uk.people.bdsm FAQ
Newsgroups: uk.people.bdsm
Subject: uk.people.bdsm FAQ v0.5 (2/3: BDSM in general)
Followup-To: uk.people.bdsm
Summary: General information about B&D, D&S, S&M and the Net.
Archive-name: uk/bdsm-faq/part2
Posting-Frequency: monthly
Last-modified: GMT 1998-04-28 22:00:00
Version: 0.5
Maintainer: Pallando
Archive-URL:
Copyright: see ans 0.2
------------------------------
Subject: 1.0.0 What is BDSM?
Literally, "BDSM" is the contraction of "B&D", "D&S" and S&M".
In practice the term is often used in a more general sense to
cover the range of interests common in the BDSM Scene, such as
fetishes, body modification and alternative sexualities, and
it implies activities done Safely, Sanely and Consensually (SSC).
Briefly, SSC means respecting your partner's body, mind & free will.
(For more detail see ans 1.1, 1.2 & 1.3)
------------------------------
Subject: 1.0.1 Why do you choose to use the term "BDSM" for that?
Consider the alternatives:
"SM" - doesn't cover D&S
"bondage" - doesn't cover S&M
"kinky" - Has negative connotations in some areas
"pervy" - Has negative connotations in most areas
"Wiitwd" - Not used off the Net. (means: What it is that we do)
"BDSM" is widely understood within the Scene, is not offensive to vanillas,
and is sufficiently specific to be useful while being inclusive enough not
to leave large groups within the Scene feeling rejected.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.0.2 What is 'the' Scene? Am I part of it?
"a toy" - a piece of equipment that you use for BDSM (eg a whip).
"to play" - to participate in a BDSM activity (eg spanking). It does
not imply any particular level of seriousness or reality.
"a scene" - an uninterrupted session during which the participants
are actually playing, and can last from seconds to a
lifetime. It does not have to have an audience, nor
does it imply roleplay, S&M, or any one specific element.
"the Scene" - the BDSM community. It can mean both the people who
play together, and the events that bring them together.
If you believe in doing BDSM activities, and you identify with the Scene,
then you are part of it. There is no entrance exam, no initiation ritual,
you don't have to be into any particular aspect of BDSM nor do you have to
be a recognised public player. There is no particular virtue in being an
old or heavy player; so don't be intimidated if you are not, you are just
as welcome here. (See also ans 1.2.4 and ans 1.5.4)
------------------------------
Subject: 1.0.3 What is B&D?
"B&D" stands for "Bondage and Discipline".
"controler" - one who wants to control someone's physical actions
"controlee" - one who wants their physical actions to be controlled
Control can be physical (via bondage) or psychological (via discipline).
"bondage" - any form of physical restraint or hinderance. Devices
commonly used include cuffs, ropes, chains, corsets,
gags, blindfolds and large pieces of furniture, or a
controller can immobilised a controlee with no devices
at all - just by sitting on them. ;-)
Bondage is often combined with inflicting pain, and
tight bondage or uncomfortable positions can be used
in order to inflict pain, however that is not intrinsic
to bondage. Bondage can also be used to stimulate the
body - Japanese rope bondage is not only an art form,
it deliberatly uses knots to massage sensitive points.
"discipline" - the use of rules and punishment to control overt behaviour.
Punishment can be pain caused physically (such as caning),
humiliation caused physically (such as a public enema) or
loss of freedom caused physically (such as chaining the
controlee to the foot of a bed, for snoring). Bondage
when used as a punishment is still bondage, but because
it is overtly being done in response to a 'rule' being
broken, it is also part of the discipline.
Punishment does not need to be physical. It can be loss
of priviledges (such as having an orgasm this month), being
ordered to do a task (such as writing lines on a blackboard)
on threat of further punishment if not finished correctly,
it can be verbal humiliation, or really any act that you
can inflict on the controlee or get them to inflict on
themselves that they don't like. Rules can be applied
randomly by dominants as a tool for disorienting a sub,
or by a sadist in order to have an excuse to inflict lots
of fun pain, but a disciplinarian is one who enjoys gaining
control over someone's physical actions and apparent
behaviour by training them to obey stated rules.
Discipline is often combined with playing roles such as student/teacher,
worker/boss, nurse/doctor or servant/noble, to give a context for the rules.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.0.4 What is D&S?
"D&S" stands for "Domination and Submission".
It can also be written "Ds", "D/s", "D&s" or "D/S".
"dominant" - one who wants to dominate someone (also "dom" or "Dom")
"submissive" - one who wants to submit to someone (also "sub")
Domination is the gain and use of control over a sub's emotional reactions
by the manipulation of their mind and body. This may or may not be then
used to discipline their physical actions; it can be sufficient to own
their soul, but tangible proof of ownership is often found enjoyable.
The difference between Discipline and Dominance is that the Disciplinarian
cares that the bottom does obey, while not minding whether they wanted to
or not. The Dominant cares that the bottom wants to obey, and only minds
whether they do actually obey in as much as it proves that they wanted to.
Of course someone who is into both D&S and B&D would care about both things.
In BDSM relationships the dominant should take the submissive's interests
and needs into account, however this is not the same as saying they will
do everything the sub wants or enjoys.
Submission is the voluntary offering up of control over one's own volition.
Perfecting a genuine selflessness and desire to serve, worship and obey can
be a lifelong project, however there are many forms of D&S relationship and
the dominant does not usually gain control totally or hold it permanently.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.0.5 What is S&M?
"S&M" stands for "Sadism and Masochism" or "SadoMasochism".
It can also be written "SM" or "S/M".
"sadist" - one who wants to inflict physical pain
"masochist" - one who wants to receive physical pain
The terms "Sadism" and "Masochism" originated with two real people whose
names medicine used for the respective conditions, however S&M as it is
practiced as part of BDSM has little to do with the clinical conditions
as defined in DSMIV so I shall ignore them here (details in ans 1.2.5).
"physical mods" - a deliberate and ornamental change in the body's structure
that does not risk impairing needed functionality.
(eg an ear piercing)
"physical hurt" - a painful insult to the body, causing only repairable
physical damage. Any impairment must be limited to less
than a finite planned maximum in magnitude and duration.
"physical harm" - physical damage that risks unacceptable or indeterminate
impairment of needed functionality
In S&M the aim is to inflict sensations (such as physical hurt) without
causing physical harm. There are many devices available to help a
sadist do this. Among the most popular ones dedicated to this purpose
are paddles, floggers, straps, canes, crops, whips, cats and clamps.
Hands, candles, ice cubes, needles, knives, feathers and electricity
can be just as fun. Hardware stores are fun to visit with a kinky mind.
Not everyone responds to sensations in the same way. Some people prefer
a stingy cane to a heavy paddle. Some people prefer tickling to a cane.
Some people prefer a paddle to tickling. There is no right or wrong
amount of pain to be able to withstand, nor is there a correct way it
should feel to you. (See in particular ans 1.2.3)
------------------------------
Subject: 1.0.6 What other general BDSM terms are there?
"master" - someone into D&S who has a specific relationship with a sub
"slave" - someone into D&S who has a specific relationship with a dom
These terms are used in a great variety of conflicting ways.
They might be used by one couple when doing a one off role
playing scene, based on historical slavery. Another couple
may define their whole relationship on that basis, using
welded collars, powers of atourney and a 24/7 no safeword
agreement to make it as permanent as possible.
"top" - someone who is a controler, dominant and/or sadist
"bottom" - someone who is a controlee, submissive and/or masochist
These used to have slightly different meanings in the
gay community. In this context they are just generic
terms that do not imply whether the player is heavily
into D&S or not.
By definition:
all masters are dominants
all dominants are tops
all slaves are submissives
all submissives are bottoms
but not necessarily vice versa, and nothing is implied about whether
the player has any interest in S&M or B&D. To confuse matters further,
some men will describe themselves as masters, without being dominant,
in hope of getting to play with submissives. Mistress is a fairly
direct equivalent term for women, but Sir, Lord, Lady, Madam, Goddess,
or any other formal title probably indicates an interest in topping.
"SAM" - Smart Assed Masochist. Used to mean a bottom who is
into S&M but not D&S, and who behaves in a disrespectful
manner in order to get more punishments. Dates from '70s
Also used perjoratively to mean someone who tries to take
total control of a scene while claiming to be submissive.
"YKINMK" - Your Kink Is Not My Kink
"MKIBTYK" - My Kink Is Better Than Your Kink
"YKINOK" - Your Kink Is Not Okay
"YKIOK,IJNMK" - Your Kink is OK, It's Just Not My Kink
"AKIBTN" - Any Kink Is Better Than None"
"TMPTAWWTLO" - The Missionary Position Twice A Week With The Lights Off
"vanilla" - something not part of the Scene. Often used to describe
parts of your life, as well as people or activities.
Usage is similar to that of "mundane" by the SF community.
Its use is sometimes considered perjorative, (though not
by gourmets who eat the real thing, apparently :-), and
probably should not be used to include alternative sexual
practices that are part of BDSM in the wider sense.
"missionaries" - If vanilla sex is what you imagine your parents having,
then 'missionaries' are more "It's my birthday. Do you
reckon you can go on top tonight darling?". Pejorative.
"munch" - Social meet of an online BDSM group. May or may not
include food, drink and or play. Will include talk and fun.
"edge play" - There is disagreement on what this means. Some people use
it to refer to play on the edge of consensuality (eg pushing
limits). Others mean the edge of safety (eg play that has a
significant risk of causing death or permanent damage). It
can therefore be of vital importance to know which definition
your potential top is using.
"torture" - BDSM with a heavy S&M element and strict control
------------------------------
Subject: 1.1.0 "Safe"
Playing safely does not mean giving up all dangerous activities.
It means taking reasonable care that you know what risks of physical
harm are associated with any activities you consider trying; and, if
you decide to go ahead, planning those activities with due thought to
optimising the balance between risk and reward for everybody involved.
If you are the top, and you are tying your
bottom up, keep your attention on what you're doing. Your bottom is
going to be blissing out; it's up to you to see that they're
comfortable and kept amused. The "amusement" can be as nasty as you
please, but see that they don't get _bored_; that's seldom fun.)
Many tops come up with an SM safety kit, containing (among other
things) such items as a flashlight, duplicate keys for _all_ locks,
bandage scissors (with one flat blade) for speedy bondage removal, a
first aid kit with all the standard first aid items, disinfectant
(such as Bactine or Hibiclens) for toys which come in contact with
bodily fluids, safer sex supplies (sometimes including several
varieties of lubricant--different people like different sorts), and so
on. See _SM 101_ (a book listed in ans 1.6.1) for an
excellent description of such a kit.
Pay attention to what you're doing and use common sense and you'll
likely be fine. In general, start out slow and PRACTICE! See the
rest of the answers 1.1.* for activity specific hints and howtos.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.1.1 Whips. Floggers. Paddles. Canes. Crops. Hands. Feet.
One way of thinking about whipping is as another way of touching
someone. People who are just getting into SM frequently play with
spanking; it's fun to be spanked! It's a punishment, it's a strong
stimulus, it hurts very pleasurably. But if you've ever spanked
anyone for a long time you know that your spanking hand wears out
quickly!
Well, that's what whips are for--to allow you to hit someone for a
longer time, without tiring out. There are many varieties of whips
(cat-o-nine tails, heavy floggers, canes, light braided switches,
suede pussy whips, and on and on), all of which feel very different
and which have their own individual effect. A whip-loving top will
often carry a veritable arsenal of different floggers, but they are
all extensions of the top's touch. Indeed, when I whip or cane
someone, I feel as though I _am_ touching them--as though the
instrument is an extension of my arm and my desire.
There are deeper reasons why the variety is so diverse. A whipping
scene will often start off very lightly, with the top using a small
whip to sensitize the bottom and get them into the rhythm of the
scene, switching to heavier and heavier whips as the bottom gets
deeper and deeper, more and more receptive to additional sensation.
Of course, the top may choose to lead the bottom on any kind of
tactile journey the top desires--switching from stinging light
switches to biting canes to soft fleeces. (Yes, it can feel GREAT
when your top stops hitting you and suddenly brushes a velvet cloth
against your back! Or maybe an ice cube....) It's all about physical
sensation.
Quite often people in the scene describe whips as being "thuddy" or
"stingy". Thuddy whips land with a solid impact; they shove you, they
feel like a cross between a hug and a punch. Stingy whips land with a
bite; they feel like a cross between a scratch and a slap. Both kinds
of sensation are enjoyable in different ways, and a skilled top can
alternate thud and sting (and then some!) to create waves of sensation
that wash their bottom into ecstasy.
Most people enjoy a slow buildup when being whipped. This can
culminate in an explosive climax of impacts, leaving both top and
bottom drained and delighted. Or it can wind down gently, ending
casually. Or it can stop feeling good suddenly, resulting in a
safweord. Or it can turn into a galloping intense sex scene! But the
general "start slow, build up, end intensely" tempo is common to many
SM scenes: from gentle to stronger to WOW and then back to gentle,
then a little stronger, then WOW!!... and gentle again. It's the
motion of the ocean, as they say. It takes practice to know how to
use this to blow your bottom's mind, but the more you learn, the more
skilled you will be, and believe me, these skills-- teasing your
partner and making them feel better and better and BETTER --are very
useful in non-SM contexts as well!
Whips aren't the end of the story. Some people use paddles--of
leather or wood, sometimes with holes cut in them to decrease air
resistance and make for a harder impact. Paddles produce a solid
"smack!" which can feel like a super-powerful spanking. Some players
like canes, which can be thick or thin, stiff or relatively flexible.
Canes can produce some of the strongest impacts of all--the "whick!"
of a quick-moving cane is distinctive. Not everyone can handle the
intensely focused pain canes can produce, but those who can tend to
greatly enjoy it. Wooden spoons and kitchen spatulas have been
pressed into service as instruments of flagellation. For a while,
Nerf bats were very popular in some San Francisco parties I went to.
(Bonk!) If none of this makes any sense to you, well, if you have to
ask, you might not understand.
Whipping or spanking is sometimes used as part of a "punishment"
scene, in which the pretext for the scene is that the bottom has been
disobedient or naughty in some way which requires chastisement. This
can be fun to do as role-playing, but it may not work in a more
long-term D&S dynamic. Bottoms often find it erotic to receive
non-damaging sensation from their top--and of course any scene causing
permanent damage is not safe nor sane. If your bottom learns that the
best way to get enjoyably beaten is to misbehave, you will have a very
bad bottom on your hands. It is often then best to separate "play"
punishments--which are intended to be fun-- from "real" punishments
involving seriously broken agreements. Here is where reality and
fantasy need to be delicately separated, and here is where the real
world differs from S&M fiction.
When whipping someone, be careful. Heavy whipping is usually done on
the back or ass, simply because those are the parts of the body which
can take it most readily. Be careful of hitting the spine, which can
break the skin where the vertebrae come close to the surface. Stay
away from the kidneys, as kidney damage can occur if you hit them too
hard. Stay away from the neck, for the same reasons you avoided the
spine.
Be aware that if you hit someone hard enough (which may be lighter
than you'd think) you will bruise them, and if you keep going you can
break the skin, which is decidedly unsafe sex; and leather or string
whips are tough to clean. For this reason, some dedicated masochists
have their own toys which have come in contact with their blood, and
henceforth can be used only on them. Whippings like this are very
strenuous, but as with all SM, you can start out light and get only as
heavy as you want! Bruises will heal (even large ones), as will light
cuts or abrasions, but you should know how to avoid unintended damage
that won't be so accomodating.
One thing to watch for (a distant risk, but worth knowing): melanoma,
a form of skin cancer, can be worsened by skin trauma. If you see a
mole on your bottom's back that looks uneven, discolored, or different
than it used to, avoid that area, and have them see a dermatologist.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.1.2 Restraint. Suspension. Mummification.
Make sure your bottom's extremities don't start getting cold or
turning blue; those are both sure signs that blood isn't flowing the
way it ought to, and that isn't what you want to have happen. If your
bottom's hands are bound inside mittens or some other place that's not
accessible to you, ask them to wiggle their fingers or toes or
whatever and see if they're losing any feeling. It can be tricky to
tie someone up without making it too tight; in general, a good rule is
to tie loosely with lots of turns of rope. You can tighten such a tie
with just another turn around all the rest, and it can be a real drag
to have a bottom's foot fall asleep in the middle of a scene; this
kind of thing can feel very annoying and distracting, and can make it
hard for your bottom to concentrate on what you are making them feel.
