy for the wind to blow the flame away from the target. Ordinary body play should be okay though, but to be cautious keep the flame some distance from the slave's head. Second, the temperature outdoors can give you a false perspective on what's hot and what's not. The most serious burns I've had have resulted from outdoor shows where the combination of that false perspective and adrenaline meant that I didn't feel the burns (and the pain) until several hours later. Finally, if you are looking to torture and cause real pain without any lasting damage there are probably more effective things to do than use fire. However, if you like drama and showmanship as part of your play then it's very effective indeed. ------------------------------ Subject: 1.1.5 Body modification. Permanent piercings. Play piercings. **** PERMANENT PIERCINGS The word "permanent" is something of a misnomer in this context, as all piercings can be removed at will and the holes left behind will shrink until they are barely visible. It can be argued that all piercings are erotic, in that if you like piercings, people who have them will become attractive to you just for that reason. However some placements are more erotic than others for the wearer, particularly nipple, clitoris and penis. These areas will become highly sensitised by piercing, and some women with clitoral piercings report being able to reach orgasm when they were previously unable to. Tongue piercings can also be erotic -- they are reputed to give unsurpassed oral sex. Obviously, it will hurt. The intensity of pain will vary from piercing to piercing but it will always be very brief. Most people experience an endorphin rush or "high" which comes on shortly after the needle goes through and can last for a considerable time, maybe several days, so the act of getting pierced can be a reward in itself. Choose your piercer carefully. Ask around for recommendations, and always visit the shop and ask questions before committing yourself. Check that the piercing room is scrupulously clean, and that the piercer wears gloves, and that all equipment to be used has been autoclaved. Insist on a single-use needle, which should be kept in its sterile packaging until the last minute and should be opened in front of you. For any body piercing, the jewellery must be a minimum of 1.6mm thick and the needle should be the same gauge. The piercer should take a helpful and reassuring attitude, and should advise you on expected healing times, and be prepared to offer an aftercare service in the event of any problems. All permanent piercings will require twice-daily cleaning and rotating during the healing period. My personal recipe for this is a warm salt bath, to which a dash of Savlon or other antiseptic has been added. After a good soak, gently clean off any "crusties" that are stuck to the jewellery and turn the jewellery to work the cleaning solution all the way through, then repeat the procedure with plain water. As a finishing touch I always apply tea-tree oil. Different people have different healing rates, but a general rule of thumb is that the deeper the piercing, the longer it will take. *** POPULAR EROTIC PIERCINGS This is by no means an exhaustive list: there are many piercings available which have not been included here, these are just the ones that are most commonly sought for sexual reasons. For more detailed information on these and all other piercings, please refer to the rec.arts.bodyart FAQs at http://www.eskimo.com/~rab/lobby.html * Nipples Healing time 3 to 12 months or longer. One of the more painful piercings, but also one of the more rewarding, most people reporting greatly increased sensitivity and a tremendous boost to their confidence. Nipples can be pierced either horizontally or vertically, with the horizontal placement being the most popular, and there is a large range of different jewellery styles that are suitable for this piercing. Nipple piercings are quite prone to infection, often because people mistakenly think they must be healed by now and start playing with them and switching jewellery before they are ready. Nipples can and frequently do take a *very* long time to settle down properly -- only once the jewellery turns easily within the piercing and the piercing is no longer secreting "crusties" can it be considered to be fully healed. Migration (when the jewellery starts to work its way towards the surface) is much more likely to afflict male nipples than female. * Inner Labia Healing time 1 to 2 weeks or longer. One of the easiest pierces in terms of aftercare. Labia piercings almost never migrate or become infected, and once thoroughly established (6 months or more) it is possible to leave the jewellery out for reasonably extended periods without risk of the hole closing over. A ball closure ring (BCR) is the most suitable jewellery for this pierce. An erotic pierce in that it provides visual interest, inner labia piercings will not necessarily affect the sensitivity of the wearer. * Horizontal Clitoris Hood Healing time 2 to 6 weeks. A popular and attractive female genital piercing which can provide a rewarding amount of extra stimulation. The placement is through the fleshy part where the inner labia join together above the clitoris: unfortunately not all women have a sufficiently pronounced "hood" to carry this piercing. It is also often not recommended for the larger woman, as pressure on the jewellery from the thighs can cause it to twist uncomfortably and may contribute to migration. Many different jewellery styles are suitable for this location, with plain BCRs, teardrop, or D-rings the most commonly worn. * Vertical Clitoris Hood Healing time 1 to 2 weeks or longer. This is another anatomy-dependant piercing with not all women finding it suitable, going in under the thin piece of tissue covering the clitoris shaft and out through the top. Because the jewellery is constantly in contact with the clitoris itself this can be an extremely stimulating piercing, but it can also lead to hyper-sensitivity and discomfort. A curved barbell is probably the most suitable jewellery. * Prince Albert Healing time 1 to 3 weeks. A dick-end job, with the jewellery going in through the urethra and out through the underside of the penis head. The Prince Albert is a much sought- after classic for the gentlemen, being both visually attractive and pleasurable for both partners during sexual activity -- it also has a virtually 100% success rate with problems rarely, if ever, encountered. A ring or circular barbell is usually worn, straight barbells being largely considered unsuitable. * Reverse Prince Albert As Prince Albert but with the jewellery emerging from the topside of the penis. * Ampallang / Apadravya Healing time 8 to 10 weeks. Ampallangs and apadravyas are usually, but not always, pierced through the head of the penis, the ampallang being the one that goes straight through from left to right, the apadravya straight through from front to back. Alternatively, they can be performed further up the shaft. They may or may not go through the urethra: if they do it tends to give a shorter healing time. A straight barbell is the most appropriate jewellery, and it should be of a relatively heavy gauge if the wearer will be having penetrative sex. Some female partners greatly appreciate the extra sensations afforded by these piercings, but roughly equal numbers report finding them uncomfortable. Considered to be slightly tricky piercings to place correctly, some piercers are unwilling to perform them. * Guiche Healing time 6 to 8 weeks. This piercing is almost exclusively male, where it is performed through the ridge of skin between the back of the scrotum and the anus. The perineal area in women does not lend itself to piercing so readily, and this pierce is relatively uncommon in females. The position of this piercing dictates that activities such as cycling and horse-riding are best avoided during the healing period, but once healed the guiche is said to be a very comfortable and stimulating pierce. Pressure on the jewellery during foreplay can increase arousal, and gentle tugging can prolong and intensify orgasm. * Frenum Healing time 3 to 5 weeks. Basically a foreskin piercing, usually performed through the loose flesh beneath the penis head, although some men like to acquire "ladders" of frenums going all the way up the shaft. A straight barbell is commonly worn, but frenums can also be worn with a ring going through the pierce and completely encircling the penis, giving a similar effect to a cock-ring. **** PLAY PIERCING. Play piercing is the temporary piercing of the body in a scene for