Silk scarves, bandannas, etc. also have this problem with tightening
under tension; sometimes they get so tight they have to be cut off.
If you're a novice, you may want to avoid these hassles by purchasing
a pair of basic ankle and wrist cuffs (in leather, velcro, or what-
ever) at an adult toy store; and if you get embarrassed, remember the
old standby excuse: "It's a gag wedding gift!"
Handcuffs are sexy, but they can also be a pain. Shoddy cuffs (the
kind you buy at the sporting goods store) are liable to break while
being worn--then you have to file them off. If you want to play with
handcuffs, get a good quality pair; the usual brand is Peerless, and
they'll cost about $30, with a double lock so you can snap them on and
then lock them so they won't get tighter under pressure (as cheap
cuffs will). Handcuffs are also bare metal, and aren't good to
struggle against, as they can easily pinch nerves... padded, buckling
bondage cuffs are better for those sorts of games.
Do not leave a bound person alone. Though it is a hot fantasy to tie
someone up in some precarious position (possibly with vibrators or
other devices buzzing away) and leave them to stew, in reality you
must consider: what if the house is burgled? catches on fire?
earthquake? any sort of emergency? Fun is fun, but a helpless person
is just that: helpless. A willing partner is too precious to take
risks with.
Be very careful about tying anything around the neck; anything that
puts any pressure AT ALL on the front of the neck can lead to uncon-
sciousness quickly, as the carotid arteries go right to the brain.
Likewise be careful with gags or things tied in the mouth; as well as
restricting breathing, they can trigger a gag reflex, which could be
really nasty if the bottom can't get the gag out. See the advice in
question 3 on safewords for use while gagged.
Also, be aware that if someone is standing for any length of time in
any sort of tight bondage, it can lead to less circulation to their
head; if you suddenly do something intense to that person, it may
trigger a headrush which could easily result in a faint. Always use
hooks which can be released instantly even with the bottom's full
weight on them (these are sometimes called "panic snaps" and can be
found in good hardware stores), and keep a pair of bandage scissors
handy in case ropes or straps need to be cut loose.
Be careful what you tie your bottom to; if an exposed water pipe is
handy, be aware it may heat up. Likewise with candles; be careful
when you're waving flame around someone who's bound, as they can't
flinch the way unbound people can.
If you don't have anything handy to tie someone to, you can always tie
their wrists behind their back and then to their waist. Or if your
bed doesn't hae any posts, you can wrap ropes around the legs of the
bed and spread-eagle your bottom that way. In general, there are a
million ways to tie someone up, and a little practice--on your bottom
or on yourself!--will let you improvise in almost any situation.
Below I list a few sorts of common bondage devices mentioned here in
stories and postings. If you read a term here which you don't
understand, write me and I'll add a description.
* Mummification or Cocooning: About the most complete form of bondage is
to wrap someone up so they are completely immobile. The most popular
way to mummify someone is with plastic wrap. A common technique is to
wrap each limb separately, then wrap the arms to the sides, and then
wrap the legs together--and then help the bottom lie down on an
adjacent soft surface. You can then cut holes (carefully!) to access
any especially sensitive areas, or wrap duct tape over it all for
extra security, or add gags, blindfolds, etc. One way the body
releases heat is by sweating, and while mummified you can't sweat too
much, so make sure your bottom doesn't overheat--and have a blanket
ready to cover them with when you cut them out of their cocoon, using
the bandage scissors (obtainable from medical supply stores--one flat
blade makes cutting easier) which you of course have ready to hand.
And as always, monitor your bottom very carefully; they are helpless,
and your neglect or inattention could spell disaster.
* Hoods: Many leather stores and artisans make bondage hoods. These are
typically constricted of leather or rubber. Some have simple zippers,
and you zip them up to secure them. Others have laces on the back
and/ or the sides, to enable the hood to be laced more tightly, for
greater bondage effect. Some hoods have eye holes, some don't. Some
hoods have mouth holes, some don't. Some deluxe hoods have built-in
earmuffs or even space for earphones, for sensory deprivation. Almost
all hoods have nose holes, for obvious reasons. Hoods can restrict a
bottom's breathing quite seriously, and tops must remain continually
aware of their bottom's condition while their bottom is wearing a
hood--especially if the hood is combined with any form of gag. Do not
leave a hooded bottom alone; breathing difficulty can come on quickly.
Some people believe that any hood without a zipper or other
extra-quick-release mechanism is too dangerous to use on a bottom. In
any case, you should have some bandage scissors at the ready if the
hood needs to be removed in a big hurry. See ans 1.1.3 for more safety
* Bodybags: If you like being bound, the ultimate extreme is bondage
which encompasses your entire body, leaving you with no motion
whatever. Bondage bodybags (or "sleepsacks") resemble a
well-tailored, snug sleeping bag, often made out of leather or
spandex. Spandex bodybags are the least expensive, and if made from
heavy enough spandex can be very restrictive indeed. Often bodybags
have an opening at the upper end, through which you slide your feet,
pulling the bag up to your neck. Many have other openings for
genitals or nipples, so your botttom can be pleasured or tortured
while immobile. Leather bodybags can be arbitrarily complex (and
expensive); some have built-in internal arm sleeves to further
minimize motion, or suspension straps so the bag, bottom and all, can
be lifted into the air. Some have laces around the outside so the bag
can be cinched to a downright painful tightness. If you REALLY have
money to burn, you can even get inflatable rubber bodybags--get in it
and pump it up, and float away! Caveats about breathing and quick-
release apply here as well.
* Hobble skirts: Fetish clothing is often designed not just to look good
and feel good, but to act almost as bondage in its own right. Hobble
skirts are a perfect example: they are simply skirts which fit very
snugly from waist down to ankles. Often the wearer can take steps of
only a few inches while wearing the skirt (thus the term "hobble
skirt"). When combined with a pair of high heels, these skirts can be
almost totally immobilizing, even without any other bondage. Leather
or rubber are (again) the typical materials, though some dedicated
tailors make their own from velvet or satin or other sensuous
materials.
* Armbinders: Restraints, typically leather, that bind both arms behind
the back. Some resemble large gloves that pull up over both arms and
buckle around the shoulders. Others are straps that go down the
middle of the back and have attached wrist cuffs. In general, there
are lots of kinds of bondage gear, and you can even invent your
own....
------------------------------
Subject: 1.1.3 Gags. Breath control. Sensory Deprivation.
**** GAGS
Gags are devices used to muffle sounds or limit ability to communicate
verbally. Besides the practical aspects, gags can have a significant
psychological impact.
They can be used to humiliate or degrade a person, to induce
animalistic connotations and to depersonalize.
There are many different types of gags ranging from homemade items to
the expensive accoutrement sold at fetish and leather shops. All
these different types of gags can be used to induce a variety of
effects in the wearer.
*** TYPES OF GAGS
** BASIC HOMEMADE GAGS
Homemade gags include gagging with scarves, panties (soiled and
otherwise) socks and duct tape. These are probably the most effective
in actual noise reduction, however they do have serious safety
considerations to be taken into account.
Socks and panties and be stuffed into the mouth and secured in place
with tape or a scarf. Besides muffling noise this can be very
humiliating especially when items used are soiled in some way.
Duct tape is a favorite when used in a rape or kidnapping scenario,
heightening the intensity and reality of such *play*. it is a also
inexpensive, quick to put on and equally quick (and painful ) to
remove.
* SPECIAL SAFETY CONSIDERATIONS
Inhalation or swallowing of the gag (or part of the gag) is probably
the most important concern with these gags and the person wearing the
gag should be watched carefully. It may be a good to wrap the item
around a rope across the mouth to keep it from being inhaled. The Top
should have a good understanding of the bottoms non-verbal
communications.
Dry mouth is another concern as if the mouth becomes too dry
swallowing can be very difficult. This can also induce gagging
and choking.
** ADVANCED GAGS
Advanced gags include ball, wedge, inflatable, bit and harnesses.
These come in a variety of configurations from a securing strap to
complex full head affairs. They can be made of rubber, leather , or
nylon webbing and are available in fetish shops or mail order, or the
more adventurous of us can make your own. Metal bits should be
avoided as they pose a danger of chipping teeth.
* BALL GAGS
A ball gag is basically a rubber or leather ball attached to a strap
that is secured around the head. The ball can be rather small to very
large. These have a tendency to open the jaw very wide, and to cause
the wearer to salivate profusely. They have a deep humiliating effect
for some people, mostly due to involuntary drool and the loss of
control it implies ( the *drool factor*).
* WEDGE GAGS
These are similar to the ball gag except they are wedge shaped and
less severe. They can be worn more comfortably by some, for extended
periods of time. However some people are more sensitive to a *gag
reflex* with these gags. They have the added advantage of giving a
bottom *something to bite down on* while being whipped or otherwise
abused.
* INFLATABLE GAGS
These are usually rubber gags inflated by means of a bulb, with a
valve allowing the person to release air as required. Inflatable gags
come in many shapes and sizes ranging from the typical ball gag to
penis shaped and wedge gags. Care should be taken not to overinflate
the gag, and the top should check the subs reaction after each
inflation.
* BITS
Bit gags are usually rubber or leather, although some people may use
wood or metal (in our opinion, not a good idea) Psychologically these
are very effective in inducing animalistic reactions and in
dehumanizing the bottom. Because of the obvious connotations these
are popular in pony club circles and other animal play enthusiasts.
* TOUNGE CLAMPS
Though not technically gags, tongue clamps serve well to impair speech
significantly, much like the traditional *Scold's Bridle*. Metal or
wood vices are available to grip the tongue. These are usually
attached to a head harness or other external means of support.
Variations can be made through common household items such as
chopsticks secured with leather thongs or rubber bands. These have
almost no effect on noise, but make speech impossible, adding to
feelings of helplessness and humiliation. These can become quite
painful and the bottom will drool significantly.
* HEAD HARNESSES
One of the most effective and comfortable gag is a head harness. This
is a kind of leather version of a scolds bridle. It has adjustable
straps so the whole thing can be tightened suitably. The actual gag
part is a wedge gag. The harness has straps which cross over
underneath the jaw and fasten around the back of the neck, effectively
clamping your jaw up onto the wedge. This is more severe in that the
entire head is encased making the wearer feel more controlled,
animalistic and humiliated.
This gag is more constricting than any other. It is also easily
grabbed from any angle,so offers more physical control of the bottom
to the top. Care should be taken to not jerk the head too violently.
Some harnesses also have attachments to facilitate blindfolds, to
further add to the vulnerability of the bottom.
*** SAFTEY
General safety considerations include being able to remove the gag
immediately if a problem arises. It would be a bad idea to use a gag
that locks in place, unless you are willing to cut it off. Care should
be taken to avoid eating large quantities beforehand and alcohol and
drugs should be avoided.
If you use a safeword, or are new to gags, it is a good idea to have a
nonverbal signal of distress. This can range from shaking the head in
a predetermined fashion to an item held in the hand and dropping it
when in trouble. For obvious reasons a grunt or moan is not the best
option.
When finding a gag, check carefully to ensure that no part of it can
be bitten or torn off posing a danger of choking to the bottom. The
gagged person shouldn't be left unattended, and a person with a cold
or blocked nose shouldn't be gagged.
Large gags should not be used on someone with Tempero-mandibular Joint
Dysfunction (TMJ) . TMJ sufferers also should not be required to have
their mouth open or extended periods of time. Test a persons limits
with a gag (and every gag) before leaving them in place for any period
of time. Any person may begin to feel pain with gags, especially
large ball gags. This pain can soon become excruciating.
Persons with false teeth or bridges should consider removing them
before using a gag.
Always have a pair of safety scissors or other cutting device on hand
when using gags as emergencies can arise quicker than one expects.
*** GRUNTS, MOANS, AND OTHER ODD NOISES
or
Other effects of wearing a gag
Gags are humiliating because of the grunts, moans and other odd noises
the bottom makes from behind the gag. Though the gag is also
frustrating because you cannot speak, it can also be comforting when
experiencing severe treatment for two reasons. Firstly because you
can scream to your hearts content and secondly, because it gives
you something solid to bite on.
Being gagged, especially when it is combined with any other type of
sensory deprivation ,ie being blindfolded or having your ears plugged,
makes the bottom extremely aware of their vulnerability and also can
make them conscious of the fact that they can easily be turned into
no more than just an object if the top desires it.
One of a bottoms main fears about being gagged is that anything could
happen to them and they wouldn't be able to protest verbally. It's
the increased vulnerability and explicit physical control (especially
when combined with being bound in some way) that instills this fear.
That poses the question of whether, psychologically, something is
easier to deal with if you can shout and scream your protests
before/while something is being done to you?
**** BREATH CONTROL
Some people enjoy playing with cutting off their air during heavy
scenes. This can be as simple as squeezing someone's neck while you
kiss them deeply, or as complex as a full-head latex hood and gas mask
over a straitjacket. As your air is cut off, you can feel sensation
more intensely; it is also a deeply intimate thing to allow someone
else to be in control of the very air you breathe. One simple
explanation is that the body's natural reaction as orgasm approaches
is shallow, rapid breathing--just like in breath control.
Needless to say, there are many things that can go very wrong; if you
pass out and someone isn't there to cut you loose and make sure you're
breathing, you can die. Not for novices. One simple way to start is
to try squeezing your lover's neck gently as you make love to them.
If it feels good, they will let you know, most demonstratively. And
you can stop instantly just by letting go. In _any_ form of breath
control, it is critical that all equipment be fail-safe, and that the
bottom's breathing is only impaired by the top's _direct_ action--not
by anything (noose, gas mask, etc) that would continue to obstruct air
if the top (for example) fainted suddenly.
Many people die each year practicing "autoerotic
asphyxiation"--wherein someone will masturbate while restricting their
own breathing, and one night they wait too long to take the bag off
their head or release the pressure on their neck, and they black out
and die. Some think, "Well, just play with a partner, then, if you
want to black out." However, losing consciousness, even for a moment,
_can_ trigger cardiac arrest. This is why making your bottom black
out is almost certainly a much riskier idea than you would think.
The same goes for anesthesia. Sometimes people think, "Hmm, it'd be
hot if I could drug my play partner--like in the movies--and she'd
wake up all bound!" Even if your play partner likes this idea, don't
do it. There is no safe way to force someone into unconsciousness;
anesthesiologists spend their lives learning how to do it, with the
best equipment, and still mishaps occur. Don't play with ether, or
chloroform, or suffocation to unconsciousness... unless you and your
partner really want to take a substantial risk of death. More
experienced people than you have died.
See for more details.
**** Sensory Deprivation
I think one of the most important things to watch for with hoods is
the *after effects* of using them. The person who has just had a hood
removed may be shaky, disoriented, unable to think clearly or to
perform simple tasks (ie standing up, walking) They may also be
unable to communicate these problems. Some people suddenly weep
uncontrollably and its up to the Top to know what they need in that
situation. They may seem fine but be experiencing a sense of
disconnectedness and need to be watched carefully and helped where
appropriate. These symptoms can last anywhere from a few minutes to a
few hours. These symptoms are a surprise to inexperienced (and
experienced!!---every time is different)
Since any deprivation of any sense can be
considered sensory deprivation, then every time someone puts on a
blindfold, they are practicing SD.
SD is very attractive to many, and a powerful tool that can be used,
abused, improved or mis-handled. I had my psyche classes, did some
research, and from time to time have even worked with interregators. It
has amazing power: constructive, destructive, playful, and useful. It
can help one focus (on one thing or many) or it can be used to disorient
and warp. And it comes in a million shapes, sizes and degrees. So while
some is very light and playful and relatively safe, some can be
potentially catastraphic.
And let's not forget sensory overload. It's as powerful, if not more
so, and everyone seems to forget about it. Although in most respects, it
goes hand in hand with SD and often they can overlap.