the sensation produced, rather than to add jewellery. It is done with a needle crossways just under the surface of the skin. The main safety considerations are to avoid infection of the area where the piercing is done, and to avoid getting one person's blood in another, via a used needle for example, which is a high risk for the transmission of HIV and various other diseases. If a person has problems with prolonged bleeding due to haemophilia or medication they may wish to avoid being pierced. * Effect of piercing This varies from person to person and between each piercing. The pain level may be non-existent or quite high. Most people have a strong mental reaction such as an "Endorphin High" regardless of the perceived pain level. What it does to someone's head-space may vary according to factors such as the position they are in and whether they are restrained. Some may avoid piercing due to needle phobias -- others find this makes the scene very powerful for them. * Equipment Rubber gloves: These are widely available from chemists or from other suppliers of safer sex barriers. They are worn by the piercer to keep any traces of blood off the hands, and to keep the skin to be pierced clean. Alcohol wipes: These are widely available from chemists or from the same place as the needles are obtained. They are used to clean the skin to be pierced and so avoid infection. Sharps bin: A strong container to place used needles in, where they may be kept safely until destroyed. These are available from the same place as the needles are obtained, and can be exchanged when needed. Needles: These may be available from a local needle exchange -- call the National Drugs Hotline on 0800 776600 to find out where the closest one is to you. There are also some medical equipment shops that supply them. The type used are the same as used for giving injections and are sharp, designed to break the skin and sterile. They come wrapped and sheathed. They should never be used more than once and should be placed in a sharps bin immediately after use. They come in different sizes and have colour-coded ends. Blue and green are the most commonly used, the green ones being slightly wider and longer than the blue. * Where to pierce Common places where someone may be pierced are the upper arms, upper chest, breasts and back. Other parts of the body may be pierced by those who are more experienced. Places to avoid are joints, and places with many nerves and blood vessels such as the wrists, hands or face. * Preparation It is recommended that the person to be pierced has eaten in order to have reasonable blood sugar levels. For beginners, a laying-down position may be preferable in case of fainting. If the person to be pierced has known problems with prolonged bleeding due to haemophilia or medication they may wish to avoid play piercing. Have the equipment needed handy including a sharps bin where used needles may be discarded and somewhere for other rubbish such as used alcohol wipes. * How to pierce The piercer should wear clean gloves and have the needed equipment to hand. The person to be pierced assumes a suitable position. The skin to be pierced is cleaned with a freshly opened alcohol swab. This is done with strokes in one direction, rather than wiping any germs around. A new needle is unwrapped and unsheathed. (The sheathes may be placed somewhere handy as a check of how many needles have been used). The skin is pinched gently and held. This should be reasonably easy on the fleshy parts of the body recommended above. It may help for the person being pierced to change position. They may also find it easier not to watch the needle enter the skin. It may be preferable to choose a set routine for piercing, so everyone involved knows what is happening at all times. For example: "Breathe in" : Person being pierced takes a deep breath in "Breathe out" : Person being pierced breathes out deeply and slowly "Breathe in" : Person being pierced takes a deep breath in, piercer holds needle against the skin "Breathe out" : Person being pierced breathes out deeply and slowly, piercer pushes the needle through the skin The needles have a slanted tip and are held so the sharp point is against the skin. The piercing is done through the fold of skin that has been pinched and held, pushing the needle through using a gentle pressure. They may be pushed through right up to the plastic barrel and released once in place. If multiple piercings are done, using all of the needles in the same direction in any patch of skin will help avoid the piercer accidentally pricking a finger. * Afterwards The needles are removed by pulling them out gently and they should be discarded in a sharps bin immediately. Some people prefer to re-sheath them in case they ever come out of the bin, or as an "accounting procedure" to make sure no needles are accidentally lost to stab unwary feet at some later date. On the other hand, some people prefer not to re-sheath in order to avoid accidentally stabbing themselves while doing so. There may be slight bleeding, more so if the needles are left in for longer. It may take some time for someone who has been pierced to come down enough to drive or operate power machinery. *Legal issues: I am not a lawyer and so cannot give legal advice but my understanding of the law as it stands is that piercing for decoration or performance art is legal, piercing for pleasure is not. ------------------------------ Subject: 1.1.6 Genitorture. C&B. Parachutes. Breasts. Nipple clamps. "C&B play" stands for Cock & Ball play. "CBT" stands for Cock & Ball Torture. "Genitorture" stands for "genital torture". This is a subject that makes some men clutch their nuts and run in fear, and makes other men instantly erect and greedy for more. The male genitals are at once the most vulnerable and most sensitive part of the male body, so of course many tops enjoy playing with them. Cockrings are rings that go around your cock, typically around the base of it, behind the balls. The penis becomes erect when the blood vessels at its base constrict (because of arousal), trapping blood in the cock and causing it to swell. Cock rings have a similar effect, prolonging erection in most men that use them. (They also constrict the urethra, which will make any orgasm more painful, or even cause ejaculate to back up into the bladder. This is not dangerous unless done repeatedly. Experiment to find out how much tightness is too much.) Most are made of leather, with adjustable snaps, so you can tighten or loosen them to fit (as well as remove them easily). Some are made of rubber. Some are even made of metal, but metal ones can be hazardous; if you put a too- small one on your non-erect cock, your cock may become so erect that you can no longer remove it -- and if it is too tight, it will prevent your cock from softening. This may involve a trip to the emergency room and the use of bolt cutters. No joke. Some cock rings have multiple rings, for behind the balls, around the balls themselves, and around the base of the shaft. Some people like using _lots_ of cock rings, to stretch the balls out away from the body. Safety tips: The broadest guideline is to go slowly until you know how much you can take. If the pain from a particular activity starts to spread into other areas of the body, or if the pain lasts for a long time after the stimulation ends, you have probably gone beyond your limits. You won't reach this point generally if you take your time. As with any SM practice, if you find yourself in pain later, or if you notice any abnormalities in your cock or balls when flaccid or erect, see a doctor. Of course, avoid any practice that seriously wrenches or twists the genitals; there are many ligaments and blood vessels in there, damage to which may make it hard for you to get hard. But the cock and balls can handle light whipping or slapping, provided it is done with care. Of course, cock and ball bondage can be done with leather strips, ribbons, velvet cords, etc. Be as ornamental as you please; tying up an erect cock can create a luscious work of art, and teasing it can be even more artistic. Don't expect C&B bondage to keep a cock hard indefinitely; cocks will usually get soft if not stimulated, and bondage which _will_ keep it hard may be dangerously tight. In any event, be sure you can remove your bondage quickly, as always. A great deal can also be done with female genitalia. Some women love having clothespins on their pussy lips; some love light whipping on their outer labia, or even their clitoris. Sometimes body piercings can be used for bondage; labia piercings can hold a pussy open very