I know I'm being vague and maybe even sounding paranoid. I just want
to drive home the point that it can be a VERY powerful tool. I play with
it quite often, as well as Sensory Overload. And I recommend some
aspects of it to most D/s'ers. Just be careful if you are doing anything
too heavy or too prolonged. You can feel ecstatic, feel scared out of
your mind, feel perfectly normal, be totally confused and lost, or any
strange combination of the above after a prolonged or heavy scene.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.1.4 Cutting. Burning. Branding. Wax. Electricity.
[ Laurence is writing something on Electricity.
Anybody want to cover Cutting, Branding or Wax? ]
**** Fire
First of all it's true what your mum and dad said - playing with fire is
dangerous. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do it, just that you should
remember it is dangerous. The following is advice from someone who has
been a fire performer for fifteen years and has used fire in SM play and
public shows for nearly as long. (I always knew those circus school
weekends were going to teach me more than juggling and unicycling!)
There's a couple of laws of science that it's useful to bear in mind -
fire cannot exist without oxygen and flames burn upwards.
Fire against skin - skin will burn if you hold a flame against it for
long enough, but that's the secret (and skill) of fire play, how long?
2 seconds is very exciting, 4 seconds is very warm and 6 seconds is the
longest I've ever managed on myself and I wouldn't risk it on anyone
else unless I saw them do it to themselves. I use fire torches for fire
play (see below) but I use four in one session, rotating them two at a
time so they don't get too hot, and making sure the ones I've just used
get some time to cool down. The flames themselves are not actually that
hot (the bigger and yellower they are, the cooler they are - and the
more spectacular they look), but the torches and the wicks can get very
hot quite quickly and that's what can burn. It's actually safer to put
the torch directly and firmly on to the skin - because you cut the
oxygen out between the torch and the flesh there is no flame there.
There will be flames at the sides though and they can start to burn the
skin either side of the torch, and if the wick is too hot it too will
start to burn flesh - if the wick is starting to glow red then it's
probably time to put that torch out and use another one. If the slave is
lying flat, it's possible hold the torch in place for longer because in
addition to there being no oxygen, the flame is burning upwards and away
from the body. It is possible to use the flame underneath (for instance
if the slave is standing upright and you use it between their legs or
under their arms) - just not for as long. In my experience though, you
don't have to do it for very long, the sheer fear and thrill of fire can
have a dramatic psychological effect on a slave and for a public SM show
it's very impressive to most watching audiences. It is worth saying that
very minor burns are quite common, but that they *are* minor (not even
like catching yourself on an iron or hot pan).
* Hair - hair burns very quickly and at a very low temperature, so if
you're thinking of using fire to burn hair off, be careful. If the hair
is thick it can resemble a miniature forest fire very quickly, and if
you've seen the scorched earth after a forest fire then you can imagine
what might happen to skin. If I'm using fire to burn a slave's pubic
hair away I do it in stages, putting the flaming hair out fairly quickly
after it catches. Although it's a great form of play, I wouldn't
recommend it for smooth depilation (think of the stubble on burnt crop
fields ).
* Flames - as I've said the flames themselves are not that hot from fire
torches. However, be careful with smaller flames like those from
matches, lighters and candles. Because the wicks or other burning areas
are much smaller the flames get hotter much quicker, and they are in
contact with a much smaller area of flesh. It is easy to burn in this
way.
* Fire torches - unless you are planning to end your play or show by
extinguishing the flames in your own (or your slave's) mouth, then I
would recommend the torches used by fire jugglers. They're easy to
handle, have big wicks and produce a spectacularly big flame. However,
if you do want to put them out in your mouth then you're going to have
to have a pretty big one (mouth, that is) to use juggler's torches -
I've done it, but it's not comfortable. The torches I use are hand downs
from an old circus performer and are thin metal rods with plaited
lampwick thread (which needs regularly replacing). I've also made
temporary wooden ones using doweling wood and lampwick with the wick
stapled on or bound with copper wire. These latter are not ideal, as the
wood can burn and the metal in the staples or wire can get very hot
indeed. They are okay for a short play though.
* Fuel - Paraffin is the safest form of fuel, because it only burns on a
wick or if it's vaporised (you can drop a lighted match into a bucket of
paraffin and it will go out). Unfortunately, it smells and tastes
disgusting and it's fairly slow to light (which may be an important
factor if you want to do an SM fire-show at a club or party). I used to
use a mixture of paraffin and lighter fuel, but some years ago I found
some other stuff (unfortunately, the place I bought it from has long
since disappeared and there's no label on my container - it was sold as
"Firewater", and it's relatively odourless and tasteless) Any good
circus or theatrical suppliers should be able to get some if they don't
have any in stock. It lasts a very long time even with regular use -
I've had a five litre bottle for at least three years, and I've still
got half a litre or so left.
* Playing outdoors - I've only once played with fire outdoors in an SM
scene and it was in Spain with no wind. However as a fire-eater and
fire-blower I've performed outdoors hundreds of time. There are two
things to watch for. Firstly, the wind - keep track of which way it's
blowing. Indoors, I've blown sheets of flame from my mouth over a slave
(keep yourself low and keep their head out of the way and make sure it's
a big room), but I'd never do it in a wind - it's too easy for the wind
to blow the flame away from the target. Ordinary body play should be
okay though, but to be cautious keep the flame some distance from the
slave's head. Secondly, the temperature outdoors can give you a false
perspective on what's hot and what's not. The most serious burns I've
had have resulted from outdoor shows where the combination of that false
perspective and adrenaline meant that I didn't feel the burns (and the
pain) until several hours later.
Finally, if you are looking to torture and cause real pain without any
lasting damage there are probably more effective things to do than use
fire. However, if you like drama and showmanship as part of your play
then it's very effective indeed.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.1.6 Genitorture. C&B. Parachutes. Breasts. Nipple clamps.
"C&B play" stands for cock & ball play. "Genitorture" stands for
"genital torture". This is a subject that makes some men clutch their
nuts and run in fear, and makes other men instantly erect and greedy
for more. The male genitals are at once the most vulnerable and most
sensitive part of the male body, so of course many tops enjoy playing
with them.
Cockrings are rings that go around your cock, typically around the
base of it, behind the balls. The penis becomes erect when the blood
vessels at its base constrict (because of arousal), trapping blood in
the cock and causing it to swell. Cock rings have a similar effect,
prolonging erection in most men that use them. (They also constrict
the urethra, which will make any orgasm more painful, or even cause
ejaculate to back up into the bladder. This is not dangerous unless
done repeatedly. Experiment to find out how much tightness is too
much.)
Most are made of leather, with adjustable snaps, so you can tighten or
loosen them to fit (as well as remove them easily). Some are made of
rubber. Some are even made of metal, but metal ones can be hazardous;
if you put a too-small one on your non-erect cock, your cock may
become so erect that you can no longer remove it--and if it is too
tight, it will prevent your cock from softening. This may involve a
trip to the emergency room and the use of bolt cutters. No joke.
Some cock rings have multiple rings, for behind the balls, around the
balls themselves, and around the base of the shaft. Some people like
using _lots_ of cock rings, to stretch the balls out away from the
body.
Safety tips: The broadest guideline is to go slowly until you know how
much you can take. If the pain from a particular activity starts to
spread into other areas of the body, or if the pain lasts for a long
time after the stimulation ends, you have probably gone beyond your
limits. You won't reach this point generally if you take your time.
As with any SM practice, if you find yourself in pain later, or if you
notice any abnormalities in your cock or balls when flaccid or erect,
see a doctor. Of course, avoid any practice that seriously wrenches
or twists the genitals; there are many ligaments and blood vessels in
there, damage to which may make it hard for you to get hard. But the
cock and balls can handle light whipping or slapping, provided it is
done with care.
Of course, cock and ball bondage can be done with leather strips,
ribbons, velvet cords, etc. Be as ornamental as you please; tying up
an erect cock can create a luscious work of art, and teasing it can be
even more artistic. Don't expect C&B bondage to keep a cock hard
indefinitely; cocks will usually get soft if not stimulated, and
bondage which _will_ keep it hard may be dangerously tight. In any
event, be sure you can remove your bondage quickly, as always.
A great deal can also be done with female genitalia. Some women love
having clothespins on their pussy lips; some love light whipping on
their outer labia, or even their clitoris. Sometimes body piercings
can be used for bondage; labia piercings can hold a pussy open very
delightfully, or clit hood piercings can be tied up out of the way
with thread, leaving the clit naked and exposed. Some women like soft
fur on their pussy; others like to be alternately soothed and
tormented until they can stand no more.
Again, go slowly. Do NOT blow into the vagina, whatever else you do.
Don't leave clamps on very long until you know how much your partner
enjoys (and how it will feel to her the next day when the scene is
over). Too much of one kind of sensation can become irritating
quickly; change the stimulation, keep your bottom aroused and
surprised. There are all _sorts_ of things that can be used on female
genitals; one article I have lists "bamboo skewers, candles, cheese
graters, clips, flyswatter, ice cubes, knives, latex squares, leather
thongs, massage bongers, rabbit fur, ropes, scalp scrubber, silk,
spoons, towels, weights, and whips" as items that can be useful in
giving your bottom's genitals a ride they won't forget. (And no, you
don't do this until you cause real damage, any more than you do with
male genitals. Don't be scraping, scabbing, or scarring--these are
the most sensitive parts of the body you're playing with!)
Communication is paramount in female genital play; women's pussies
vary as much as any other part of womens' bodies (or more), and
responses will vary equally dramatically. In general, the same sort
of rhythm discussed in the whipping section is useful in cunt play,
though if anything the top needs to go even more slowly, as the
sensations will be more intense and focused than in almost any other
kind of sensation scene.
One final tidbit: apparently, for many women, a common pre-orgasmic
response is for the clit to retreat into its hood. If you are giving
your partner some very delicious sensation (possibly combined with
some just-right pain) and her clit disappears, DON'T STOP! (Unless
you _want_ to avoid her orgasm... don't push this too far, unless your
bottom's feet are tied down--she may kick.) And know your limits; if
your bottom really wants an orgasm to end the scene, giving her one
may make her EXTREMELY grateful to you, and waiting _too_ long may
burn you both out. This is good stuff to negotiate about beforehand
in any scene--how would you like the scene to end? Breaking such an
agreement will engender mistrust, but honesty, as always, will help
everyone get what they want.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.1.8 Butt plug training. Anal sex. Fisting.
[ Anyone want to write a piece on Butt plugs? ]
**** Anal sex
Anal sex, practiced properly, is as safe as any other kind of sex.
And people do it because it feels good--the anus can be an intensely
erogenous zone. In fact, far more straight people than gay people
practice anal sex! The anus contains more nerve endings than any
other part of the male body, and more than any part of the female body
except the clitoris. It's no wonder that anal sex is a part of many
peoples' sex lives.
"Anal sex" can range from simply stroking your or your partner's anus
with a lubricated finger, to actually sliding some fingers inside your
partner and stroking them, to full anal intercourse. All these things
are physically very pleasurable, and if you simply wash your butt,
there's nothing repulsive about them. The anal taboo is very old, but
there is no necessary medical reason for it if you know what you're
doing. If you're concerned about staying clean, by all means make
sure you've gone to the bathroom before playing, and wash your
ass--outside and, if you wish, inside, with an enema. If you want to
feel clean in order to enjoy anal sex, it's not hard to be as clean as
you want. (It is also very important, though, to use safe sex
techniques, which I describe a bit further on.)
The main guidelines for anal sex are Communication, Relaxation,
Lubrication. You see, your anus consists of two rings of muscle,
dubbed the external and internal sphincters. Your external sphincter
is under your voluntary control--you can relax it at will. But your
internal sphincter is _not_ under voluntary control. If you are
tense, your internal sphincter will be tight, and trying to force
anything into it will hurt, which will make you (and it) even _more_
tense. So the rule in anal sex is to go slowly; you can't force your
way into enjoying it.
Communication: talk about what you're going to do before you do it!
Don't just roll your partner over and surprise them; they won't be
relaxed and it won't be fun. Make sure you both are comfortable with
the idea of anal play. Relaxation: listen to your body. If your ass
wants to be played with, you will know; if it doesn't, don't rush
anything. Lubrication: your anus doesn't lubricate, so you need to
use a WATER-SOLUBLE lubricant such as KY Jelly or Probe. Use LOTS of
it; it's clean! The more lube you use, the more comfortable you will
be. And finally, communication again: if you haven't played with your
anus before, the sensations will be intense and strange. You may feel
like you are having a bowel movement when your partner slides their
fingers out of you; it takes some experience to realize that this
feeling is deceptive and that what you're feeling won't result in a
soiled bedsheet.
It's not enough to just clean your anus, though; your partner should
also use a latex barrier (a glove for fingering, a dental dam or a
piece of (non-microwaveable) Saran Wrap for licking, and a condom for
fucking) when having sex with you. This is true in general, but
especially true for anal sex; unprotected anal sex is the riskiest
kind of sex with regard to transmitting STDs of any sort. Also, using
protection often increases the sensation of safety and clean- liness,
which helps many people relax and enjoy the experience more. (Some
say that anal play isn't as risky as all that. The facts are that in
some cities intestinal parasites, spread by unprotected anal sex, have
been considered a serious sexually transmitted public health problem,
with thousands of people infected. Decide for yourself how much risk
you want to accept.) And anything that has come in contact with the
anus should be cleaned thoroughly (or thrown away, in the case of
latex barriers) before coming into contact with the mouth or vagina.
I already mentioned that it's not a good idea to force anything. Let
me be more emphatic: if you feel pain in your ass while you're having
anal sex, STOP. Too-rough anal sex can stress and possibly tear the
anal lining, which can lead to very serious infections. Anal sex does
NOT mix with force, (but see below for how to make it painful safely).
And if you find yourself bleeding from the rectum, go see a doctor
IMMEDIATELY. (Don't be embarrassed--they've seen it all before...
just get yourself taken care of!)
That said, I need to clarify what I meant by STOP if you feel pain.
That is what you should do: stop moving. The pain may just be your
sphincter muscle complaining about stretching a bit, and when you stop
pushing it will stop hurting--and possibly relax some more. If it
doesn't stop hurting when you stop moving, THEN you want to pull out
(slowly) and take appropriate action. If it does stop, wait a little,
then begin again... your ass will let you know if it wants to stop
altogether. (So pay attention to it! Getting drunk is NOT a good
idea, as you don't want to block out any pain you may feel. The FAQ
List No-Prize for Worst Sexual Product goes to an "anal lube" that
contained oil (and therefore couldn't be used with gloves or condoms),
AND which advertised itself as being best for anal sex BECAUSE it
contained benzocaine "for greater comfort"! If anyone did hurt them-
selves through using it, I hope they sued the hell out of the
company.)
*** Pain and Anal sex
I prefer anal sex to be painful, and have found a
few techniques that are at least moderately safe.
These don't focus on forcing the sphincter, but
pain inevitably makes me clench my ass, so there
is often a little force involved.
* After my partner has his cock in my ass, he
beats my upper back, or bites my neck and shoulders.
This is a kind of pain I don't enjoy, but it does
make me feel quite submissive, and it combines easily
with the anal sex.
* I get fucked only after being spanked so thoroughly
my ass is raw and tender and the abraision of his
pubic hair against my buttocks is enough to make me
whimper.
* Ice in my ass immediately before penetration. This
works better with fingers or a plug than with a biodick
attached to a very cold-sensitive top. (I treasure our
time together, but still wince at the heating bill.)
* There was also something strange and wonderful
involving a steel anal speculum and a violet wand.
Painful, frightening, and I want more!
* Irritants. Many of the best irritants contain enough
oil to damage condoms, so be careful. It may be safest
to apply the irritant after the top is done fucking.
Suggested irritants:
- Mentholatum's "Pain Gel"
This is an oil-free ointment meant to relieve sore muscles
and arthritis which contains menthol but no abrasives.
- Jalapeno pepper juice
** Excess Force: there is a high probability of either tearing
the sphincter muscle (bad, may lead to bowel incontinence, may need
stitches ) or else (and much worse) tearing the internal mucosa,
which can lead to serious medical problems, including lethal
septicemia or severe hemorrhage if the tear is large enough.
The inside of the intestinal tract, like the inner 2/3 of the vagina
is poorly ennervated, and pain generally means you are damaging
it. If it hurts internally due to "force", you're doing it very wrong
and placing yourself in danger of serious and potentially life
threatening complications.
**** Fisting
Everyone (well, almost everyone) knows what finger-fucking is.
Whether in ass or pussy, it's terrifically enjoyable to stroke someone
inside. (Fingers up a man's ass, if aimed properly, will tickle his
prostate gland, which feels AMAZINGLY good... just a little tip!) And
people are generally comfortable with the idea of finger-fucking with
more than one finger. But not as many people have been exposed to the
idea of inserting a _whole hand_ into the ass or pussy... which is, in
simplest terms, what fisting is. Yes, it's anatomically possible, and
yes, it's EXTREMELY (so I've heard) pleasurable.
That said, it's now very important to explain what fisting is _not_.
You do _not_ make a fist and ram it home. Fisting is one of the most
intimate and complete ways to touch another human being, and it is
something that has to be worked up to slowly and gently. There have
been many posts about fisting on a.s.b, talking about the proper
technique, the safety concerns, the fantastic feeling of openness and
connection, the magical plane that two people fisting can attain...
it's an incredibly intense way to make love. I can't do justice to
the firsthand descriptions others have written, but I can mention some
of the safety concerns.
First of all, cut and file all your nails until every finger is as
smooth as it could _possibly_ be. Your fingers will be in some very
delicate places--places that may not have pain receptors. You want to
make sure you minimize all chance of causing damage.
Use latex gloves. AIDS is a matter of life and death.
You will probably want to clean your bottom's GI tract out. What else
are enemas for? Be gentle with enemas; warm water is best. Don't use
detergent in enemas. Some people enjoy putting alcohol in enemas; if
you do, use a VERY VERY VERY DILUTED solution, since it will get
absorbed _real_ fast, and the bottom won't be able to expel it if they
get too drunk.
Use LOTS (and I mean __LOTS__) of lube. Push it in with your fingers.
Make a huge mess. Get it all over your hand, the back of your hand,
between your fingers. Keep applying it as you go. You can't have too
much lube. Remember, oil-based lubricants dissolve latex. Some
people like KY jelly; others say it dries out too quickly. In the UK,
a substance called "Aqueous Cream" is the creme de la creme. Others
use "J-Lube," which is a powdered concentrate that when added to water
produces incredibly slippery goo; it's sold in veterinary supply
houses! (Some people still use Crisco with latex gloves, on the
theory that the Crisco is just the best lube, and the gloves don't
break down _that_ fast. This is risky, but it's an option.)
Go slowly. Start with one finger and work up. DON'T RUSH. Be
sensitive to your bottom's feelings. You are trying to persuade part
of their body to open for you, to admit part of you deeply inside it.
The energy will move back and forth, and you'll ride it, coaxing and
pushing, in and out, moving your bottom into a trance. Keep communi-
cating with your bottom; gags, or role-playing where the bottom feels
inferior or is told to stay quiet, are not conducive to the kind of
relaxation and open empathy you'll need.
If your bottom suddenly hits their limit, you'll know; their orifice
will clench tight shut suddenly. DON'T PULL OUT. Stay right where
you are until the contraction ends, THEN start pulling out. You can
pull a muscle or two if you try to back out in the middle of a
reaction like that. If this happens, it's OK; you'll know to go
slower next time (if you both want to try again). But assuming all is
well....
When you reach five fingers, you're almost there. Now is when you
want to be most sensitive and most aware. Your bottom is going to be
flying on pain and pleasure; a sudden flinch and you'll find the
asshole (or whatever) doesn't want you anymore. Respect that, and
pull out (slowly!). But if your bottom's bottom wants it, then you'll
slip your knuckles inside, folding your thumb inside your fingers, and
(so I've been told) your hand will NATURALLY form a fist--you DON'T
need to clench your hand or anything else!
Now the real fun begins... explore, entice, pleasure your bottom, who
will be in heaven... and when it comes time to pull out, do so slowly
and naturally!
------------------------------
Subject: 1.2.0 "Sane"
Playing sanely does not mean giving up the wild, abnormal and extreme.
It means paying due regard to possibility of emotional harm, in the
same way that playing safely is to do with risks of physical harm.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.2.1 Why is B&D fun?
Lots of reasons. For many people, the knowledge that they are
helpless, that someone else can do things with their body and they
can't prevent them, is a powerful turn-on. "I'm going to make you
come and there's nothing you can do about it." It's a very strong
statement of trust to let someone bind you helplessly, or even
non-helplessly. How erotic, to feel yourself spread open, wanton and
wet, and to see your lover kneeling between your legs, ready to use
you for their pleasure--or to pleasure you unendurably....
For others, the simple sensation of bondage feels good. Tight
constriction can create very intense stimulation, and lots of tight
bondage can be a sensory trip, just as a whipping scene can be.
Bondage can feel comforting, pleasantly confining; you don't need to
worry about anything, since what can you do? You're all tied up, and
all that's left is to enjoy.
For yet others, it's a charge to struggle, to let your body lose con-
trol. It can really intensify an orgasm when you come with every
muscle straining against your bonds, trying to get your hands free to
smash your lover's face into your crotch, your body shaking. If you
weren't tied down you'd hurt yourself!
For me, it's all three of these reasons :-)
An especially intense form of bondage is verbal bondage: putting your
bottom in some position (spread-eagled, kneeling, whatever) and
commanding them not to move... and then tormenting them! One kinky
variation on this is as follows: have your bottom hold their hands out
in front of them, fingers splayed, each fingertip touching the
opposite fingertip. Put a penny between each pair of fingertips so
they're holding five pennies. Now order them not to let a single one
drop, on pain of some punishment or other, and then go to work! This
works best on a hard floor so you can hear the coin drop.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.2.3 Why is S&M fun?
Often people outside the scene don't see the appeal in any of the
things SM people do that look painful. What's enjoyable about being
hit? Where's the fun in getting bruised?
Well, think about this. Have you ever had intense sex and afterwards
noticed bite marks on your neck of which you had no memory? What
happened was your love partner bit you, HARD, hard enough that it
bruised you, and all you felt was another jolt of pleasure. If they
bit you that hard when you _weren't_ having sex, you would scream
"OUCH!!!" because it would hurt a lot! But when you are sexually
aroused, your pain tolerance goes way up, and stimulation that you
usually feel as pain is now actually pleasurable.
This is common knowledge. Another usual explanation is that the brain
produces endorphins, natural opiates, to compensate for pain. You
actually get high off the sensation. The "runner's high" comes from
pushing the body painfully for so long that the endorphins kick in;
the rush you get after eating chili peppers comes from the same
source; and that's what makes it enjoyable for SM players to be
whipped or spanked or whatever. It's not pain, it's pleasure! All
athletes that are "hooked on exercise" are essentially masochists who
enjoy stressing their bodies to get that chemical response. So your
friend who enjoys being spanked may actually be a lot _less_
masochistic than your average marathon runner!
For just this reason, Pat Califia (a very well-known writer and SM
player in the Bay Area) uses pain as a reward, when she's topping a
masochist. Pain as a punishment can have the reverse effect, when
your bottom _likes_ getting whipped!
Endorphins are by no means The Single Explanation for why masochists
find intense sensation to be desirable. Not every masochist floats
away blissfully while being whipped, nor would they all even _want_
to. The ways to experience intense sensation vary from dreamlike rush
to stinging ouch to irritating maddening burn to soothing warmth to
tears-in-the-eyes throbbing... and whatever the sensation, there is
likely someone who enjoys it.
Also, pain is a continuum. There are many different kinds of
sensation that you can use in your lovemaking--light scratches with
fingernails, open-hand spankings, pinches, squeezes... there are many
many ways to touch someone, and all of them can be enjoyable.
Different people enjoy different levels of sensation; "different
strokes for different folks." What may be a wonderfully sensual
caress to one person may be practically unnoticeable to another, and
what may be a delightful flogging to one person may be no fun AT ALL
to someone else. Ongoing negotiation is the secret to finding the
happy medium.
Some people consider all this absurd. "How could you WANT pain?" The
best answer I can give is that some people simply seem to be
calibrated differently. They want _more_ sensation; they find the
intensity thrilling and exciting, whereas someone else might find it
overpowering and agonizing. People like different amounts of spice in
their food; why not in their sexual encounters? Each person
experiences sensation differently, and if you want more, there are
safe ways for you to get it. Getting what you want, safely, can make
your life much happier.
(For much more about sensations and sensation play, I strongly
recommend Pat Califia's book _Sensuous Magic_. See ans 1.6.1)
------------------------------
Subject: 1.2.4 What is 'real' BDSM? Does what I do count?
You are an individual. Nobody looks, thinks or feels exactly as you do;
even identical twins have their differences. It should therefore not be
surprising that every BDSM scene has its own unique style.
BDSM can be sexual, exciting, humerous, artistic, healing, calming, magickal
(or indeed magical, if you tie your bottom in a box, then pierce with
swords). Or it can be none of these things; for some people sex is
intrinsically part of BDSM, while for others it is totally unconnected.
BDSM will often involve elements from overlapping sub-cultures:
Fetishes: cross dressing, leather, shoes, bad music
Body modification: piercing, tattoes, scarification, branding
Alternative sex: water sports, anal, masturbation, fisting
Un-trad sexualities: transexual, polyamoury, bisexual, celibate
Mental alteration: hypnotism, drugs, pavlovian conditioning, magick
Role play: knight/squire, teacher/student, noble/servant
Counter culture: Science Fiction, the SCA, Gothic vampires, Anarchism
None the less, players and events can often be roughly divided into:
Old Leather / East Coast of USA:
Players are either dominant or submissive. The only acceptable garb is
black leather (shiny metal optional), maybe black rubber or PVC if pushed.
New Age / West Coast of USA:
Players can switch between roles, either with different partners or at
different times. Any garb allowed, as long as it reflects the inner you.
[ These are caracatures. Anybody got some better descriptions? ]
Neither tradition is right or wrong, merely different. If what you do is
SSC, and it feels like BDSM to you, then few reasonable people will object.
There are some who feel that there is only 'one true way' to be a dom,
a sub, or whatever; and that anybody who does not do it that way is
a deluded fake. The men in white coats advise that until these people
can be recaptured, your best course of action is to ignore them.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.2.5 Fetishes. Clothing Care. Gender Play. Shaving.
leather/latex/high heels/corsets/cigars/shiny boots
All these things--erotic clothing or objects of whatever type--are
"fetishes". A fetish is any object which has sexual connotations for
you. If it makes you feel sexy to wear it, or to see it on someone
else, it's a fetish. There's nothing wrong with having fetishes; in
fact, it's a rare person who _doesn't_ have any! Some people are
turned on by armpits; some by painted toenails; some by good old
lingerie. The techniques of negotiation and communication that I've
already talked about can also come in handy in exploring your
particular fetishes, whatever they are.
Leather is one of the most basic fetishes in the scene. Leather
skirts, leather chaps, leather harnesses, leather cuffs, on and on.
Likewise for latex. Much of the appeal of these two substances, it
seems to me, is in their tightness and their shininess; clothes made
out of them enhance your awareness of your sensual self, and
restraints made out of them can cling like a second skin. In general,
leather and latex are two really big categories of fetish--and a
fetish is defined as something that turns some people on; if you have
to ask, you probably won't understand!
Leather clothes absorb fluids; don't get them wet. Plain water will
damage the leather; blood or other bodily fluids will also leave their
scent in the leather. You can use saddle soap and water to clean your
leather, and neats-foot oil to keep it supple and in good con- dition.
Latex doesn't absorb water-based fluids, but oils will damage it, and
prolonged exposure to sunlight will cause it to break down. When
putting your latex on, apply lots of talc to yourself and to the
insides of your latex; this will make it easy to slide it on. Don't
pull the latex with your nails, or it'll rip; likewise make sure you
cut your toenails before putting on latex stockings. After removing
latex clothes, wash them with water to remove oils, then dry them (and
some say powder them) for storage.
There are also PVC clothes ("wetlook" clothes), which are usually
black, shiny, and stretchy. PVC is basically plastic-coated fabric,
and is washable, as well as relatively inexpensive.
Of course, good old lingerie can be very arousing indeed. It's often
true that a little clothing is even sexier than none at all. Erotic
costumes and attire can add a lot of spark to a scene; they can set
the stage like nothing else. The mind is the biggest erogenous zone,
and role-playing and mock acting can be very very hot. whether
combined with any other elements of BDSM, or not.
As for corsets and high heels: they're both restrictive garments that
enhance the curves of the body, and that work really well as part of
BDSM play--they can enhance the domineering tread of a mistress or
hobble the steps of a slave. They are some of the classic fetish
items. High enough heels can make it altogether impossible to walk,
which can be very sexy! Corsets, properly applied, can dramatically
change the shape of your body, while intensifying sensation through-
out. And corsets and high heels, like any fetish, can be combined
with many many different kinds of scenes.
Other fetishes: dirty jockstraps, boxer shorts on women, formal
clothes on men, cowboy gear, uniforms (police/military/what-have-
you), nurses' outfits, harem girl attire... the list goes on and on.
If it turns you on to wear it or to see your partner wearing it, why
not make it part of a scene? (A button I heard about recently: "Are
you into casual sex... or should I dress up?")
In general with fetishes, anything goes! If you find yourself
becoming more involved with a fetish than you want to be, then you can
take steps to look at your behavior and determine if you want to
change it. But if you like it, and your partner likes it (or likes
that you like it), and if it's consensual all around, then go for it!
And if you like fetish clothing, check out the alt.sex.fetish.fashion
newsgroup--it's young, but it's growing....
* SHAVING
Another fetish many people have is smooth skin, with no body hair.
Shaven skin is silky soft, completely and utterly naked, and very
vulnerable. Shaven legs, armpits, or genitals can feel very different
indeed than hairy ones... and since the name of the game is sensation,
naturally shaving and SM can go together!
Since shaving is conventionally a female activity, it carries an added
charge when men are shaved. It can be at once humiliating and
enormously arousing. Many men enjoy shaving themselves in order to
play with cross-dressing (dressing as a woman); hence I mention these
two topics together. Shaving first.
How to shave? Use a sharp razor and a bowl of hot water; splash water
over your leg (or wherever) and lather with shaving cream. Then shave
_with_ the direction of the hair (i.e. shave down the leg towards the
ankle, or shave from the navel towards the crotch); going against the
direction of the hair can lead to ingrown hairs when it starts to grow
back. Shave with short strokes, dipping the razor frequently in the
bowl to remove the hair. If you shave only seldom, you may go through
a couple of razor blades doing your legs alone.
Some people who shave infrequently use an electric razor first to
remove most of the hair, then a hand razor for the remainder and on
the sensitive areas. (Electric razors tend to pull hair, and they are
most annoying on genitals.) Some people swear by waxing (using sticky
wax to pull hair out) or by other non-shaving methods of hair removal;
to each their own. Shaving can be part of a scene; I've seen many
gay-male SM movies with big male tops forcibly shaving their
prisoners, and I've also seen dominatrixes washing then shaving their
bottom's asses. (It's hard to reach back there yourself, and being
bound while a razor GENTLY strokes your most sensitive region is...
well... VERY intense!) Then once they're shaven, you can go on to all
sorts of other fun.
==
Shaving does increase sensitivity definitely, but I think it has a lot to do
with the area suddenly being made exposed and unprotected by hair. For that
reason I sometimes prefer to let the hair grow back fairly thickly before
removing it again, as I find that the contrast gives a more dramatic result.
If I maintain myself hair-free over an extended period it starts to feel
normal.
==
Just wanted to mention, on the subject of hair removal, some of us ( me for
instance )are compulsive "pluckers" i.e. one at a time with tweezers. Makes
for a very smooth finish that takes ages to grow back, and the activity is a
reward in and of itself.
Oh, and the leather thing, it's not just the look and feel, it's also the
smell of it that's irrestible.
==
If you go to your local chemist and look in the section where they keep
depilatory creams and waxing strips etc, you'll find a range of "aftercare"
products that are designed for use in those sensitive areas. But I don't
really like shaving, not because it gives me a rash but because sharp
stubble appears within 12 hours or less. Root removal is the only way to go
for me. I would recommend tweezers rather than an electric depilator, which
is great on legs but the couple of times I've used it on my pubes I've had
nasty ingrowths. Stretch the skin slightly, grip the hair close to the root
and pull gently, firmly and evenly and the whole hair just lifts out and you
won't see it again for weeks. Don't yank, or it'll break off just beneath
the skin and may ingrow.