delightfully, or clit hood piercings can be tied up out of the way with thread, leaving the clit naked and exposed. Some women like soft fur on their pussy; others like to be alternately soothed and tormented until they can stand no more. Again, go slowly. Do NOT blow into the vagina, whatever else you do - you risk causing an embolism. Don't leave clamps on very long until you know how much your partner enjoys (and how it will feel to her the next day when the scene is over). Too much of one kind of sensation can become irritating quickly; change the stimulation, keep your bottom aroused and surprised. There are all _sorts_ of things that can be used on female genitals; one article I have lists "bamboo skewers, candles, cheese graters, clips, flyswatter, ice cubes, knives, latex squares, leather thongs, massage bongers, rabbit fur, ropes, scalp scrubber, silk, spoons, towels, weights, and whips" as items that can be useful in giving your bottom's genitals a ride they won't forget. (And no, you don't do this until you cause real damage, any more than you do with male genitals. Don't be scraping, scabbing, or scarring -- these are the most sensitive parts of the body you're playing with!) Communication is paramount in female genital play; women's pussies vary as much as any other part of women's bodies (or more), and responses will vary equally dramatically. In general, the same sort of rhythm discussed in the whipping section is useful in cunt play, though if anything the top needs to go even more slowly, as the sensations will be more intense and focused than in almost any other kind of sensation scene. One final titbit: apparently, for many women, a common pre-orgasmic response is for the clit to retreat into its hood. If you are giving your partner some very delicious sensation (possibly combined with some just-right pain) and her clit disappears, DON'T STOP! (Unless you _want_ to avoid her orgasm... don't push this too far, unless your bottom's feet are tied down -- she may kick.) And know your limits; if your bottom really wants an orgasm to end the scene, giving her one may make her EXTREMELY grateful to you, and waiting _too_ long may burn you both out. This is good stuff to negotiate about beforehand in any scene -- how would you like the scene to end? Breaking such an agreement will engender mistrust, but honesty, as always, will help everyone get what they want. ------------------------------ Subject: 1.1.8 Butt plug training. Anal sex. Fisting. [ Anyone want to write a piece on Butt plugs? ] **** Anal sex Anal sex, practised properly, is as safe as any other kind of sex. And people do it because it feels good -- the anus can be an intensely erogenous zone. In fact, far more straight people than gay people practice anal sex! The anus contains more nerve endings than any other part of the male body, and more than any part of the female body except the clitoris. It's no wonder that anal sex is a part of many peoples' sex lives. "Anal sex" can range from simply stroking your or your partner's anus with a lubricated finger, to actually sliding some fingers inside your partner and stroking them, to full anal intercourse. All these things are physically very pleasurable, and if you simply wash your bum, there's nothing repulsive about them. The anal taboo is very old, but there is no necessary medical reason for it if you know what you're doing. If you're concerned about staying clean, by all means make sure you've gone to the bathroom before playing, and wash your bum -- outside and, if you wish, inside, with an enema. If you want to feel clean in order to enjoy anal sex, it's not hard to be as clean as you want. (It is also very important, though, to use safe sex techniques, which I describe a bit further on.) The main guidelines for anal sex are Communication, Relaxation, Lubrication. You see, your anus consists of two rings of muscle, dubbed the external and internal sphincters. Your external sphincter is under your voluntary control -- you can relax it at will. But your internal sphincter is _not_ under voluntary control. If you are tense, your internal sphincter will be tight, and trying to force anything into it will hurt, which will make you (and it) even _more_ tense. So the rule in anal sex is to go slowly; you can't force your way into enjoying it. Communication: talk about what you're going to do before you do it! Don't just roll your partner over and surprise them; they won't be relaxed and it won't be fun. Make sure you are both comfortable with the idea of anal play. Relaxation: listen to your body. If your ass wants to be played with, you will know; if it doesn't, don't rush anything. Lubrication: your anus doesn't lubricate, so you need to use a WATER-SOLUBLE lubricant such as KY Jelly or Probe. Use LOTS of it; it's clean! The more lube you use, the more comfortable you will be. And finally, communication again: if you haven't played with your anus before, the sensations will be intense and strange. You may feel like you are having a bowel movement when your partner slides their fingers out of you; it takes some experience to realise that this feeling is deceptive and that what you're feeling won't result in a soiled bedsheet. It's not enough to just clean your anus, though; your partner should also use a latex barrier (a glove for fingering, a dental dam or a piece of (non- microwaveable) Saran Wrap for licking, and a condom for fucking) when having sex with you. This is true in general, but especially true for anal sex; unprotected anal sex is the riskiest kind of sex with regard to transmitting STDs of any sort. Also, using protection often increases the sensation of safety and cleanliness, which helps many people relax and enjoy the experience more. (Some say that anal play isn't as risky as all that. The facts are that in some cities intestinal parasites, spread by unprotected anal sex, have been considered a serious sexually-transmitted public health problem, with thousands of people infected. Decide for yourself how much risk you want to accept.) And anything that has come in contact with the anus should be cleaned thoroughly (or thrown away, in the case of latex barriers) before coming into contact with the mouth or vagina. I already mentioned that it's not a good idea to force anything. Let me be more emphatic: if you feel pain in your arse while you're having anal sex, STOP. Too-rough anal sex can stress and possibly tear the anal lining, which can lead to very serious infections. Anal sex does NOT mix with force (but see below for how to make it painful safely). And if you find yourself bleeding from the rectum, go see a doctor IMMEDIATELY. (Don't be embarrassed, they've seen it all before... just get yourself taken care of!) That said, I need to clarify what I meant by STOP if you feel pain. That is what you should do: stop moving. The pain may just be your sphincter muscle complaining about stretching a bit, and when you stop pushing it will stop hurting -- and possibly relax some more. If it doesn't stop hurting when you stop moving, THEN you want to pull out (slowly) and take appropriate action. If it does stop, wait a little, then begin again... your arse will let you know if it wants to stop altogether. (So pay attention to it! Getting drunk is NOT a good idea, as you don't want to block out any pain you may feel. The FAQ List No-Prize for Worst Sexual Product goes to an "anal lube" that contained oil (and therefore couldn't be used with gloves or condoms), AND which advertised itself as being best for anal sex BECAUSE it contained benzocaine "for greater comfort"! If anyone did hurt themselves through using it, I hope they sued the hell out of the company.) *** Pain and Anal sex I prefer anal sex to be painful, and have found a few techniques that are at least moderately safe. These don't focus on forcing the sphincter, but pain inevitably makes me clench my arse, so there is often a little force involved. * After my partner has his cock in my arse, he beats my upper back, or bites my neck and shoulders. This is a kind of pain I don't enjoy, but it does make me feel quite submissive, and it combines easily with the anal sex. * I get fucked only after being spanked so thoroughly my arse is raw and tender and the abrasion of his pubic hair against my buttocks is enough to make me whimper. * Ice in my arse immediately before penetration. This works better with fingers or a plug than with a biodick attached to a very cold-sensitive top. (I treasure our time together, but still wince at the heating bill.) * There was also something strange and wonderful involving a steel anal speculum and a violet wand. Painful, frightening, and I want more! * Irritants. Many of the best irritants contain enough oil to damage condoms, so be careful. It may be safest to apply the irritant after the top is done fucking. Suggested irritants: - Mentholatum's "Pain Gel" This is an oil-free ointment meant to relieve sore muscles and arthritis which contains menthol but no abrasives. - Jalapeno pepper juice *** Excess Force There is a high probability of either tearing the sphincter muscle (bad, may lead to bowel incontinence, may need stitches) or else (and much worse) tearing the internal mucosa, which can lead to serious medical problems, including lethal septicaemia or severe haemorrhage if the tear is large enough. The inside of the intestinal tract, like the inner two-thirds of the vagina, is poorly nervated, and pain generally means you are damaging it. If it hurts internally due to "force", you're doing it very wrong and placing yourself in danger of serious and potentially life-threatening complications. **** Fisting Everyone (well, almost everyone) knows what finger-fucking is. Whether in arse or pussy, it's terrifically enjoyable to stroke someone inside. (Fingers up a man's bum, if aimed properly, will tickle his prostate gland, which feels AMAZINGLY good... just a little tip!) And people are generally comfortable with the idea of finger-fucking with more than one finger. But not as many people have been exposed to the idea of inserting a _whole hand_ into the bum or pussy... which is, in simplest terms, what fisting is. Yes, it's anatomically possible, and yes, it's EXTREMELY (so I've heard) pleasurable. That said, it's now very important to explain what fisting is _not_. You do _not_ make a fist and ram it home. Fisting is one of the most intimate and complete ways to touch another human being, and it is something that has to be worked up to slowly and gently. There have been many posts about fisting on a.s.b, talking about the proper technique, the safety concerns, the fantastic feeling of openness and connection, the magical plane that two people fisting can attain... it's an incredibly intense way to make love. I can't do justice to the firsthand descriptions others have written, but I can mention some of the safety concerns. First of all, cut and file all your nails until every finger is as smooth as it could _possibly_ be. Your fingers will be in some very delicate places -- places that may not have pain receptors. You want to make sure you minimise all chance of causing damage. Use latex gloves. AIDS is a matter of life and death. You will probably want to clean your bottom's GI tract out. What else are enemas for? Be gentle with enemas; warm water is best. Don't use detergent in enemas. Some people enjoy putting alcohol in enemas; if you do, use a VERY VERY VERY DILUTED solution, since it will get absorbed _real_ fast, and the bottom won't be able to expel it if they get too drunk. Use LOTS (and I mean _LOTS_) of lube. Push it in with your fingers. Make a huge mess. Get it all over your hand, the back of your hand, between your fingers. Keep applying it as you go. You can't have too much lube. Remember, oil-based lubricants dissolve latex. Some people like KY jelly; others say it dries out too quickly. In the UK, a substance called "Aqueous Cream" is the creme de la creme. Others use "J-Lube," which is a powdered concentrate that when added to water produces incredibly slippery goo; it's sold in veterinary supply houses! (Some people still use Crisco with latex gloves, on the theory that the Crisco is just the best lube, and the gloves don't break down _that_ fast. This is risky, but it's an option.) Go slowly. Start with one finger and work up. DON'T RUSH. Be sensitive to your bottom's feelings. You are trying to persuade part of their body to open for you, to admit part of you deeply inside it. The energy will move back and forth, and you'll ride it, coaxing and pushing, in and out, moving your bottom into a trance. Keep communicating with your bottom; gags, or role-playing where the bottom feels inferior or is told to stay quiet, are not conducive to the kind of relaxation and open empathy you'll need. If your bottom suddenly hits their limit, you'll know; their orifice will clench tight shut suddenly. DON'T PULL OUT. Stay right where you are until the contraction ends, THEN start pulling out. You can pull a muscle or two if you try to back out in the middle of a reaction like that. If this happens, it's OK; you'll know to go slower next time (if you both want to try again). But assuming all is well... When you reach five fingers, you're almost there. Now is when you want to be most sensitive and most aware. Your bottom is going to be flying on pain and pleasure; a sudden flinch and you'll find the bumhole (or whatever) doesn't want you anymore. Respect that, and pull out (slowly!). But if your bottom's bottom wants it, then you'll slip your knuckles inside, folding your thumb inside your fingers, and (so I've been told) your hand will NATURALLY form a fist -- you DON'T need to clench your hand or anything else! Now the real fun begins... explore, entice, pleasure your bottom, who will be in heaven... and when it comes time to pull out, do so slowly and naturally! ------------------------------ Subject: 1.1.10 What steps can I take to reduce the risks in BDSM? "Safety" is (a variant of) the first word of the "Safe, Sane, Consensual" motto, but what, exactly, are we talking about? Who is being made safe from what, and when, where, why, and how is this happening? Furthermore, how do we know that what we regard as safety precautions actually make us safer? How "reality tested" are these precautions? OK, a couple of things: As long as there is something in your life that you don't want to lose or see come to harm, you face at least some degree of risk. (Indeed, this is why someone who has "nothing left to lose" can be so dangerous to those of us who still do have something we care about losing.) This risk can be to your life, your job, your health, your kids, your money, whatever. So the questions emerge: How are those things at risk? What can be done to mitigate that risk? There are obvious risks associated with doing BDSM. Most of these are to one of three general entities: Your physical well-being, your emotional well- being, and the well-being of your relationship with your play partner (and relevant others). That something _could_ go wrong is obvious. People who hang out in the community hear of incidents in which things _did_ go wrong, with results ranging from ruffled feelings to multiple fatalities. (There was the incident in Canada -- I can dig out the reference if you force me to -- about the two people who died after they put both of themselves into bondage and their house caught fire.) There seem to be two general approaches to "risk management" in BDSM. One could think of them as the "proactive" and the "reactive" approach. Both have their merits. In the "proactive" approach, one considers what Bad Things _might_ happen and takes appropriate precautions to reduce their chances of happening. To a certain extent, this is always based on speculation, and thus may not lead us to prepare for events that are of high probability and/or high severity. In the "reactive" approach, one considers what Bad Things _have_ happened, to oneself or to others, and takes appropriate precautions to reduce their chances of happening again. (One of the great benefits of communication opportunities such as this forum is that people can widely report their "incidents" and enable others to learn from them.) Looking at the "reactive" approach, it's useful to play a game I call "follow the pathology." What kinds of Bad Things are actually happening, and to whom, and under what circumstances, and how often? Well, let's see. What do we have reported? First, the overwhelming percentage of BDSM-related fatalities I've heard of have involved someone playing alone. Most of these deaths have involved some form of autoerotic asphyxiation (and one could quite legitimately wonder if auto-erotic asphyx is, strictly speaking, BDSM at all) or involved a self- bondage situation that went awry (in which cases, the poor wretches often suffered and screamed for hours or even days before finally dying; brrrrr). Second, the overwhelming percentage of assaultive/abusive/rape situations I've heard of have involved playing in private with a relative stranger in a low- accountability situation. Psychopaths and other Bad People aren't into delayed gratification, and usually want to get their victims alone quickly -- thus they don't like things like having a few