But yes, I think the only final solution to unwanted hair is electrolysis.
There is actually a chatroom on the topic of hair removal at
http://www.hairfree.com/chat Wednesday nights 8.00pm Central time (which
I think is about 2.00am for us)
==
Shaving in a warm (but not hot) bath works well for me...
* CROSSDRESSING
About crossdressing: many men enjoy dressing in female clothes, either
because the clothes feel good, look good, or are humiliating to wear.
Whatever the reason, there's no doubt that lots of people enjoy this
sort of thing. Makeup is often part of this sort of play, as well.
Many women also enjoy dressing up as men; switching gender roles can
open up a vast range of possibilities. Some people call this "gender-
fuck"--i.e. fucking with one's perceptions of gender, or fucking
someone who's assuming a different gender, or both.
There is a spectrum of attitudes among those who play like this. Some
just enjoy wearing opposite-sex clothes because they feel nice. Some
fantasize about actually being a person of the opposite sex, and use
those fantasies in their scenes. Some people want to take it to the
point of going out in public dressed as, and acting like, the other
gender so accurately that they pass--i.e. are mistaken for the gender
that they're assuming. They may find doing this enjoyable because of
the fun in faking people out, and/or the thrill of successfully
transforming oneself into one's fantasy image.
Some people actually feel that their biological sex is fundamentally
at odds with the gender they feel themselves to be. They may feel
like a man who happened to be born with a woman's body, or vice versa.
These people are known as transsexuals, and may have operations to
change their bodies and genitals to more closely correspond to the
gender they most identify with. Transsexuals are still very widely
stigmatized; it is not easy to live in this very gender-based and
sex-role-oriented society if you don't conform to the standard
pattern, and transsexuals definitely do not. And while many of the
kinds of genderfuck I mentioned are "play", transsexuals are not
playing; their gender identity is a vitally serious issue to them.
(Though when they _want_ to play, there are few people who know more
about it :-)
It's important to realize that these groups of people are distinct;
just because a man enjoys wearing panties underneath his business suit
does not mean he has any desire to get a sex change operation. As
with all aspects of human sexuality, gender and gender play
encompasses a wide array of levels, and honest communication is the
only way to know what a particular person is into.
Gender play can be combined with all the other things in this list to
create some extraordinarily powerful sex magick. As always, listen to
your desires, decide how much you actually want to make real (and how
quickly), communicate, and play!
------------------------------
Subject: 1.2.6 Is BDSM insane, unnatural or degrading?
Often people approach BDSM with nothing but negative stereotypes in
their mind. The will-less slave dominated by the overbearing
thoughtless master. The pervert who enjoys being hit because he
thinks he deserves no better. These images, negatively charged with
connotations of abuse, do not reflect the reality of consensual BDSM.
First, were BDSM people abused as children? This is a common
stereotype. Straw polls of people on a.s.b seem to indicate no
particular pattern of abuse, and there have been very few, if any,
scientific studies of the question. Some people see an increased
correlation, but there is little actual evidence.
This stereotype is usually just _assumed_ to be true, as an expression
of BDSM-negativity--"Oh, anyone who likes that must have been really
damaged as a kid." Similar claims were once widely made about
homosexuals and homosexuality. (As one data point, I personally
wasn't abused as a child, for which I'm grateful. And I'm very into
various aspects of BDSM, for which I'm also grateful.) In general, in
fact, no one seems to have any idea of why some people enjoy BDSM
behaviors or fantasies, and others don't. Rather like no one really
knows what determines sexual orientation, or preferred body type, or
much of anything else where human sexuality is concerned. The notion
of a "normal" sexuality is widely overrated... the range of variations
is incredible.
Once you actually look at people who are involved in BDSM, and at what
they do, you realize that what is actually happening is a powerful
expression of love, which expands into sensual realms outside the
ordinary. True BDSM is consensual, strengthening, and sustaining; true
degradation is _not_. Therein lies the difference, and it is truly an
all-important difference.
Occasional debates here revolve around the (relatively few) people
who practice full-time dominant/submissive relationships. Such
relationships require lots of self-inquiry and self-examination to see
that both partners are benefiting and growing. Sometimes the claim is
made that such BDSM relationships are just ways for the dominant to
break down their submissive's will, and to accept abuse because the
submissive (according to the dominant, and perhaps also in the
submissive's own opinion) deserves no better. (This is essentially
what a wife-battering husband does: he takes control of his wife's
self-perception, and convinces her that the abuse is the necessary
price to be paid for her to remain with him; it is no more than her
due. And moreover, she is not to complain.)
This kind of relationship is _not_ a consensual BDSM relationship; the
dominant in a consensual relationship listens to and respects the
limits of their bottom, and does not seek to break down the bottom's
personality, but rather to build it up through the kind of
relationship that both enjoy and desire. Such relationships almost
always contain an "escape clause," such that if the bottom is truly
feeling deprived or abused, the bottom can ask to set the roles aside
and talk with the top as equals. (In other words, a relationship
safeword.) Such concern for clear communication when things don't go
well (as well as when they do) is the hallmark of a healthy BDSM
relationship. And every text I have read about long-term BDSM
relationships stresses the importance of emotional safety issues. (As
I mentioned previously, people who have issues around their sense of
self should be aware that BDSM is potentially risky in that area. Of
course, _any_ relationship is potentially risky for such people....)
Doing BDSM as part of a mutual, consensual relationship can be
enormously affirming. BDSM can be a way to give yourself to your lover
more deeply than you ever thought you could, and can give outlet to
fantasies you never imagined could come true. This kind of active,
dynamic self-expression can give a tremendous boost to the self-esteem
and the psychological well-being of both partners. Getting what you
want out of your sex life may not be a cure-all, but it can sure help
a lot. I recommend the book _Ties that Bind_, listed at the end of
part 3, to people exploring these issues.
(Some call all this doubletalk, denying that _anyone_ could ever
_really_ benefit from submitting to a lover whom they trust. All I
can say to that is, my personal experience is far otherwise, as is
that of many of my friends, and many professional therapists
acknowledge that it's quite possible for a submissive in a consensual
relationship to be very psychologically healthy. Decide for
yourselves whether we are to be believed.)
Another root of the negative stereotypes is simple aversion to
sexuality in general. The concepts of "limits" and "negotiation" are
inherently revolutionary, in a world where many people can't bring
themselves to talk about _anything_ related to sex. Yet without
understanding these concepts, it's hard to understand BDSM. Everyone
who first looks at BDSM needs to do some amount of pushing past their
prejudices; for some it's harder than for others.
Some people wonder how women into BDSM can consider themselves
feminists. Isn't feminism about controlling your sexuality, about not
submitting to anyone else, ever? Personally, I believe (and _many_
women on a.s.b agree) that feminism is about empowering women to make
their _own_ choices, to live life their own way, without being limited
by ideas about what women "should" do or how they "ought" to behave.
And in that light, it makes little difference whether the limiting
ideas are those of the patriarchal CEO or the "radical feminist"
criticizing BDSM in _Ms._ magazine; both the CEO and the writer are
attacking womens' right to do as _they_ choose.
Why are the prevailing images of BDSM so negative?
There is no doubt that they _are_ negative. Not long ago I was
informed that there are some members of the Winnipeg (Canada) police
department who believe that alt.sex.bondage is "a textbook on how to
torture women for sexual pleasure. It's obscene." Said police were
considering how to deal with a.s.b on obscenity grounds. Last year in
England, a group of gay men who had gathered for an BDSM play party in
which they were using whips for pleasure were arrested and charged
with battery, EVEN THOUGH they had all agreed to be doing exactly what
they were doing, and WANTED to be doing it. Consensual BDSM is illegal
in England. How can this be?
The crucial distinction here is between consent and non-consent. The
difference between whipping someone in a scene and assaulting them on
the street is the difference between sex and rape. If everyone
involved agrees to what is happening, it is not a crime. If they do
not, then it is. This distinction is not in principle difficult to
understand, and being involved in BDSM makes it very clear. BDSM
practitioners are _more_ familiar with consent issues than most, and
as such are _less_ likely to commit crimes of the sort that people
confuse with BDSM. And NONE of the material in this FAQ advocates ANY
kind of nonconsensual, criminal behavior.
Unfortunately, there are many who would be arbiters of what others may
and may not legally consent to do. I believe that consenting adults
should be free to do as they wish in the privacy of their homes.
There are many who don't believe this is acceptable. It serves them
to confuse the issue by claiming "BDSM people are sadistic rapists" when
in fact we are nothing of the sort. Criminalizing consensual sexual
activities (sodomy, BDSM, even prostitution) is an old tradition, but in
my view, an unjustifiable one.
This problem is exacerbated by the body of "scholarly research" on BDSM
and related practices. Almost all the books written about BDSM and
other alternative practices in this century have been written by psy-
chologists and therapists (i.e. people outside the scene), and almost
all have portrayed BDSM as a dangerous practice, indulged in only by
"unhealthy" individuals. The reason? Healthy individuals weren't the
subjects being studied; rather, the subjects were all seeking psycho-
logical treatment from the authors of the books! The "studies"
completely ignored the many many well-adjusted, happy people who were
also into BDSM. It's easy to conclude BDSM is harmful when your only
experience is with psychologically maladjusted BDSM people, and when you
aren't interested in presenting a balanced view (as few authors are--
psychologists can be as sexually judgmental as anyone).
More recent events in the psychiatric community have shown a change in
opinion about BDSM. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of
Psychiatric Conditions is a document produced by the American
Psychiatric Association. The DSM-III, published in the late '80s,
classified "sexual sadism" and "sexual masochism" as disorders for
which treatment was recommended. The APA, in the DSM-IV, reclassified
BDSM as _not_ necessarily a disorder, unless the practice of the BDSM
produces clinically significant ongoing emotional trauma, or leads to
death, serious injury, or disability. The DSM-IV is recognition by
the theraputic community that BDSM can be practiced in a psychologically
healthy way.
As for "natural": people have practiced BDSM behaviors throughout
history. Many are the saints who scourged themselves in the name of
the Lord. Using intense sensation to reach altered states of mind is
a practice as old as humanity itself--and hence can be considered in
no way "unnatural".
Our society (as do most societies) tends to ostracize the different.
If you don't fit the mold, you're weird and dangerous. People into BDSM
don't fit the mold. This is why there is such pressure to remain
anonymous in the scene; people have lost their jobs, partners,
children, and liberty by having their sexual preferences revealed to
their community. This stems from the same source: lack of
understanding of what we do and why, and lack of respect for what is
different.
Of course, there are plenty of people who just aren't into BDSM. (Most
people, in fact.) There's nothing at all wrong with not being into
BDSM, or with not wanting to be exposed to people who do various forms
of BDSM; many people have emotional issues with some kinds of BDSM
activities and may be repulsed or disturbed by witnessing them. These
people should clearly avoid BDSM (and probably should avoid
alt.sex.bondage). I would hope, however, that even these people would
manage to learn about consensuality as it relates to BDSM, and learn how
BDSM, practiced carefully, is not abuse.
Some people feel that any power exchange between people is unhealthy.
The argument is that giving power to someone else is tantamount to
giving away your essential right to self-determination, which must be
considered an unqualified evil. Moreover, there is no doubt that many
social evils--wars, abusive relationships, et al.--derive from one
group of people seeking power over another; therefore, the argument
proceeds, it is always wrong thusly to seek power.
In reality, there are many situations in life in which someone chooses
to give some of their power over to another, because they trust that
other to use that power wisely. Examples include entering the Army
(which regulates your life for the duration of your service); getting
married (which is often a commitment to abandon some of your personal
autonomy); taking a job (which restricts your choices of how to spend
your time); and, of course, entering a BDSM scene (during which your
top has authority over what goes on). All these power exchanges are
mutually agreed upon, and are mutually beneficial; when they stop
being beneficial, the exchange itself should stop.
People whose moral codes state that all power exchange--consensual or
otherwise--is wrong should clearly not be involved in BDSM. Certainly
such people have a consistent ethical system that defines BDSM as
immoral. Short of such an ethical system, however, it is hard to see
how a BDSM relationship is any more intrinsically immoral than a stint
in the Army, or a traditional 'death-do-you-part' marriage. As for
me, I believe that in a free society, morality requires permitting
each citizen to make his or her own choices of how to live, and how to
express themselves, including sexually. Sexual rights are human
rights. If we lose our freedom to love as we choose, we lose a vital
part of what it is to be human.
These issues are very controversial, even now. In the 1992 Oregon
state ballot, voters narrowly overturned a measure named OR 9, which
contained the following paragraph:
"State, regional, and local government and their departments,
agencies, and other entities, including specifically the State
Department of Higher Education and the public schools, shall assist in
setting a standard for Oregon's youth that recognizes homosexuality,
pedophilia, sadism, and masochism as abnormal, wrong, unnatural, and
perverse and that these behaviors are to be discouraged and avoided."
Homosexuality, sadism, and masochism are neither wrong nor unnatural.
All three are consensual ways of living and loving that many people
enjoy. They are not for everyone, but nor should everyone be told
that they are for no one. Note also how this measure seeks to confuse
the issue by grouping homosexuality, sadism, and masochism together
with pedophilia, a practice which is in most places legally
nonconsensual. (It is not my intent to enter here into the debate
over whether children are ever capable of fully consenting to sexual
acts. Suffice it to say that whether they can or not has no bearing
on the fact that adults _can_ consent to BDSM play.) Legislating what
consenting adults may and many not do in private is neither healthy
nor democratic.
(In recent years there has been a spate of articles about how BDSM is
entering the mainstream. Madonna's book _Sex_, her movie _Body of
Evidence_, and the movie _Exit to Eden_ are examples of this trend.
Hopefully this will lead to more people feeling free to express their
love as _they_ choose--so long as it's consensual!)
The most extreme forms of BDSM come closest to the line between consent
and non-consent. Most BDSM people have established safewords which they
will use if need be, though if they've known their partners for long,
that's rather seldom. Some people, though, do play without
safewords--whether because they know their partners well enough to
stay within their partners' limits and read their partners' responses,
or because they enjoy the rush of playing without an escape clause.
This latter sort of play is sometimes known as "consensual
non-consensuality," and involves scenes in which the bottom literally
cannot escape from whatever the top wishes to do. This is very
advanced BDSM; it requires exponentially more negotiation and
introspection, and even then is hazardous. Not many people do this,
or want to, but some people do, and find it exhilarating and
uplifting.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.2.7 My fantasies scare me. What if I get too into BDSM?
Sometimes people who are attracted by some aspects of BDSM worry that
they will immediately go from enjoying spanking and light bondage to
fisting and golden showers. Nothing could be further from the truth.
BDSM is a blanket term for a huge variety of alternative ways to make
love. This FAQ list has outlined some of the possibilities. No one I
know enjoys _everything_ on this list; _everyone_ has their own
preferences and levels of tolerance. Some like bondage but dislike
pain; some like latex but dislike leather; some enjoy piercing but not
whipping; some like tickling and nothing else!
This means that negotiation is always important in BDSM; you never know
what someone's tastes will be until you ask. It also means that
whatever your level, however hard the play that you enjoy, there are
people out there who share your tastes. Be a dabbler or be a life-
styler, or be anywhere in between! And don't worry; the operative
word with all of these practices is _pleasure_. If you don't like it,
you won't enjoy it, and you won't do it!
Some people have fantasies about heavier BDSM trips than they would
enjoy in real life. To those people, I say this: fantasies are not
reality. It is well documented that many women have rape fantasies
from time to time; this does not mean that those women want to be
raped. BDSM can involve playing on the edge between fantasy and
reality, using that fantasy energy to create something fantastically
strong and passionate in the real world; but this does not mean that
fantasies are anything but imagination, or that fantasies will become
real without your choosing to make them so.
If you feel that doing BDSM might make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe,
or make it harder for you to maintain your sense of self-worth and
pride, those are excellent reasons to avoid doing BDSM--or at the very
least to only do those sorts of play that don't tear you down but
instead build you up. BDSM is an intense form of relating, and not
everyone is ready for that; if you don't think you are, don't do it
that intensely--and if you're not sure, go slowly. What's the rush?
Do what you honestly want to do, and what you feel ready for.
Some people getting into the scene almost have a mental checklist of
stuff they want to try. They spend a year or two burning through the
checklist, having a great time, always desperate for the next
experience. Then they get to the end of the list, and suddenly they
don't know what's next. This can be a very empty feeling. BDSM is not
an end in itself, but a means to connect with others; it is ultimately
about relating, and about developing yourself.
If you are worried about getting "too into BDSM", it means that you are
sensitive to your spiritual and sexual development, which in itself
means you have less to worry about. Trust your instincts. BDSM is
nothing but opening up the the powerful energy within us all, and
being willing to experience that energy with and through others; it is
intimate and loving. Even a hard scene, involving ruthless domination
and serious pain, is an act of love, and a very deep one at that; it
takes a lot of trust and a strong connection between the people
involved to create such a scene. The more aware of Sex Magick you
are, the better a communicator and lover you will likely be--and you
don't have to be a heavy player to understand Sex Magick.
People who think that all BDSM behaviors are unhealthy or destructive
sometimes come out with a claim like, "Just you wait, you may start
off by enjoying being spanked, but before long you'll be liking being
bruised, dismembered, flayed, and murdered!" This is, simply,
ridiculous. While many people do find their tolerance for pain
increasing as they do BDSM, many others find no such effect, or even
have no interest in experimenting. It seems that for most people,
their internal "thermostat," the level of stimulus which makes them
hot, is pretty much constant. And certainly I know of no one
practicing consensual BDSM who perpetrates serious injury on their
lovers. The BDSM scene is rife with information about how to inflict
intense sensation without causing permanent or unintended damage of
any kind. Recognize these kinds of alarmist claims about BDSM as the
scaremongering that they are.
And finally, after all is said and done, you may _still_ have some
fantasies that you recognize as too intense or too contrary to your
nature to actually perform in a real-life scene. This is quite
common, as well; we all have desires which we recognize are not safely
fulfillable. Do not do anything that you feel you should not or
cannot do, even if the desire remains strong; or at least, if you do
choose to explore that desire, go very carefully and be prepared to
back off if you find your suspicions confirmed. If it hurts not to
fulfill the desire, that's part of what maturity is about--rejecting
desires that pull you into things that are no good for you, while
choosing that which will affirm you. And in any case, the process of
introspecting, of asking yourself what you want (and what you will
permit yourself) and why, can be vital to your growth and your sense
of yourself. Life is change, and every choice carries _some_
risk... decide for yourself what path you want to walk.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.2.8 Negotiation. Emotional safety. Care after scenes. Abusers.
This "negotiation" concept in the BDSM community simply means open,
honest communication about what you do and don't want. Negotiation in
this sense is not a bargaining process, where one person is trying to
get something at the expense of someone else; it's a win-win technique
where you're both talking about what you've done and what excites and
doesn't excite you, so you can feel more comfortable and turned on
together. It's completely legitimate to talk both about your
fantasies and your boundaries--about what makes you wet, _and_ about
what makes you cringe and tense up. Telling your partner about things
that you _don't_ want them to do is valuable, as you deserve to have
those limits respected... and if you don't tell your partner those
things, they may do them, and neither of you will enjoy it. (If you
do express your limits, and your partner ignores them, that's non-
consensual, and you will want to think hard about whether you can
trust your partner. Negotiation can bring these issues into clear
focus, which can help.)
If you're just getting into BDSM, or just into a new relationship,
negotiation is a VERY valuable process. It can be as upfront as "I'd
really like to kiss you, does that sound good?" or as nasty as "Tell
me your deepest darkest fantasy or I'm going to stop rubbing your
cock!" Talking about what you want from your sexual relationships can
be difficult at first, but the more you do it the easier it gets and
the more you get out of it! And note that none of this is necessarily
specific to BDSM; negotiation is useful on all levels in all
relationships, whether they involve BDSM or not. Consent is much more
than a simple "yes"--any relationship, and especially BDSM
relationships, will do better with lots of honest talk about what you
both want, and why, and how much, and what you _don't_ want.
There are some who feel that negotiating--talking--"ruins the momen-
tum". The image they seem to have is of the lovers who need say no
words; every touch, every action, is perfect. That's great when it
happens, but it doesn't happen automatically. My personal experience
is that talking upfront makes me feel much better about whoever it is
I'm with, and much more confident that they won't do something I'm not
ready for... this in turn means I can throw myself wholeheartedly into
whatever we've negotiated. Plus, as you get to know each other
better, you'll know what you like and don't like... because you'll
have negotiated it! THEN the momentum REALLY gets rolling!
Be communicative. Let your partner know what you want and don't want.
Keep the dialogue going; watch your partner, be aware of what she or
he is feeling and thinking
Be sensitive. BDSM play, which can (doesn't have to! but can) involve
helplessness, intense sensation, and psychological domination, is
strong stuff; it can reach deeply into someone's soul and bring up
childhood traumas or hidden fears, without warning. Be aware that you
are swimming in deep waters, and be respectful, loving, and careful.
Don't let this reality scare you away from BDSM, though, if you want to
experiment; let it make you more aware and open to what both of you
are feeling. Most of all, decide for _yourself_ whether BDSM (or
elements of BDSM) has a place in your sex life; don't listen when
someone _else_ tells you "BDSM will be OK for you" or "BDSM will not be OK
for you". Only you can make that decision.
Be honest. If you do not want to do something, don't let your partner
pressure you into it. When you begin exploring BDSM, you may often find
yourself with a partner who wants something more than you have
experience giving, or who's right now in the mood for something that
you're _not_ in the mood for. In my experience, it's generally better
to say, "Whoa, I think we're wanting different things. Let's talk."
Doing a scene when you don't really want to can result in anything
from a lukewarm scene to something you just wish was over. There is
plenty of time... honesty, and not pushing, will lay a foundation of
trust that will stand you in good stead later.
After the scene is over, take time to discuss
what the scene felt like for each of you. Make sure to listen to your
partner and learn how they felt, and thank your partner for
playing... after an intense scene, it's really nice to cuddle and
connect, rather than stopping abruptly and going home. A scene has a
beginning, middle, and end; all three parts are very important. (And
not necessarily disjoint; talking about how you feel and what you want
can continue right through the whole process!)
One especially charged kind of BDSM play is dominance and submission,
in which the bottom gives up some of their freedom of choice to the
top, who can command them. Though many people with strong boundaries
can play like this perfectly safely (and indeed derive enormous
happiness and satisfaction from doing it), this kind of play can carry
some real emotional risks for people with low self-esteem. The risk
is that the dominant will wind up abusing their power, using the D/S
dynamic to make the submissive feel ever more worthless and powerless,
and hence willing to let the dominant take over more of their
independence.
If you have issues around your personal sense of self-worth, and if
you feel that being submissive (albeit perhaps an enticing idea) might
serve to confirm and consolidate your negative self-image, you would
do well to think hard about whether D/S play is for you at this stage
of your life. The answer may well be "no." (And conversely, if you
are considering topping someone who wants to submit because they
deserve no better, you might consider whether you want a partner who
thinks so little of themselves.) In general, it's imperative for
everyone who does BDSM to look hard at their motivations and their
boundaries, and to be clear on whether the BDSM (whatever form it may
take) is self-actualizing or self-destructive.
It may not be all black-and-white, either; there may be some
particular activities or roles or words that will make you feel
unsafe, scared, or worthless, and you may well want to avoid those
activities/roles/words. That is exactly what negotiation is for; you
have the right to do what feels good to you and avoid what does not,
and you have the right to insist your partner respect your boundaries.
(This goes for any relationship, of course, BDSM or no.)
Domestic Violence in the S/M Community (by Jan Hall)
Domestic violence is not the same as consensual s/m. Yet, abusive
relationships do exist within the leather-s/m community, as with all
groups. Unfortunately, due to our sexual orientation, abused persons
who are into s/m may suffer additional isolation and may hesitate to
turn to available resources for fear of rejection or of giving
credence to stereotypes. No group is free of domestic battering; but
fear, denial, and lack of knowledge have slowed public response to
this serious social problem.
Domestic violence is not restricted to one particular group within the
s/m community. A person's size, gender, or particular sex role
(top-bottom, butch-femme) is irrelevant; anyone can be subject to
abuse.
Abuse tends to be cyclical in nature and escalates over time. It is a
pattern of intentional intimidation for the purpose of dominating,
coercing, or isolating another without her or his consent. Because of
the intimidation factor, where there is abuse in any part of the
relationship, there can be no consent.
Defining the Problem: The following questions can help a person to
define the problem, which can have characteristics that are physical,
sexual, economic, and psychological.
Does your partner ever hit, choke, or otherwise physically hurt you
outside of a scene? Has she or he ever restrained you against your
will, locked you in a room, or used a weapon of any kind?
Are you afraid of your partner?
Are you confused about when a scene begins and ends? Rape and forced
sexual acts are not part of consensual s/m. Battering is not something
that can be "agreed" upon; there is an absence of safe words or
understandings. Has she or he ever violated your limits? Do you feel
trapped in a specific role as either the top or bottom? Does your
partner constantly criticize your performance, withhold sex as a means
of control, or ridicule you for the limits you set? Do you feel
obligated to have sex? Does your partner use sex to make up after a
violent incident? Does your partner isolate you from friends, family,
or groups? Has your partner ever destroyed objects or threatened
pets? Has your partner abused or threatened your children?
Does your partner limit access to work or material resources? Has he
or she ever stolen from you or run up debts?
Are you or your partner emotionally dependent on one another?
Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional
distance and being very close? Is your partner constantly criticizing
you, humiliating you, and generally undermining your self-esteem? Does
your partner use scenes to express/cover up anger and frustration? Do
you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering
you?
No one has the right to abuse you. You are not responsible for the
violence. You are not alone; connect with other survivors. There are
reasons for staying in abusive relations: fear of (or feelings for)
the abuser, and lack of economic or emotional resources. If you stay,
help is still available. Find out about shelters, support groups,
counselors, anti-violence programs, and crisis lines in your area; ask
a friend to help you make these calls. Plan a strategy if you have to
leave quickly. Line up friends and family in case of an emergency.
Battering is a crime. Find out about your legal rights and
options. You can get the court to order the person to stop hurting you
through an Order for Protection or Harassment Restraining Order. You
do not need a lawyer.
We Can Reduce Domestic Violence: Domestic violence does exist in the
s/m-leather-fetish community. We can make it clear that we will
listen to those who have the courage to speak out. Understand that
leaving is difficult. Let the person make his or her own choices. Keep
all information confidential. Encourage survivors to take legal action
and seek support. Help find safe housing and legal advocacy. Hold
batterers accountable and urge them to seek treatment. Deny that drug
or alcohol use can excuse battering. Support changes in that person's
behavior.
Leather groups in our community are crucial to reducing domestic
violence. Invite knowledgeable speakers; lead discussions; print up a
list for members of what resources in your area are s/m-
supportive. Educate your local legal and social service system about
our lifestyle; encourage their appropriate intervention.
Safe Link is a clearinghouse for materials and questions about
domestic violence, specifically for persons who are into leather, s/m,
or fetish sexuality. It offers a list of readings and is currently
compiling a roster of supportive speakers, shelters, and therapists,
and information on understanding and using the law. Write to Safe Link
c/o the Domestic Violence Education Project, National Leather
Association, 548 Castro Street #444, San Francisco, CA 94114; or call
the NLA at 415/863-2444. (posted by )
BDSM may at times be theraputic, but it is in no sense a substitute
for therapy. It's been said that "you can't take power from the
powerless." A healthy D/S relationship is grounded in mutual respect,
and in the knowledge that both partners are choosing this life in a
fully informed, non-coerced manner; the submissive is proud to submit,
and the dominant is proud to receive the gift of their submission. It
is a very different thing from an abusive relationship in which one
partner controls the other partner's entire world, with the goal of
making that partner irrevocably and helplessly dependent.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.3.0 "Consensual"
Playing consensually does not mean you need a written witnessed agreement
every time you play, nor does it mean that once they consent, anything goes.
It means only playing with people who are normally considered fit to enter
into a binding contract, and only doing things to them while you have a
very sound expectation that, were they requested to explicitly indicate
their consent to your actions when in a fit state of mind and being neither
cooerced nor misled, they would do so.
The Simple Rules:
1. Don't play with people who can't be held fully responsibile for their
own actions (eg the mad, senile, immature or otherwise incompetant).
2. Know what your partner's limits are - what they do not consent to.
3. Confirm that they understand any physical and emotional risks involved.
4. Make sure your partner has an unambiguous way to indicate that they
withdraw their consent, if they change their mind during the scene.
You are responsible for detecting if they fall into a mental or physical
state where they are hindered from indicating or choosing to indicate.
5. If you are about to do an action to them which they would have no chance
to indicate their lack of consent to before it happened, and there is
any doubt that they might not consent, ask them beforehand to indicate
their consent explicitly.
6. If at any time your partner, while in a fit state of mind, indicates
that they do not consent to your doing an action to them, or that they
withdraw consent they previously gave, then don't do it. If you have
already started doing it, then stop as soon as safely possible.
7. If your partner is not in a fit state of mind to choose whether to
consent or not, which can happen on occasions such as when drunk, asleep,
or drugged, then it is your responsibility to make that choice for them.
In general you should choose to not play with them, unless you gained
their explicit consent beforehand to play with them in this condition.
One exception to that would be when a masochist is so high on endorphins
that they are in no fit state to judge whether to continue or not, because
entering that state was a possibile risk of your flogging them, and since
you confirmed your partner understood this risk (see rule 2) and they
consented in knowledge of it, their consent to let you judge when to stop
is strongly implicit. On the other hand, in that situation you also have
a duty to stop the scene when warranted, even if they are crying "More!".
------------------------------
Subject: 1.3.1 Safewords. Non-verbal safewords. Implicit safewords.
One of the thrills of BDSM is that it can stretch your limitations. If
you enjoy this sort of play, you can naturally find yourself trying
more and more new things, accepting greater and greater levels of
sensation, doing and feeling more than you've ever done or felt
before.
But the process is slow and gradual, and people are not telepathic.
It may be that you are the bottom in a whipping scene, and your top is
whipping you, and suddenly it doesn't feel good anymore!! and you want
them to STOP!!! That is what a safeword is: a word that means "This
isn't working! This scene is going wrong somehow! Please stop!"
A safeword needs to be taken seriously. Sometimes you may be playing
with a top you don't know that well, and if they do something to you
you don't want, it's important that you have a way to let them know,
IMMEDIATELY. Especially if you're tied up or otherwise made helpless.
Everyone has their own favorite safeword. I personally use "Yellow!"
to mean "Something's too intense; I need you to lighten up, but I
don't want to stop the scene," and I use "Red!" to mean "I'm in
trouble and I want everything to stop NOW, no more games, scene over,
let me outta here!" Some people just have one flavor of safeword, and
use "aardvark" or some other weird word they'd never say in the
context of a scene. At many parties, the universal safeword is
"Safeword!" It's up to you. All it is is a safety valve for when
things get out of control. If your top doesn't respect your safeword,
it's a safe bet that they won't respect other limits of yours, and you
will need to decide whether you want to play with someone who doesn't
acknowledge your boundaries.
Using a safeword can be hard to do sometimes. It's important to
realize that no one is perfect, and if you as top do something that
squicks your bottom (i.e. pushes beyond your bottom's limits--
"squick" is a recent bit of a.s.b jargon), it doesn't mean you're a
bad lover or a bad person. It only means that you ran into a limit
you didn't know was there, or you were tired or disconnected and not
in tune with your bottom. It happens to everyone from time to time.
If you as top feel burned out and want to stop the scene suddenly, or
you get a powerful reaction you weren't expecting and aren't sure how
to continue, you can use a safeword too; safewords aren't just for
bottoms! If you as bottom feel like your top is pushing you, and you
don't want to play anymore, it's not fun, that's when you want to use
a safeword--your top will be glad you used it to tell them where you
were at.