non-play meetings first, meeting to play at a party, etc, and they _really_ don't like accountability mechanisms like Silent Alarms. (I've talked with many people -- mostly submissive women -- who have survived such assaults, and I make it a point to ask them "if your partner had been certain that a third party knew where you were, what you were doing, who you were doing it with, and that you would be checking in with them later, would this assault have taken place?" In every single case so far, the reply has been "no." Some have also reported that the prospective partner called off the play date entirely when they insisted that such a mechanism be in place). Third, intoxication of one sort of another, or from mixed causes, is clearly an "essential co-factor" in many BDSM disaster stories. I've heard any number of stories that have led me to conclude that had intoxicants not been involved, the disaster would almost undoubtedly never have happened. (Don't get me started on my rant about how, but for alcohol abuse, the number of ambulances in service could safely be reduced by half; suffice it to say that I learned _very_ early on in my EMS career that drunk drivers do indeed cause a huge percentage of crashes.) Fourth, every now and then one hears of BDSM being used as a cover for genuine criminal intent. I know of two cases, one of which occurred in the Bay Area, in which Person A tied up Person B and then murdered them. (In both cases, the murderer was caught -- actually, in the Bay Area case, the murderers were a man and a woman.) So, if we're talking about two -- or more -- people who know each other "well enough" and neither is significantly intoxicated, and neither has criminal intent, the risk level drops _way_ down. Provided the people involved give each other good feedback (remember the adage that the first play date with a new partner is the one most likely to go wrong) and that they learn from experience, they may play together quite happily for many years without experiencing what NASA so-very-euphemistically calls "an anomaly" even if they never get any "formal" BDSM training from books, clubs, newsgroups, etc. Still, accidents do occasionally happen, and poor techniques lead to poor outcomes, so it is indeed beneficial for BDSM folks to trade stories regarding what worked for them and what didn't. Regarding what precautions BDSM people should take, I see two general categories, the general and the specific. General precautions are those that apply to most citizens in most circumstances. For example, because there is a certain randomness regarding when and where "emergencies" emerge, it's widely recommended that virtually everybody do things like wear their seat belts, have smoke detectors in their house, learn the basics of First Aid and CPR, etc. (Again, EMS crews see first-hand how people who really were "minding their own business" sometimes nonetheless get zapped, and those incidents leave a lasting impression. It's been more than 20 years, but I still remember responding to one particular call where a drunk came over the centreline and went head-on into a car containing Mom, Pop, and a whole bunch of kids.) Specific precautions have to deal with the unique risks associated with BDSM. Thus we teach things like "get to know the other person before you let them put you in heavy bondage", "keep a pair of EMT scissors in your toybag", etc. Why do BDSM-related safety discussions turn some people off? IMO, it's partly because such discussions "spoil the illusion." Some of us (and, please, nobody take this overly personally; it's not at all my intent to single out or disrespect any specific person) want to come across as "dangerous predators" or something like that. To talk about safety, one usually has to "remove the disguise" for a while, and -- damn it -- doing that reveals the fundamentally decent person inside the "predator" disguise. Another reason safety discussions annoy some people is that a fair number of "us" -- particularly among what I think of as the "cyber-anarchist" folks on the 'net -- are just double-dog bediddley goddamn damned that nobody else is going to Tell Us What To Do regardless of how noble (and usually awfully god- damned self-righteous) their motives are. These people _may_ occasionally -- and often somewhat grudgingly -- concede that there is the odd, minor, technical point of information that they didn't already know and -- again, often somewhat grudgingly -- thank us for sharing that, but don't expect to get loved for bringing that to their attention. God love them all. So where does that leave us? Well, we learn by trial and error and (if we survive the error) we report back on what did and didn't work so well. Over time, a pretty good body of information emerges. Who ultimately decides who is right and who is wrong? IMO, that decision is made by Charles Darwin. Warm regards to all, Jay Wiseman http://www.bigrock.com/~greenery Copyright issues footnote: I wrote this article with the hope that it would be widely read and distributed, and without any particular expectation of financial compensation in return for writing it. Therefore, I consent to the following uses of this essay: 1. It's fine with me if you read it. 2. It's fine with me if you send it, in unaltered form and including this copyright issues footnote, in private e-mail to approriate others. 3. It's fine with me if you post it, as mentioned in point # 2, to newsgroups and closed mailing lists. 4. If you put it up on a private, no-fee-to-access, website, please put it up as mentioned in point # 2 and include a link to the Greenery Press website (www.bigrock.com/~greenery). 5. I do require that you get my specific prior permission before putting this article up on a pay-to-access website, putting it in a book or periodical offered for sale, or otherwise charge for any sort of access to it. ------------------------------ Subject: 1.2.0 "Sane" Playing sanely does not mean giving up the wild, abnormal and extreme. It means paying due regard to possibility of emotional harm, in the same way that playing safely is to do with risks of physical harm. ------------------------------ Subject: 1.2.1 Why is B&D fun? Lots of reasons. For many people, the knowledge that they are helpless, that someone else can do things with their body and they can't prevent them, is a powerful turn-on. "I'm going to make you come and there's nothing you can do about it." It's a very strong statement of trust to let someone bind you helplessly, or even non-helplessly. How erotic, to feel yourself spread open, wanton and wet, and to see your lover kneeling between your legs, ready to use you for their pleasure -- or to pleasure you unendurably.... For others, the simple sensation of bondage feels good. Tight constriction can create very intense stimulation, and lots of tight bondage can be a sensory trip, just as a whipping scene can be. Bondage can feel comforting, pleasantly confining; you don't need to worry about anything, since what can you do? You're all tied up, and all that's left is to enjoy. For yet others, it's a charge to struggle, to let your body lose control. It can really intensify an orgasm when you come with every muscle straining against your bonds, trying to get your hands free to smash your lover's face into your crotch, your body shaking. If you weren't tied down you'd hurt yourself! For me, it's all three of these reasons :-) An especially intense form of bondage is verbal bondage: putting your bottom in some position (spread-eagled, kneeling, whatever) and commanding them not to move... and then tormenting them! One kinky variation on this is as follows: have your bottom hold their hands out in front of them, fingers splayed, each fingertip touching the opposite fingertip. Put a penny between each pair of fingertips so they're holding five pennies. Now order them not to let a single one drop, on pain of some punishment or other, and then go to work! This works best on a hard floor so you can hear the coin drop. ------------------------------ Subject: 1.2.3 Why is S&M fun? Often people outside the scene don't see the appeal in any of the things SM people do that look painful. What's enjoyable about being hit? Where's the fun in getting bruised? Well, think about this. Have you ever had intense sex and afterwards noticed bite marks on your neck of which you had no memory? What happened was your love partner bit you, HARD, hard enough that it bruised you, and all you felt was another jolt of pleasure. If they bit you that hard when you _weren't_ having sex, you would scream "OUCH!!!" because it would hurt a lot! But when you are sexually