A safeword is just a communication tool, nothing more, nothing less.
If you're playing intensely, it may feel hard to stop the scene, to
come back from the edge via a safeword... but if you need to, that's
what they're for. Some tops deliberately push their bottoms until
their bottoms call safeword; this way, the bottom gets the experience
of using it. A safeword that's never used can seem unusable, which
isn't a good property for a safeword.
Sometimes a top will want to gag you, whether because you're being too
noisy or they want to increase your helplessness or you've been being
impertinent or whatever. You may still want a safeword to let the top
know when a rope is too tight or the nipple clamps are pinching or
whatever. Some people put a handkerchief in the bottom's hand; if
they let go and the handkerchief falls, they know there's something
up. I personally use the old SOS signal: three loud yells spaced
evenly; "Unh! Unh! Unh!" No gag I've ever seen can stop _all_ noise,
and that signal works even if my hands are in mittens or a
strait-jacket and unable to hold anything at all.
Before playing with someone, it's a good idea to negotiate, not only
what safeword you want to use, but how you'll handle it if you need to
use the safeword. When you're just getting into SM, it's almost
inevitable that some scenes will end prematurely or abruptly. If you
acknowledge this possibility in advance, and talk about what kinds of
comforting or remedy you might like, it'll make recovering from a
mishap a lot easier and more pleasant. And because a scene goes wrong
is no reason to think that you or your partner is fundamentally bad or
untrustworthy--mistakes will happen. (If your partner doesn't want to
hear your concerns about the mishap, though, or if they belittle or
deride your concerns, you may well be unable to avoid future mishaps.
If your relationship doesn't learn from painful experience, it may not
be ready to handle doing SM. Of course, this kind of processing is a
vital part of _every_ healthy relationship, SM or not.)
Not every BDSM player uses safewords. Some people into BDSM don't find
them useful for the style of play they prefer; more straightforward
communication suffices for them. Some partners find their need for a
safeword gradually diminishes as they come to know each other better.
Some people do BDSM in which the bottom doesn't _want_ to have a verbal
escape route, for the duration of the scene. One thing that you will
learn about the BDSM scene is that styles vary wildly, and peoples'
experiences are astonishingly diverse. But for many people beginning
their explorations (and many who've explored enormously), safewords
have proved very helpful.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.3.3 Pushing limits, expectations and mistakes, mindfucks
[ Can someone write about edgeplay, hard and soft limits,
and what to do when mistakes happen? ]
**** Mistakes
I agree -- and those are good counter-points. But I wonder why we
never see anyone saying to, say, a newbie bottom:
"Look, shit happens. You will get hurt. Your top will make a mistake
one day. Most of the time, if you have the framework of trust,
communication and compassion set up, they won't be fatal errors. But
don't kid yourself, it will happen."
Or, to a newbie top:
"Face it. You're going to fuck up one day. You're going to hurt
someone. You won't mean to do it. You'll think you're doing the
right thing at the moment. But if you've done your groundwork ahead
of time, you'll probably be able to work it through."
A few weeks ago I ran a workshop on "Triggers" and the conversation
turned to a discussion of what happens when a scene gets royally
*fucked*. So I asked the audience two questions: what are a top's
responsibilities and what are the bottoms' responsibilities when a
scene goes bad.
Most of the responses I received with regard to a top's
responsibilities were a mindless regurgitation of "give aftercare!"
So I asked them questions like: how are you going to handle it if you
feel defensive? If you feel like you are being accused or blamed
unfairly? What if the bottom is in such a state that s/he refuses
aftercare? etc. I was stunned that most of the people (at the least
several vocal ones who were talking) hadn't really considered this.
And, in fact, the tops who *had been there* and were willing to talk
about it were *still angry* about being "accused" of poor topping. And
it also struck me (perhaps I'm still projecting) that they felt like
they weren't allowed to talk about being accused of bad topping
without also earning the label of "BAD TOP" in the process.
When I asked about the bottom's responsibilities -- well no one had
much to say. During the workshop, I felt as if people didn't really
process bottoming or submission as an act that carried its own set of
responsibilities.
And that struck me as profound evidence of a *major* failure on the
part of the scene to give people these kinds of skills. And in fact,
it strikes me as *dangerous* that our aim in safety is to discuss ways
we can *make it safer and risk free*, since bdsm will never be either
of those things.
My point is that instead of talking about the thousand and one things
we can do to remove pain from our lives, I'd much rather talk about
the thousand and one things we can do to *deal* with the pain in our
lives.
See what sort of mistakes can happen if you don't communicate clearly:
* What to do if you screw up as a top?
1. Stop (or, *pause*) the scene or activity.
2. Apologize to the sub and take any steps necessary to restore hir
to physical or mental well-being (first aid, comforting, etc.)
3. Problem-solve, if necessary. Figure out what happened and how to
keep it from happening again. Make sure both you and the sub feel
safe in continuing.
4. Proceed with caution (this applies to deciding to continue that
session as well as for future sessions).
**** Mindfuck 101
As far as I know, there are no recorded SM-related injuries or deaths
resulting from a magic zap finger, pretend chloroform that is really water
or a razorblade that is actually a frozen credit card. ;) That's a pretty
good safety record. I like it, so I use those kinds of things in mindfuck
and roleplaying scenes.
If you're willing to take at least minimal risks, there is a whole wide
list of things you can do to absolutely convince a bound, blindfolded
bottom (who doesn't, hopefully, read this newsgroup and hasn't gone to any
QSM classes on the subject, chuckle) that sie is being horribly, unsafely
injured when in fact nothing of the sort is happening.
The Branding Trick: With adequate buildup - lighting the charcoal hibachi,
putting in the fake branding iron you make out of a coathanger (don't
really use this type of metal for real branding scenes!) and tossing a raw
hamburger on the coals for the stink of burning flesh, a piece of dry ice
struck briefly against the skin makes a very, very convincing "brand".
Dry ice safety notes: this stuff will really brand skin in an uncontrolled
manner if you leave it in contact more than a second or two. Use gloves
while wearing it. Emotional safety note: convincing your sub you will
brand hir and then not going through with it for real can be edgeplay in a
way you might not have anticipated. Judge your subject for this mindfuck
very carefully; aftercare and reassurance may be needed.
Branding safety notes: It is not a good idea to attempt a real branding
until you have very thoroughly researched the subject and preferably have
the guidance of an experienced brander. If you feel you must play
immediately with real branding and no amount of safety precautions will
stop you, I suggest beginning your play with lightly heated acupuncture
needles, the very slender type. Burns spread drastically in thickness,
and their depth depends on the length of your strike and the heat
retaining properties of the material you are using, its density, size,
etc. Nerve damage is not your friend, and neither is infection. If you
break your toys, you cannot play with them any more. 'Nuff said.
The Hanging Trick: Tie a standard hangman's noose out of stiff rope,
preferably nylon rope, the nasty type that you don't want to use for
bondage because it's slick and scratchy and generally annoying stuff.
This stuff will hold together better for what you are about to do to it.
Carefully cut the thick part of the knot in two. Sew it back together
with two strands (one looped pass) of thin cotton thread. When it dangles
straight down, it should appear to be an unbroken single piece of rope -
which will have all the tensile strength of two cotton threads. Tie the
noose firmly to a beam, put your subbie on a chair and make'em jump. It's
a trust game.
Safety notes on the hanging trick: THIS IS NOT 100% SAFE; THIS TRICK DOES
CARRY SOME DEGREE OF RISK. Jumping off a chair is not without risk,
particularly with something around your neck - even something with the
tensile strength of cotton thread. Padding the floor might be a good
idea, and don't let anybody try this trick wearing high heels or slippery
stockings. Position the rope so that the bottom of the noose is tight up
under the chin, and the thread will break through abrupt pressure on the
bottom of the chin. You probably want to do some test runs on yourself
(c'mon, thread is cheap), positioning the noose in various places on
yourself to understand what the sensation actually is. I have tested this
repeatedly on myself and on consenting victims, and even when I
deliberately positioned the noose directly over my windpipe, the pressure
of abruptly breaking two whole strands of thread did not cause me or
anyone else any discomfort. Make sure the other end of the rope is tied
firmly to something reasonably heavy. I did a double mindfuck in the QSM
class by making somebody else hold the other end of the rope. ;)
The Cutting Trick: Blindfold your sub and tie hir down securely to the point
that sie cannot easily thrash about (test this first by asking for some
struggling or eliciting the struggling reaction). Put on some very loud
music in the background, and/or use earplugs on the sub. Now the fun
part. Ground yourself out to a violet wand. Put your hands on the metal
of a not very sharp knife - a butter knife or a metal frosting spreader
with no edges at all works fine. Start in with the "cutting". The
sensation of the electricity running through the blade feels very much
like you are being deeply cut with a razor sharp instrument, particularly
when the sub has no idea you are using a violet wand and cannot hear the
telltale buzzing that will give your trick away. For additional fun,
start out the "cutting" on safer areas like the shoulderblades and the ass,
and "blot" the "blood" with a damp paper towel. Then go crazy and
"slice" their throat, hamstring them on the backs of the joints, and do
other things that would be utterly unsafe if you were really breaking the
skin with a sharp instrument.
Safety notes on the cutting trick: If your sub is not securely tied down,
sie may thrash and knock over your expensive violet wand, or get hurt for
real if the knife you are using actually has a point or an edge. That's
why metal cake frosters with a smooth edge and rounded tip work very well
for this scene. The sharper the blade, the more intense the sensation
will be because of the smaller area for electrical conductivity, but use
your good judgement for safety if you are not sure you are prepared to
handle a sharp instrument in a scene like this.
Poor tops' cutting trick: Keep a credit card in the freezer. Blindfold
your partner and convince them you are cutting them with the nice, safe,
chilly frozen plastic. Butter knives work well, too. Since you don't
have to use earplugs here, you can keep up a wonderful verbal patter about
how good the little subbie is to bleed for you....and of course, you can
always throw in a fun "Ooops!" for some additional mindfuck, and sie will
go crazy trying to figure out what you did wrong while you had a "knife"
to their neck. Fake blood is good, too. Ketchup has a distinctive odor,
so don't use it unless your sub has no sense of smell.
Bad, Awful, Evil Mindfuck Trick: Securely tie up your bottom. Using
cornstarch or paper squares or other props, pretend to snort or ingest a
massive amount of "PCP laced crack with an LSD chaser" or whatever potent
judgement impairing substance you can make your bottom believe you could
obtain. Talk up a good game. Pretend you have the major munchies and you
think sie is a great big trussed turkey. Pretend you think the bottom is
a CIA spy who has been following you and who needs to be tortured for the
location of the alien mothership. If this does not scare hir, sie has not
got any sense.
Safety notes on the bad, awful, evil mindfuck trick: Well, this one is
probably the most horrible, trust-destroying, dangerous trick I could
imagine playing on someone. If you do not have a chance to drop the
whacked-out psycho persona and explain things before your bottom gets
away, you could be doing your explaining from behind bars, and your
reputation will be absolute mud when sie gets done talking to your
friends in the BDSM community. Prepare carefully, and think hard, before
embarking on this one.
I've only done this trick once, back when I was a pro domme, at a client's
request to "be scared. REALLY, really, scared. Nobody can scare me, so I
don't think you can do it, but try anyhow. I won't be impressed." I gave
into temptation and turned raving druggie psycho for the session, *after*
I got the guy secured in literal shackles and chains in a gag he couldn't
yell through. He said it was the best terror experience of his life.
After he wet his pants.
Anyhow, don't do this one to your friends, unless you are pretty sure that
they explicitly consent to terror and mindfuck, no limits except their
physical safety. I also don't recommend using mind altering substances in
reality during BDSM scening - you need every ounce of your good judgement
to run a scene or to respond to a scene, and if something goes wrong and
you need to be on top of somebody else's physical or emotional safety,
it's not a good idea to be fucked up. I do know some experienced players
who consent to play under the influence, and that's their choice to take
that degree of risk - but I think it is very, very risky indeed not to
have the safety net of a fully functioning brain in case something goes
wrong and someone needs to make a judgement call.
Oh yeah - and snorting cornstarch really sucks.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.3.4 Roleplaying. Control. Topping from the bottom.
knight/squire, teacher/student, noble/servant, sultan/concubine, pimp/hooker,
parent/child, pirate/captive, bully/victim, au pair/deliquent, Ming/Fay Wray,
interrogator/Babylon5 hero(ine), Sir Darcy/Gwendoline, guard/prisoner, etc.
Any role where one party has power over the other. They can come from any
source, and don't even need to match. Roles where there is also duty to
obey in one direction, or where there is a duty to protect or improve in
the other, add extra dynamics and can make the roleplay more interesting.
One of the paradoxes of BDSM revolves around consensuality. Everything
in BDSM is consensual; although the top is in control, it was the
bottom's choice to allow the top to _be_ in control. And since most
of the time the top is trying to keep the bottom happy, and since the
bottom knows that, isn't the bottom really in control?
Yes, if your definition of "in control" is "can stop the scene". The
bottom can always opt out, if it's consensual BDSM. But the top can go
a long way towards putting the bottom under the top's spell, making
the bottom submit to really strenuous bondages or beatings, using the
bottom as the top pleases. One friend of mine, for instance, takes
great pleasure out of hog-tying his girlfriend with her breasts bound
and her hands behind her back and her ankles tied to her ponytail,
then putting her on the edge of the bed and sticking his cock in her
mouth. She has no choice but to suck it until he comes. Which of
them is "in control"? Both of them would say that he is, and both of
them are getting off on that fact, so the paradox in practice doesn't
matter too much.
Furthermore, negotiation can involve give-and-take; the bottom can
agree to endure some pain to please the top, and the top can then
(say) tie the bottom tightly and tease to the point of orgasm. A
particular activity in BDSM can be enjoyable for its own sake, or
because it's a favorite sensation of yours, or because it turns your
partner on so much to do it to you or with you, or because you want to
endure it out of pure stubborn pride. The paradox of control can take
many forms.
[ Someone else want to address the question of topping from the bottom? ]
------------------------------
Subject: 1.4.1 How to make your own. Cheap toys.
Well, here's a tuppence-worth from me... I've just started to try to make
some leather clothes, and the cheapest way I've found to get leather is to
buy old leather jackets from charity shops. I paid six quid for a
blouson-style black leather jacket, which provided more than enough
leather for a lace-up top, but the leather is far too thin for making
anything involving 'load-bearing' straps, such as harnesses.
I got a leatherworking product catalogue from an advert in Exchange & Mart
(The UK's perviest publication 8]), which has lots of cheap buckles and
tools and stuff, but they charge about 2.85 per sq foot for thick
(belt-quality) hides, with each hide being about 20 sq feet (the catalogue
is a strange mixture of metric and imperial, so bear with me...) so it'd
cost about 57 quid to get a hide. You could make lots of stuff out of
that, but the initial outlay seems quite steep.
I'll name the catalogue if people are interested, but I think avoiding
advertising or criticism of companies might be a good idea. I'm also not
sure if they're 'perve-friendly'...
Basically, my point is that leather for clothes can be found cheaply, and
even I mamaged to make a functional garment on my first attempt (even if
it's not very elegant, more like 'Edward Scissorhands', which is the
effect), but 'heavy'leather stuff, like harnesses or equipment, is a lot
more expensive and (IMO) harder to work.
**
1. The elastic strap flogger...get an elastic luggage strap from
Halfords or similar, and a wooden trowel handle from a garden
centre...cut off the hook from one end, then hot glue the cut end
into the trowel handle. Then unpeel the plaited outer covering from
the luggage strap...and bingo, you have a lovely flogger with
hundreds of little rubber strands. Varnish the handle, drill a hole
through the top and insert a leather lace.
(PS you can also make a similar version using real horses
tails, if you live near a stables)
2. The "guess which side you are gonna get next" paddle!
Get a beach bat from any toy shop...also get a lambskin polisher (for
a black and decker drill), from any do it yourself shop. With a
profile saw, recut the beach bat to the size of the lambskin
polisher, then glue the lambskin to one side, and rub down and
varnish the other side. If you wish to, you can tape the handle using
leather tape from any drapers store. So, one side is varnished
wood, and the other, lovely soft lambskin....you can play all sorts
of lovely games with this.