aroused, your pain tolerance goes way up, and stimulation that you usually feel as pain is now actually pleasurable. This is common knowledge. Another usual explanation is that the brain produces endorphins, natural opiates, to compensate for pain. You actually get high off the sensation. The "runner's high" comes from pushing the body painfully for so long that the endorphins kick in; the rush you get after eating chilli peppers comes from the same source; and that's what makes it enjoyable for SM players to be whipped or spanked or whatever. It's not pain, it's pleasure! All athletes that are "hooked on exercise" are essentially masochists who enjoy stressing their bodies to get that chemical response. So your friend who enjoys being spanked may actually be a lot _less_ masochistic than your average marathon runner! For just this reason, Pat Califia (a very well-known writer and SM player in the Bay Area) uses pain as a reward, when she's topping a masochist. Pain as a punishment can have the reverse effect, when your bottom _likes_ getting whipped! Endorphins are by no means The Single Explanation for why masochists find intense sensation to be desirable. Not every masochist floats away blissfully while being whipped, nor would they all even _want_ to. The ways to experience intense sensation vary from dreamlike rush to stinging ouch to irritating maddening burn to soothing warmth to tears-in-the-eyes throbbing... and whatever the sensation, there is likely someone who enjoys it. Also, pain is a continuum. There are many different kinds of sensation that you can use in your lovemaking -- light scratches with fingernails, open-hand spankings, pinches, squeezes... there are many ways to touch someone, and all of them can be enjoyable. Different people enjoy different levels of sensation; "different strokes for different folks". What may be a wonderfully sensual caress to one person may be practically unnoticeable to another, and what may be a delightful flogging to one person may be no fun AT ALL to someone else. Ongoing negotiation is the secret to finding the happy medium. Some people consider all this absurd. "How could you WANT pain?" The best answer I can give is that some people simply seem to be calibrated differently. They want _more_ sensation; they find the intensity thrilling and exciting, whereas someone else might find it overpowering and agonising. People like different amounts of spice in their food; why not in their sexual encounters? Each person experiences sensation differently, and if you want more, there are safe ways for you to get it. Getting what you want, safely, can make your life much happier. (For much more about sensations and sensation play, I strongly recommend Pat Califia's book _Sensuous Magic_. See Subject 1.6.1) ------------------------------ Subject: 1.2.4 What is 'real' BDSM? Does what I do count? You are an individual. Nobody looks, thinks or feels exactly as you do; even identical twins have their differences. It should therefore not be surprising that every BDSM scene has its own unique style. BDSM can be sexual, exciting, humorous, artistic, healing, calming, magickal (or indeed magical, if you tie your bottom in a box, then pierce it with swords). Or it can be none of these things; for some people sex is intrinsically part of BDSM, while for others it is totally unconnected. BDSM will often involve elements from overlapping sub-cultures: Fetishes: cross-dressing, leather, shoes, bad music Body modification: piercing, tattoos, scarification, branding Alternative sex: water sports, anal, masturbation, fisting Un-trad sexualities: transexual, polyamory, bisexual, celibate Mental alteration: hypnotism, drugs, Pavlovian conditioning, magick Role play: knight/squire, teacher/student, noble/servant Counter culture: Science Fiction, the SCA, Gothic vampires, Anarchism None the less, players and events can often be roughly divided into: Old Leather / East Coast of USA: Players are either dominant or submissive. The only acceptable garb is black leather (shiny metal optional), maybe black rubber or PVC if pushed. New Age / West Coast of USA: Players can switch between roles, either with different partners or at different times. Any garb allowed, as long as it reflects the inner you. [ These are caricatures. Anybody got some better descriptions? ] Neither tradition is right or wrong, merely different. If what you do is SSC, and it feels like BDSM to you, then few reasonable people will object. There are some who feel that there is only 'one true way' to be a dom, a sub, or whatever; and that anybody who does not do it that way is a deluded fake. The men in white coats advise that until these people can be recaptured, your best course of action is to ignore them. ------------------------------ Subject: 1.2.5 Fetishes. Clothing Care. Gender Play. Shaving. Leather/latex/high heels/corsets/cigars/shiny boots. All these things -- erotic clothing or objects of whatever type -- are "fetishes". A fetish is any object which has sexual connotations for you. If it makes you feel sexy to wear it, or to see it on someone else, it's a fetish. There's nothing wrong with having fetishes; in fact, it's a rare person who _doesn't_ have any! Some people are turned on by armpits; some by painted toenails; some by good old lingerie. The techniques of negotiation and communication that I've already talked about can also come in handy in exploring your particular fetishes, whatever they are. Leather is one of the most basic fetishes in the scene. Leather skirts, leather chaps, leather harnesses, leather cuffs, on and on. Likewise for latex. Much of the appeal of these two substances, it seems to me, is in their tightness and their shininess; clothes made out of them enhance your awareness of your sensual self, and restraints made out of them can cling like a second skin. In general, leather and latex are two really big categories of fetish -- and a fetish is defined as something that turns *some* people on; if you have to ask, you probably won't understand! Leather clothes absorb fluids; don't get them wet. Plain water will damage the leather; blood or other bodily fluids will also leave their scent in the leather. You can use saddle soap and water to clean your leather, and neats- foot oil to keep it supple and in good condition. Latex doesn't absorb water-based fluids, but oils will damage it, and prolonged exposure to sunlight will cause it to break down. When putting your latex on, apply lots of talc to yourself and to the insides of your latex; this will make it easy to slide it on. Don't pull the latex with your nails, or it'll rip; likewise make sure you cut your toenails before putting on latex stockings. After removing latex clothes, wash them with water to remove oils, then dry them (and some say powder them) for storage. There are also PVC clothes ("wetlook" clothes), which are usually black, shiny, and stretchy. PVC is basically plastic-coated fabric, and is washable, as well as relatively inexpensive. Of course, good old lingerie can be very arousing indeed. It's often true that a little clothing is even sexier than none at all. Erotic costumes and attire can add a lot of spark to a scene; they can set the stage like nothing else. The mind is the biggest erogenous zone, and role-playing and mock acting can be _very_ hot, whether combined with any other elements of BDSM, or not. As for corsets and high heels: they're both restrictive garments that enhance the curves of the body, and that work really well as part of BDSM play -- they can enhance the domineering tread of a mistress or hobble the steps of a slave. They are some of the classic fetish items. High enough heels can make it altogether impossible to walk, which can be very sexy! Corsets, properly applied, can dramatically change the shape of your body, while intensifying sensation throughout. And corsets and high heels, like any fetish, can be combined with many different kinds of scenes. Other fetishes: dirty jockstraps, boxer shorts on women, formal clothes on men, cowboy gear, uniforms (police/military/what-have-you), nurses' outfits, harem girl attire... the list goes on and on. If it turns you on to wear it or to see your partner wearing it, why not make it part of a scene? (A button I heard about recently: "Are you into casual sex... or should I dress up?") In general with fetishes, anything goes! If you find yourself becoming more involved with a fetish than you want to be, then you can take steps to look at your behaviour and determine if you want to change it. But if you like it, and your partner likes it (or likes that you like it), and if it's