3. A effective ball gag can be made for about £2.50 ..... get a hard
red ball from a pet shop, and also a nylon webbing strap about 14"
long and ¾" wide....put a sharp knife blade right through the ball
(WITH CARE!!!!!), insert the strap through, and superglue it in
place. Easy!
**
Many of the toys displayed for use at our channel meets I made, they
range from rope, rubber and leather floggers to wooden paddles and
clothes peg and nylon cord 'daisy chains'. The rubber floggers are
especially easy to make: Take a piece of broom handle cut to the length
you prefer for a handle. If you want a hanging or wrist loop cut a strip
of rubber to the required length and stick in position on the handle.
Stretch a section of bicycle inner tube over the handle, cut that to the
desired length too. Cut along the mould lines you will find on the
rubber to give 5 tails (use a very sharp knife or scissors or it will
drag). Slide another section of tyre over the first and cut in the same
way for a 10 tail flogger. Drive in brass upholstery tacks in whatever
pattern you prefer, to secure the rubber to the wood and to provide
decoration. Use black paint or marker pen to colour the ends of the
section of broom handle. Make sure that you get a tyre that is wide
enough to slide over the wood tightly but fairly easily or it can be a
real struggle. I got the tyres free from Halfords. They had a pile of
punctured ones they had replaced for customers. A new broom handle will
give enough wood for several floggers and even with the tacks the whole
flogger should not cost more than 50p a an hour's work. You might have
to experiment with the length of the tails and handle to find a balance
that is right for you.
For an even easier but stingy boot lace flogger: collect several long
leather laces, double over in the centre and tie together using a loop
made from another leather lace. Take a bicycle handle grip, poke a piece
of stiff wire (I used a coat hangar) through the end and then bend it
over to form a hook. Put the wrist/hanging/tying loop in the hook then
close it using a pair of pliers. Pull the wire back out of the handle
taking the loop with it and pull the doubled laces back as far into the
handle as they will go. Release the loop from the wire and tie a knot in
it tight up against the end of the handle grip. Done! Handle grips are
available from 1.99 a pair at Halfords, the prices of laces vary but
they are cheaper if you can get them as plain ties from a leather shop
rather than in pairs in a packet from shoe shops.
I find that table tennis bats are too light for paddles but simple
patterns cut from softwood work and can then have rubber, leather or fur
stuck to them using evostick. Again you can use round headed brass or
chrome upholstery tacks for decoration and to secure the material more
firmly to the wood, and to add extra bite to the paddle. A pattern
forming your initials, or a heart or the paddle's name adds interest and
personalises your work.
Some of the well known D/s books like Screw the Roses, and The Loving
Dominant have some ideas for kit and I have an American book called
Kinky Crafts - 101 DIY S/M Toys, from Greenery Press, which has
instructions for toys, dungeon furniture etc. It is available through
the www.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.5.3 Oh my god. My mother just looked in my closet. What do I do?
First of all, don't panic. Depending on what was there, and what your
mother is like, you may have nothing to worry about. You may need to
explain to her what some items are, and you should explain to her that
you enjoy what you're doing, that you're not being harmed by it, and
that she's got nothing to worry about. Anybody that's come out as
gay/bi/lesbian etc. will be familiar with this experience.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.5.4 How out do I 'have' to be? SM Pride. BDSM symbols.
You don't have to be out at all. You could restrict your BDSM activities to
your own imagination, magazines, looking at internet material. Or, you could
be slightly out, posting to this newsgroup, going to BDSM clubs (perhaps in a
mask to protect your anonymity). Or you could be slightly more out, and go on
SM Pride, the annual march through London in September. Or you could be
slightly more out, and wear a BDSM badge or pin. Or you could be hysterically
out, introducing yourself to people as "Hello, I'm Brian and I'm a pervert."
At the end of the day, the BDSM police are not going to march round to your
house and drag you into the limelight. There is no "have to" about being an
out BDSMer. It's more like a lightbulb... if you don't turn it on, you'll
never be able to see what things really look like.
If you want to be "out" a certain extent, there is SM Pride. An annual march
organised by Countdown On Spanner (see 5.1.1). This takes a high-profile
route through the West End of London, protesting about the current legal
position of BDSM activities (see 5.1), and showing the powers that be that
BDSMers refuse to be ignored. Everyone tends to be in a party mood, and many
people dress up in their 'special' outfits, and wave banners, placards, pull
pony-carts, cause double-takes, whatever they fancy. The SM Pride weekend
contains not only this march, but a huge ball, and an afternoon of BDSM
workshops and stalls open to all BDSMers and curious types, organised by
SM Gays, SM Dykes, SM Bisexuals and Countdown On Spanner.
There is no popular BDSM symbol that has the instant regonition factor of,
say, a gay's pink triangle, or a anti-nuclear protester's cross in a circle.
There are some slogan badges, most popluar seems to be Countdown On Spanner's
"Used, Abused and Loved It". The only symbol much used is the Leather Pride
Flag. This was designed in America to be a BDSM version of the gay
community's Rainbow Flag, and consists of nine stripes with a red heart symbol
at 45degrees in the top left corner. The stripes go
purple-black-purple-black-white-black-purple-black-purple. It has been
suggested that a symbol for BDSMers on the 'net would be the flag on a
3.5in disk symbol...
Other symbols include a crossed ribbon made of black leather, and an emblem:
------------------------------
Subject: 1.6.1 Books
"Screw the Roses, send me the thorns", by Philipp Miller and Molly Devon
"SM 101", by Jay Wiseman
"The loving dominant", by John Warren
"Sensuous Magic", by Pat Califia
Pat Califia, _Sensuous Magic_ (New York, Masquerade Books, 1993).
ISBN 1-56333-131-4, softcover. Pat Califia is a legendary writer
about SM behavior and SM fantasy. This is her latest book and I
recommend it unhesitatingly. It is in my opinion hands-down the best
how-to book about SM, combining fictional vignettes with sincere,
quality information delivered as effectively as possible. If you are
into SM, you will learn from this book; and if you liked this FAQ but
want more details, this is THE BOOK for you. Order it from Good
Vibrations (see the store list below).
_Different Loving_, by Gloria G. Brame, William D. Brame, and Jon
Jacobs (Villard Books, New York, 1993, ISBN 0-679-40873-8), is a
thorough, non-judgmental work describing all aspects of SM sexuality.
There are hundreds of interviews and lots and lots of accurate
information. If you ever wondered whether there was anyone out there
as kinky as you, buy this book, and know you're not alone. It's a
survey, not a how-to, but there's lots of safety information in it
anyway. 539 pages! The more of it I read, the more impressed I've
become.
found several paperback copies of Gloria
Brame's ``Different Loving'' in Waterstones bookshop, on the
Gender Studies and Health shelf. In Chester of all places!
So this means people should be able to order it via almost any
UK bookshop, if its not on the shelves in your local Waterstones.
Details:
``Different Loving'' Brame, Brame and Jacobs,
Arrow Books, London, 1988, ISBN 0-09-918392-7, pp539,
127mm x 197mm, 8.99 UKpounds
A brief and excellent introduction to safe SM is _The Lesbian S/M
Safety Guide_, edited by Pat Califia and published by Lace
Publications (an imprint of Alyson Publications). There is
information in here on everything from physical safety to emotional
issues to negotiating with bottoms to consensual slave contracts.
It's written about lesbians, but very little of the information is
actually gender-specific. Excellent.
Larry Townsend's _The Leatherman's Handbook II_. This is fairly
widely available, and is by all accounts the best resource for gay
male SM information. I personally have never read it, but it's widely
known. (The first edition is still available, but II contains more
information about AIDS and safer sex, so it's probably what you want.)
_On the Safe Edge: A Manual For SM Play,_ by Trevor Jacques, with Dr.
Dale, Michael Hamilton, and Sniffer. ISBN: 1-895857-05-8 (pbk.) This
new book comes recommended by many reputable and knowledgeable people
in the scene. It's a how-to with lots and lots of safety information.
To order directly, call WholeSM Publishing (SAN S1196111) at: (416)
962 1040 (after October 17th.) or you can reach the authors at
72624.3533@CompuServe.com
_Coming to Power_, by SAMOIS, published by Alyson Press. This is a
book about lesbian SM, written by a former Bay Area women's
collective. It has a huge spectrum of pieces from hot fantasy to
personal history to political pronouncement. Very worthwhile for all
who are interested in SM, lesbian or otherwise.
Mark Thompson (editor), _Leatherfolk_, Alyson Press. An EXCELLENT
anthology about the SM scene in America, from the 1930s through the
present. Focuses mainly on the gay and lesbian SM communities, but
contains much worthwhile material for anyone interested in any aspects
of SM.
_Learning the Ropes: A Basic Guide to Safe and Fun S/M Lovemaking_, by
Race Bannon, Daedalus Publishing Co., 4470-107 Sunset Blvd., Suite
375, Los Angeles, CA 90027. Available by mail from the publisher @
$12.95 + $2.50 s/h (CA residents add 8.25% sales tax). Race is a
well- known figure in the SM scene, and by all accounts this book is
quite comprehensive, describing all aspects of safe SM from the
physical to the spiritual. If you liked this FAQ, I'd guess you'd
like this book.
_SM 101_, published by Jay Wiseman, PO Box 1261, Berkeley, CA 94701.
$19.95 will get you this book, which is one of the most thorough and
in-depth explorations of SM safety and SM practice I have had the
pleasure to read. I would consider this book very valuable for anyone
who is wondering "how do I get started?"--Jay has many relatively
specific examples and tips on how to make your scenes delightful and
memorable. He's an opinionated guy, but then aren't we all?
You can now get this in the UK from:
Books Etc. Ltd
120 Charing Cross Road
London
WC2H 0JR
+44/0 171 379 6838
Jack Morin, _Anal Pleasure and Health_, Down There Press, Burlingame,
CA. This book has the complete lowdown on all aspects of anal sex--
safety, hygiene, emotional issues, you name it. Extremely valuable
information, well presented.
Robert J. Stoller, _Pain and passion: a psychoanalyst explores the
world of S&M,_ 1991, New York et al.: Plenum, X, 306 pp. ISBN
0-306-43770-8. I've heard that this book does an excellent job of
revisiting (and refuting) the common Freudian biases against SM, in
spite of several far-from-objective judgmental sections.
Two other psychoanalytic books dealing with SM (neither of which I've
read) are _Dark Eros_ by Thomas Moore and _Masochism_ by Lyn Cowan.
_Sadomasochism in Everday Life: The Dynamics of Power and
Powerlessness_, Lynn S. Chancer, 1992, publisher momentarily unknown
(but soon to be added), ISBN 0-8135-1808-3. Chancer's book takes a
long, hard look at the many social contexts in which one group
exercises power abusively over another. It's a fascinating
perspective from which to analyze racism, sexism, etc., and there is a
fair amount of material about BDSM in the sense it's been described in
this FAQ.
_Ties that Bind: The SM/Leather/Fetish Erotic Style_ by Guy Baldwin,
M.S. I'm lacking complete bibliographic information for this book,
which is too bad, as it's a standout. Baldwin is a therapist who sees
many people in the SM community. He has a unique healer's perspective
on many of the emotional and psychological issues that arise for
people in the scene. If you are doing a lot of thinking about whether
SM is right for you, or if you're working on your SM with your partner
and you want another point of view, do yourself a COLOSSAL favor and
buy this book. (You can order it from Mr. S Leathers, or from QSM.)
_The Sexually Dominant Woman, A Workbook for Nervous Beginners_, by
Lady Green. (Lady Green's book is supposed to be very good for those
who barely know where to begin.)
[ Someone want to work out URLs pointing to Amazon to order these? ]
------------------------------
Subject: 2.1 What are FAQs?
FAQs are Frequently Asked Questions (like that one), plus the answers
(such as this one) that have been agreed by the people on the newgroup.
For more information on FAQs read the Usenet newgroup ,
or browse the webpage
The bits inside <> are called URLs (see ans 2.0 for more information).
Bits inside [] are comments by the maintainer, and not part of an answer.
The funny --- lines are part of the RFC1153 digest format defined in
------------------------------
Subject: 2.2 I'm new to the Net. What should I do?
Where can I find out more?
Since the internet is growing at a rapid rate, this isn't surprising. As
with any newsgroup, it is considered polite to read the newsgroup for a
period of time before posting anything (this can be anything from a few
days to a few months), to get a feel of that group. The finer points of
nettiquette are outside the scope of this FAQ, but some general rules:
1. keep you .sig to 4 lines or less, and use a sig seperator (-- ) on the
first line.
2. Quote the text that you are replying to, and any other text that is
essential for context. Mark quoted text with a ">" at the start of each
line. Attribute all quotes ( "person wrote:" etc.)
properly.
3. Don't use all caps, it's considered rude.
4. Please remember that this is UK.people.bdsm, so writing in English is
probably a good idea.
5. Read the charter for the newsgroup before posting, so that you know
what is and isn't on-topic (no ads etc.)
There are a number of FAQs on the subject of nettiquette, and any new
user should read news.answers.newusers.
With the growth of the WWW, there has been the introduction of serach
engines such as yahoo and altavista
, these are used to search the web (and
sometimes newsgroups) for pages and articles of interest for you.
------------------------------
Subject: 2.3 Why does it matter if I post something to
an inappropriate group?
Because it's considered rude, that's why. Some people pay to download
news articles, so you are wasting their money. Your post may also result
in you losing your account because people complain to you sysadmins, so
it's not a good idea.
------------------------------
Subject: 2.8 What can I do if my ISP doesn't take a newsgroup I want to use?
There are a number of services that provide free access to newsgroups,
most popular amongst these is dejanews ,
although you won't see any posts with X-no-archive: yes headers in them
(this isn't really an issue in most groups, but in some, such as
uk.people.bdsm, it is). Some places such as superzippo offer newsfeeds
for a small charge.
You can also ask your newsadmin to take this group, although some may refuse.
------------------------------
Subject: 2.9 What is IRC? How do I get onto the different nets?
"IRC" stands for Inter Relay Chat.
To get onto an IRC network, to chat to other people, you need
to connect to an IRC server. There are different servers for
each network. A list of these can be found at
You can use telnet, but may prefer to use a special client,
such as mIRC, which is free from
------------------------------
Subject: 3.1.2 IRC
There are complete lists of BDSM related channels at:
http://members.tripod.com/~kwhiting/irc-ds-bdsm-channels.html
http://www.cuffs.com/cguides.htm
The following ones have been recommended and have some regulars from the UK:
#1-femsubmission&slavesex
http://members.aol.com/femsss/
#1-femsubmissionsex
#bdsm
#bifemdomme
#bondage
#domination
#femdom
#femhumiliationsex
#gangrapesex
#rapesex
#slavesex
#spanking
#submission
See ans 7.2.5 for UK specific BDSM channels.
------------------------------
Subject: 3.1.4 Web sites - stories
http://magenta.com/lmnop/stories/jones/jones.html
Nurse Jones' The List
http://www.halcyon.com/elf/journals/index-32.html
Elf Sternberg's Journal
http://magenta.com/lmnop/stories/laylah/laylah.html
Blessed be, Laylah Martelli
http://www.tpe.com/~mule/shared/bedtime2.htm#characters
Amity & Mule's Bedtime Stories
http://www.chiark.greenend.org.uk/bdsm/archive/written/garden.txt
Trystilarn's Chinese Gardens
http://www.chiark.greenend.org.uk/bdsm/archive/written/t-and-j.txt
Tom McDermet's The Adventures of Terri and Jennifer
http://www.mills.edu/PEOPLE/gr.pages/mohanraj.public.html/Stories/chantelle.html
Mary Anne Mohanraj's Chantal
http://www.u36.com/jordan/unwrap.html
Jordan Shelbourne's Unwrap Party
http://www.akashaweb.com/crystal.htm
Akasha's Crystal Tears
http://www.mit.edu:8001/afs/athena.mit.edu/user/t/h/thomasc/Public/richh/coolthing.html
RICHH's Cool Thing
------------------------------
Subject: 3.1.5 Web sites - other
http://weber.u.washington.edu/~humsex/ftpsite.html#bdsm
BDSM document archive from the Society for Human Sexuality
------------------------------ End of part 2/3