consensual all around, then go for it! And if you like fetish clothing, check out the alt.sex.fetish.fashion newsgroup -- it's young, but it's growing... * SHAVING Another fetish many people have is smooth skin, with no body hair. Shaven skin is silky soft, completely and utterly naked, and very vulnerable. Shaven legs, armpits, or genitals can feel very different indeed than hairy ones... and since the name of the game is sensation, naturally shaving and SM can go together! Since shaving is conventionally a female activity, it carries an added charge when men are shaved. It can be at once humiliating and enormously arousing. Many men enjoy shaving themselves in order to play with cross-dressing (dressing as a woman); hence I mention these two topics together. Shaving first. How to shave? Use a sharp razor and a bowl of hot water; splash water over your leg (or wherever) and lather with shaving cream. Then shave _with_ the direction of the hair (i.e. shave down the leg towards the ankle, or shave from the navel towards the crotch); going against the direction of the hair can lead to ingrown hairs when it starts to grow back. Shave with short strokes, dipping the razor frequently in the bowl to remove the hair. If you shave only seldom, you may go through a couple of razor blades doing your legs alone. Some people who shave infrequently use an electric razor first to remove most of the hair, then a hand razor for the remainder and on the sensitive areas. (Electric razors tend to pull hair, and they are most annoying on genitals.) Some people swear by waxing (using sticky wax to pull hair out) or by other non-shaving methods of hair removal; to each their own. Shaving can be part of a scene; I've seen many gay-male SM movies with big male tops forcibly shaving their prisoners, and I've also seen dominatrixes washing then shaving their bottom's asses. (It's hard to reach back there yourself, and being bound while a razor GENTLY strokes your most sensitive region is... well... VERY intense!) Then once they're shaven, you can go on to all sorts of other fun. == Shaving does increase sensitivity definitely, but I think it has a lot to do with the area suddenly being made exposed and unprotected by hair. For that reason I sometimes prefer to let the hair grow back fairly thickly before removing it again, as I find that the contrast gives a more dramatic result. If I maintain myself hair-free over an extended period it starts to feel normal. == Just wanted to mention, on the subject of hair removal, some of us (me for instance) are compulsive "pluckers" i.e. one at a time with tweezers. Makes for a very smooth finish that takes ages to grow back, and the activity is a reward in and of itself. Oh, and the leather thing, it's not just the look and feel, it's also the smell of it that's irresistible. == If you go to your local chemist and look in the section where they keep depilatory creams and waxing strips etc, you'll find a range of "aftercare" products that are designed for use in those sensitive areas. But I don't really like shaving, not because it gives me a rash but because sharp stubble appears within 12 hours or less. Root removal is the only way to go for me. I would recommend tweezers rather than an electric depilator, which is great on legs but the couple of times I've used it on my pubes I've had nasty ingrowths. Stretch the skin slightly, grip the hair close to the root and pull gently, firmly and evenly and the whole hair just lifts out and you won't see it again for weeks. Don't yank, or it'll break off just beneath the skin and may ingrow. But yes, I think the only final solution to unwanted hair is electrolysis. There is actually a chatroom on the topic of hair removal at http://www.hairfree.com/chat Wednesday nights 8.00pm Central time (which I think is about 2.00am for us). == Shaving in a warm (but not hot) bath works well for me... == Depilation for the Terrified, by Kate Body hair -- who needs it ? Well I suppose it does have some potential for fun: I once knew a man who shaved his pubic hair star-shaped and dyed it electric blue. Personally, though, I prefer to be hairless, and this is something I share with many others in the fetish/BDSM community. There is a great deal of attraction in the look and feel of a thoroughly depilated body, and over the years I have researched and experimented with many different methods of pubic hair removal. I thought I'd share some of this knowledge. Shaving was the obvious first method to try. The benefits of shaving are that it's quick and, once you've had some practice, relatively easy, and shaving as part of a "scene" can be especially rewarding as the recently-shaved area will be extra sensitive ... If you haven't shaved before, you should start by removing as much hair as possible either with scissors or better still a beard trimmer. Follow this with a thorough exfoliation preferably with an anti- bacterial and moisturising scrub. There are many suitable products on the market: I use a tea-tree oil based preparation. Rinse off, and apply the shaving medium of your choice; when shaving the genital area it is probably best to use a product that is recommended for sensitive skin. Using a fresh blade, shave with the grain of the hair, rinse off very thoroughly, then repeat the process this time going against the grain. Only go over the area once in each direction as scraping away at it will just make you sore: if the finish is not as smooth as you'd hoped, it's best to wait 24 hours then do it again. The drawbacks of shaving are that sharp, itchy stubble is likely to appear within hours, and once you get into shaving you really have to do it every day to maintain anything like a smooth finish. Shaving also puts you at risk from ingrowing hairs, causing unpleasant pimples, the bane of all depilation enthusiasts; regular exfoliation should help reduce this problem. Some people experience a rash when they first begin to shave; this will get better over time as the skin adjusts. My experiences with depilatory creams have not been happy, and I would hesitate to recommend them to anyone. I've found creams to give the least smooth finish of any method I've tried, and even the ones that are marketed specifically for the "bikini line" can cause some very unpleasant skin reactions when used over the whole pubic area. Both shaving and creams will need constant refurbishment as re-growth is quite rapid. For a longer-term result, root removal is really the only way to go. Waxing is quick and easy, but can bring tears to the eyes. I've found it less than satisfactory for pubic hair although I've had pleasing results using it on my legs. It tends to be a bit too vicious for such a sensitive area; I suspect it takes some skin away with it as well as the hair, and it doesn't necessarily rip all the hair out by the roots. A certain percentage will simply break off at skin level, and may ingrow. Likewise the electric depilator -- great on legs, troublesome on pubes. Far and away my preferred method is to pluck each hair individually with tweezers. It takes ages but can become quite enjoyable, compulsive even, and gives an excellent long-lasting result. Stretch the skin slightly, grip the hair close to the root, and pull gently, firmly and evenly. The entire hair will lift right out, and it'll be weeks before you see any significant regrowth. Don't yank, or the hair will break and that ingrowth problem will raise it's head again. After you've spent hours removing all the hairs you can see, when your run your hand over the area you will realise that there's still plenty left ... these are fine, newly emergent hairs and are best left alone at first as they break very easily. It's best to wait a few days until there's enough to get hold of, then go over the entire area again. The time and patience involved in this method make it an obvious no-no for anyone on a tight schedule -- my schedule isn't particularly tight but even so I can rarely find the time to do a full plucking job and usually resort to shaving, just plucking around my genital piercings where shaving gets tricky. But really I'd like to kiss unwanted hair goodbye for ever, and it was with this end in mind that I found myself sitting in the waiting room of a very plush, private cosmetic surgery clinic, staring at posters about liposuction and breast enlargement, and flicking through the testimonials from satisfied clients all of whom, strangely enough, seemed to have identical handwriting... I found the immaculately coiffed and made-up woman who came to speak to me about laser treatment slightly disconcerting, and kept catching myself staring at her trying to figure out if she'd had a face lift. "So, how does laser treatment compare with electrolysis?" I asked. "Which is the most effective?" "Electrolysis doesn't work" she told me, with a dismissive toss of her head. "Laser is the only permanent method." I told her I'd heard rumours about burning and scarring, which she played down. Apparently they do a test patch first, at a cost of 50 UK pounds. They cover the area to be a treated with a gel, and simply zap it with a laser and the roots are basically burnt out. Most of the hair is said to come off when the gel is wiped away, the rest should fall out over the next week or two. They recommend a second treatment a few weeks later, to take care of any possible re-growth. "It's great," she said, "It's lovely never to have to bother shaving your legs again ..." "Ah, but I'm not actually all that interested in legs" I said. "It's the pubic area I want to know about. Wouldn't the risk of scarring be greater in such a sensitive area?" "Bikini line?" she asked. "All of it" I replied. She really didn't want to go there... she stopped making eye contact with me, and kept dragging the conversation back to legs. I asked for some literature to take home with me, and went off to keep my next appointment, which was with someone who could tell me about electrolysis. "Is it for your legs?" they asked at the electrolysis place. "No, pubic area" I said. "Bikini line?" "All of it." "I'll just have to have a word with the manageress ..." She came back a couple of minutes later. "No, I'm sorry, we've never done that." I tried one last gambit. "But wouldn't you like to boldly go where no beautician has gone before, just in the interests of research...?" "No." At the next place, I didn't have an appointment, but it was just across the road from the first place so I walked in speculatively and yes, they had time to talk to me. The young woman I spoke to was a bit more in tune with my way of thinking. Yes, they'd done that sort of thing before. Several of their clients had been "models" and "actresses", she told me with a flicker of a smile. I'm neither a "model" nor an "actress", but I let that pass because she was obviously catching my drift. "So how does electrolysis compare with laser treatment?" I asked. "Lasers don't work," she said. "Electrolysis is the only permanent method." They use a small device that looks a little like a ball-point pen, with a fine needle in the end. The needle is inserted into the hair root and a mild electrical charge kills the follicle. "Are there any side effects or scarring associated with it?" I asked. "Not really," she replied. "Some people find it a bit upsetting if they don't like needles... " she glanced first at my multiple-pierced ear lobes and then down at the tattoo on my wrist "...but you'll probably be alright". As each hair has to be treated individually, it does take a very long time. Still, at 25 UK pounds an hour it probably still works out cheaper than laser treatment, for which I was quoted 400 UK pounds for a "bikini line," and I think it's probably safer. I really need to find an establishment that offers both services, then I might stand a better chance of getting an unbiased opinion on which is the most effective method. At both places I was very aware that I was talking to people who were trying to sell me something, and didn't want me to take my money anywhere else. One day I might try the laser test patch, but for now, I think I'll just break open a fresh pack of razor blades ... * CROSS-DRESSING About cross-dressing: many men enjoy dressing in female clothes, either because the clothes feel good, look good, or are humiliating to wear. Whatever the reason, there's no doubt that lots of people enjoy this sort of thing. Makeup is often part of this sort of play, as well. Many women also enjoy dressing up as men; switching gender roles can open up a vast range of possibilities. Some people call this "gender-fuck" -- i.e. fucking with one's perceptions of gender, or fucking someone who's assuming a different gender, or both. There is a spectrum of attitudes among those who play like this. Some just enjoy wearing opposite-sex clothes because they feel nice. Some fantasise about actually being a person of the opposite sex, and use those fantasies in their scenes. Some people want to take it to the point of going out in public dressed as, and acting like, the other gender so accurately that they pass -- i.e. are mistaken for the gender that they're assuming. They may find doing this enjoyable because of the fun in faking people out, and/or the thrill of successfully transforming oneself into one's fantasy image. Some people actually feel that their biological sex is fundamentally at odds with the gender they feel themselves to be. They may feel like a man who happened to be born with a woman's body, or vice versa. These people are known as transsexuals, and may have operations to change their bodies and genitals to more closely correspond to the gender they most identify with. Transsexuals are still very widely stigmatised; it is not easy to live in this very gender-based and sex-role-oriented society if you don't conform to the standard pattern, and transsexuals definitely do not. And while many of the kinds of genderfuck I mentioned are "play", transsexuals are not playing; their gender identity is a vitally serious issue to them. (Though when they _want_ to play, there are few people who know more about it :-) It's important to realise that these groups of people are distinct; just because a man enjoys wearing panties underneath his business suit does not mean he has any desire to get a sex-change operation. As with all aspects of human sexuality, gender and gender play encompasses a wide array of levels, and honest communication is the only way to know what a particular person is into. Gender play can be combined with all the other things in this list to create some extraordinarily powerful sex magick. As always, listen to your desires, decide how much you actually want to make real (and how quickly), communicate, and play! ------------------------------ Subject: 1.2.6 Is BDSM insane, unnatural or degrading? Often people approach BDSM with nothing but negative stereotypes in their mind. The will-less slave dominated by the overbearing thoughtless master. The pervert who enjoys being hit because he thinks he deserves no better. These images, negatively charged with connotations of abuse, do not reflect the reality of consensual BDSM. First, were BDSM people abused as children? This is a common stereotype. Straw polls of people on a.s.b seem to indicate no particular pattern of abuse, and there have been very few, if any, scientific studies of the question. Some people see an increased correlation, but there is little actual evidence. This stereotype is usually just _assumed_ to be true, as an expression of BDSM-negativity -- "Oh, anyone who likes that must have been really damaged as a kid." Similar claims were once widely made about homosexuals and homosexuality. (As one data point, I personally wasn't abused as a child, for which I'm grateful. And I'm very into various aspects of BDSM, for which I'm also grateful.) In general, in fact, no one seems to have any idea of why some people enjoy BDSM behaviours or fantasies, and others don't. Rather like no one really knows what determines sexual orientation, or preferred body type, or much of anything else where human sexuality is concerned. The notion of a "normal" sexuality is widely overrated... the range of variations is incredible. Once you actually look at people who are involved in BDSM, and at what they do, you realise that what is actually happening is a powerful expression of love, which expands into sensual realms outside the ordinary. True BDSM is consensual, strengthening, and sustaining; true degradation is _not_. Therein lies the difference, and it is truly an all-important difference. Occasional debates here revolve around the (relatively few) people who practice full-time (24/7 -- i.e. 24-hours-a-day, 7-days-a-week) dominant/submissive relationships. Such relationships require lots of self- inquiry and self-examination to see that both partners are benefiting and growing. Sometimes the claim is made that such BDSM relationships are just ways for the dominant to break down their submissive's will, and to accept abuse because the submissive (according to the dominant, and perhaps also in the submissive's own opinion) deserves no better. (This is essentially what a wife-battering husband does: he takes control of his wife's self-perception, and convinces her that the abuse